Last week, on my “I did it my way.. and my way wasn’t working” post, my friend Ian, who writes thought-provoking and insightful posts on leadership over at Leading Essentially, posed the question,

“What I’m wondering about is the need to rebel against oneself. When we say what we mean to ourselves (and subsequently do what we say) are we paying attention to which internal voice is speaking? Is it our essential voice that guides us from the heart which deserves our faith? Or is it our adapted (that which you refer to as the critter voice) voice that tries to tie us to our past, keep the status quo? That voice is often worthy of internal rebellion!”

It is a good question. Which voice do I listen to and which one am I rebelling against?  My essential voice that guides me from the heart, the voice that knows the true essence of my magnificence and never questions the miracle of life? Or, my adapted voice that holds onto memories of why it’s not safe to play big, why it’s best to keep small and quiet and not rock the boat?

I believe that often, when I am acting out, it is because I am rebelling against the idea of being great. I don’t want the responsibility nor the commitment to being my best at all times. The critter tells me, it’s too tiring to always be on purpose. It’s too much to expect you to turn up for your higher good at all times. Why not take a break?

This morning, I stepped onto the scale and even before I did, I knew the news would not be good. Sure enough, 2 lbs more than last week.

Not a big deal. It’s only 2 lbs, the critter says with authority.

My essential voice whispers quietly in the deepness of my soul. “Do you feel better or worse right now knowing you’ve not kept your commitment to living true to your body’s needs for healthy food, exercise and care?”

I would like to rebel against my essential voice’s quiet assurance. Seriously? It is only 2 lbs. But my essential voice is right. How do I feel about me, right now? It’s not about the pounds. It’s about the actions that have led to the pounds piling up. It is 2 on top of the previous 2 on top of the previous 2. And each 2 has resulted in my critter’s cajoling me to accept my lesser self’s desire to be lazy, uncommitted and unfocused. Each 2 has been a result of my critter having its way in my head because I’ve been rebelling against doing what is best for my higher good.

If I am to rebel, it is best to rebel against the one who would keep me playing small. Keep me acting out against my higher good.

And sometimes, “it’s just too much work,” the critter says. “Take the path well-travelled.”

Alas, in my desire to take the path well-travelled, in my need to let myself off the hook of self-responsibility, I undermine my own well-being. I let go of my own higher good.

It is an interesting conundrum. In my rebellious desire to treat myself with ‘kindness and ease’, I am actually being unkind. I am not holding myself accountable and responsible for my own well-being.

My essential self knows that living in the beauty of my magnificence, there is no question too hard, no step too big that I cannot make. In the light of my essence, all is ease, all is achievable, all is in balance.

My critter self. Well… he likes to hold me down. Not because it’s best for me. He does it because he’s afraid I’ll get hurt if I step too far, leap too high, shine too bright. Remember when you were a child, he says, and you danced, and sang and drew and played like no one was watching? And remember when people started to watch and told you to be quiet. To settle down. To quit thinking you were so shiny and bright? Remember? You got into lots of trouble for being so ‘loud and obnoxious’. You don’t want to get in trouble now. Trouble’s not good. Settle down. Toe the line. Be quiet.

My critter self, even though he repeats all those awful things I’ve learned to believe about myself over the years, is not trying to make trouble. In his twisted reality, playing small keeps me out of trouble.

My essential self knows the truth. The trouble comes when I let go of my light and choose to stand in the shadows of living life inside the walls of my comfort zone.

My essential self knows, this is my one and only life. I deserve to live in the light of Love and when I do, there is no need to rebel against the darkness. In Love, the light shines through every crack.