For much of my life, I have not been at comfort with speaking my truth. Getting better, but it’s still not a comfortable place for me to stand.
Which is why, whenever I’m faced with the opportunity to speak up, I do my best to do it.
Which is why, whenever I’m faced with the opportunity to speak up, and don’t, the angst of the lost opportunity to be fearless sticks deep within me, rubbing against my peace of mind, creating angst in my inner world.
Thankfully, I have friends like Kerry Parsons who, when I reach out for guidance, reach back with kindness and love, illuminating the path for me to see into the darkness of my fears.
Yesterday, as I drove Ellie to the park for her walk, tears started flowing from my eyes. Unbidden, they blurred my vision and, let’s be truthful here, made me a tad dangerous on the road. Now, I am not prone to driving and crying so when the tears started, I got a wee bit anxious about their presence. But, since the flood, I have been noticing a tendency to be teary, for no apparent reason, enveloping me.
What the….?
I put it down to the connection between the aftermath of that relationship that was killing me and the angst of people losing so many things.
But I knew it went deeper. I just didn’t now how deep she’d go.
Thank goodness for my friend Kerry. One call and I was welcomed into her cozy living room where I spent an enlightening hour seated in my favourite comfy love-seat, chatting about ‘What’s going on with Louise.”
In her deep-hearted listening, I found my answers.
I was moving through a trigger point. A deeply seated space of learning from the past that was triggered even before the floods. In our exploration of what was going on, I discovered the trigger point began earlier in June when I stood in front of a crowd of angry community members — and fell under the spell of their onslaught. I didn’t realize it at the time, in fact, I thought I’d handled it all pretty well. And I had. But, the aftershock of those events left me reeling in the muck of a childhood belief that would have me believe, I am helpless in the face of chaos. In my childhood adapted responses to anger and fear and confusion, I believed I had few possibilities to affect change, to be heard, to be seen. I either had to: 1) protect myself, or 2) fix everything around me. And, if all else failed, run away and hide.
I am an intuitive being. I listen and watch and feel from deep within me the energies around me. When I am aligned, when I am moving and being from my essential self, my world moves in harmony with me. When I run into fear, when I allow myself to fall into confusion and helplessness, my world tilts off-kilter, my peace of mind spins out of control and I become despondent and disconnected.
In my altered state, it doesn’t matter what peppy talk I give myself about “getting over it”, I can’t hear the voice of reason, I only hear the voices of the past, whispering that I must run to safe ground, get away from what I’m feeling to wallow in the sands of time drifting through my mind.
I am blessed.
I know me. And I have people in my life who are willing to know me too. And in their knowing ‘of me’, they don’t offer advice and pithy comments about what to do to get over myself, they offer a safe and courageous space for me to explore my demons, for me to walk fearlessly into ‘what’s going on within me’, so that I can once again get out of my own way and live from that place of authenticity and powerfulness that resides in each and every one of us, but too often gets over-shadowed by the past masquerading as the present.
I found myself running from the darkness yesterday. I found myself careening out of control in the byways and alleyways of the past where once upon a time, I felt helpless. In my finding myself there, I found the light I need to move through my angst and carry on, bravely, peacefully and lovingly into the present.
In every situation there are gifts. The gift I found yesterday is that where once I believed I must either protect, fix or runaway, I know the truth of who I am is not in fixing or disappearing. The truth is, there is nothing to fear. There is nothing to defend against, hide from or run away from. I do not have to stand against anything to know peace. All I have to do is turn up, pay attention, speak my truth and stay unattached to the outcome.
When I stand up, speak up and make space for all truth to be known, I create a world of wonder, a world of possibility, a world where no matter what is going on, I matter enough to me to stay true to who I am without fearing that who I am is helpless.
I’m not helpless. I am powerful beyond my wildest imaginings. I am free. And I am grateful.
Namaste.
Dare Boldly 
LG
I’m sure you’ve seen the Brene Brown talks … 2 of them, on TED.com .. but maybe you could listen to them again – if only to validate for you that you are not alone, that where you are is a point of ‘winning’ rather than ‘losing it’, a point of break-through rather than break-apart.
…. and pull over when you are crying!
Mark
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Yes sir! I will. 🙂
And I have. Read her books too. One of my heroes.
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I love what you said about your friends providing a courageous place to work out your demons!!! I have always called it a soft place to fall but as always you shine an even brighter light on what is going on inside of me!!
This was a perfect “read” for me today!!!
I too find myself just lost in a flood of tears from time to time with no apparent reasons. Funny, I scramble to attach a reason to the tears but maybe I just need to not always have to have answers and just let my feelings find their own answers. Ya know?
Recently, I have considered a lot of my friendships. It is interesting to really see each one with a different appreciation or caution. I have backed away from life long ones and taken a long hard look. Not everyone has appreciated my newfound honesty… But like you said…
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I know the truth of who I am is not in fixing or disappearing. The truth is, there is nothing to fear. There is nothing to defend against, hide from or run away from. I do not have to stand against anything to know peace. All I have to do is turn up, pay attention, speak my truth and stay unattached to the outcome.
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And that being said…. how could I leave out this?????
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When I stand up, speak up and make space for all truth to be known, I create a world of wonder, a world of possibility, a world where no matter what is going on, I matter enough to me to stay true to who I am without fearing that who I am is helpless.
I’m not helpless. I am powerful beyond my wildest imaginings. I am free. And I am grateful.
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Soooo great! Thank you for posting and allowing me to reblog your own blog here! lol.!
xoxo
di
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I love the synchronicity of your sharing Di — and I appreciate the reblog 🙂 — I also appreciate that through your words I can see where I am as well — and the truth settles well in my heart. Thank you!
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I like that Mark sees what happened as a “break-through”. So much opens up when we change the perspective.
Love and hugs.
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It is a breath-through, and an opening — and everything changes when I shift my perspective — so freeing. Thanks Maureen 🙂
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The raw honesty of your recent posts is really speaking to me Louise – thank you for being so vulnerable, it makes a difference to me. Today’s post, the statement – staying unattached from the outcome – is SHOUTING to me. This is something I have always found difficult. I open to any secrets or formulas you might share about this.
xo
Diana
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That is a tough one to embrace for sure! But when we are attached to the outcome we open ourselves to both fear and disappointment. When we are attached to the outcome we become less attached to the truth as we see it.
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Yes. I can see that yet… 🙂
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It isn’t easy Diana — for me, so much of my attachment is wanting to control, to know, to predict, to see the future, to know…
And one formula for me is to remind myself to breathe deeply and softly and lovingly repeat in my head — Please open me up to expansion.
when I open up to expansion I am not constricted, and when I am not constricted or contracted — I can lovingly and joyfully stay unattached.
At my meditation group, we are invited to listen to the music and imagine we are like a tree standing on a hill, with the music flowing through us — our objective is not to contain the music, but to let it flow through so taht we can be open to its invitation to stir our soul.
quite powerful!
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For me it’s about having invested my time, taking ownership, wanting to see it through, wanting to see it succeed and grow, like it’s a part of me. Maybe I’m not understanding what you mean by staying unattached from the outcome…
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“I must either protect, fix or runaway”
This has been my mantra as well (my running away is often putting aside decisions) and I am slowly realising that I am only human and cannot do it all, cannot always be the one for making sure things turn out right. Staying unattached to the outcome is one HUGE step, and you have taught me in that statement that sometimes we just need to do it anyway.
Thanks for sharing your deep level of awakening.
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Yup. Whether we ‘like’ it or not, staying unattached definitely gives me more life!
I’m so glad my words spoke to your heart too Elizabeth. So much of my awakening comes when I connect with others and we resonate together in that expansive place of becoming aware! thanks!
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I can speak the truth about many things just not about how I am doing……………….
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Ah yes, Joanne, that fear of telling the truth about where we’re at… I have a voice inside that says — stop whining. Don’t complain. Just shut up and bear it, nobody wants to hear about your problems and anyway, you should be happy…. 🙂
I love that you speak the truth about many things. You inspire me!
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One step at a time, perhaps just recognising that this is the case is enough for right now?
You are doing how you’re doing, and speaking the truth about it or not, may or may not change the truth…
The many thing you do speak the truth on are making a difference already! 🙂
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Thanks for this honest sharing, Louise. It contains many insights and I can relate to it.
This post just found its way to me, and I needed it as a refresher be fearless in these times of turbulent change. The post came up as ‘referrer’ in WordPress today. I was curious and clicked on it. I had not read it before. I read the comments , wondering how this post can be a referrer when it was published long before my blog started. I have no idea.
This is one of the many awesome synchronicities that show up along my path.
Thanks a lot for your courage ,
Karin
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I love that WordPress has a mind of its own and connected us once again through synchronistic messages.
Thank you Karin for turning up, paying attention, speaking your truth and knowing, the outcome is not what matters. It’s how we take each step of the journey in truth that makes a difference. Hugs.
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