If I had to rate where I was in my energy yesterday, out of a scale of 1 – 10, I was probably operating mostly between 4 – 6.
It wasn’t about changing my ‘rating’, (which I must mention is an arbitrary scale that exists only in my head) it was about bringing my 100% to where I was at.
And then I smile because I was going to write, bringing my 100% to bear where ever I was at, but I always get confused on bear and bare and didn’t want to embarrass myself by misusing a word.
Not using it as part of the sentence is me not bringing my 100% to my game. Acknowledging my fear is part of my 100%. And, whether I’m at a 2, a 6 or a 10, I must bring all of me to where ever I’m at and be me with all the 100% of me that is turning up in that moment.
Last night, when I got home, I grumbled and complained, and told C.C. all about my day. This bugged me. That bugged me. I mean really, can’t they see if they just do it my way it would be perfect?
I even said, “I don’t often get like this but in this moment, this is where I’m at.”
And he smiled and gave me a hug and listened to me without judgement or trying to fix me or offer me advice on how to change what I was thinking.
In his quiet acceptance of where I was, I felt heard and seen.
And it passed.
My disgruntled nature gave way to my ebullient self and I feel once again in balance. I began my day with meditation. I began my day with the conscious intention of living in the now, letting go of holding on and surrendering to fall in Love.
Now, in the process, I also see what it is that was grating against the grain of my essential nature. I know what is at the root of my disgruntledness.
And I am not powerless. Seeing what is there, it is up to me to — yup — turn up, pay attention, speak my truth and stay unattached to the outcome.
So often it is the ‘speaking my truth’ part that stymies me.
Not wanting to create waves, fearing the response of others, telling myself I am ‘wrong’ to feel the way I do or I’m being foolish can hold me back from bringing my 100% to my game.
To live as my authentic, essential self, to be present in the moment, to be the center of my ‘I’, I must fearlessly allow myself the grace of knowing my fear is present and moving into it anyway.
The opposite of fear is not fearless. It is courage. And in my fear, courage is present too. When I am driven by fear, it is courage that draws me out.
It takes courage to accept I am not at a 10 — and be okay with where I’m at. It takes courage to acknowledge I am seeing the world through cloudy glasses. And it takes courage to be willing to change them.
There is a situation that has been bothering me for some time. I have told myself it doesn’t matter. It’s not important. But I can see where I am doing what I’ve always done. Letting myself off the hook of turning up and being present to speak my truth. I have been giving into my fear of rejection and telling myself that ‘letting it go’ is the only way to find peace.
Peace is not built on the resentment that builds when I devalue my truth by letting something go that does not sit well with me — especially if my letting it go is based on my fear, and not my courage to be the change I want to create in the world.
Peace is built on allowing space for all truth to shine, including mine.
And to do that, I must surrender my fear and fall in Love. In love, courage speaks loudly. Courage creates space for me to see into the heart of where I was letting go of my need, my right and my responsibility to bring my 100% to bear or bare, where ever I am at.
And that’s the truth, no matter how I spell it.
Dare Boldly 
So true Louise! When we recognize we are not being true to ourselves, it can be an empowering moment…. or one for withdrawal. Thank you for sharing your 100% humanity and courage 🙂
Being a loving witness to ourselves allows us to let go of fear. Val x
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I love how you state that Val “Being a loving witness to ourselves” — that is what we do isn’t it. Lovingly witness ourselves in all our human nature — and as I’ve evolved, I’ve learned let go of the self-condemnation to lovingly allow myself to grow. Thanks! x
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LG …
I think your notion of 100% is unrealistic.
As a goal 1 day week, maybe, but as an every-day thing … foolhardy.
You’ll never acheive it and as long as that is your measuring stick, you’ll repeat the disappointment, won’t you? Some days we give 150% on something incredibly important. We may be exhauseted for days afterward, but on that day we knocked it out of the park … because it was something incredibly important, and urgent, and it mattered so very much to us. That is where/how that 150% comes to the surface.
100% when i doesn’t matter so much is, for me, not a goal. But, 150% when it really counts … I’ve got time for that and I’m prepared for the exhaustion that comes from it.
My three cents (see, I bumped my two cents … from 100% to 150%)
Cheers,
Mark
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I think you may have missed what for me is most important about giving my 100% Mark. It isn’t about the outcome, or objective of what I’m doing, it’s about being 100% where I’m at, be it a 2, a 6 or a 10. To be as completely okay with being exhausted as I am with being exhilarated. No matter what I’m doing, to give my best — from where ever I’m at — whether I knock it out of the ballpark or not.
🙂
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Hugs! Did you, per chance, see the 30 things you should stop doing to yourself that was circulating on facebook? I always feel bad when I feel resentment or anger but this little diddy gives you permission to feel what you’re feeling when you’re feeling it, much like your beloved did for you yesterday!
Diana xo
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I think I did Diana — now I’ll have to go back and see if I can find them — it is so true — feel what you’re feeling and be okay with what you’re feeling. For me, that has become the difference between the past and the present — where once my smile was forced, now, no matter what I’m feeling it comes from my heart — because I know, I’m okay whatever I’m feeling — and like all feelings — this too shall pass! 🙂 Hugs.
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I’m just learning it. Again! ❤
Diana xo
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Awe Louise I love how open you are with your struggles. From your blog I am learning to love every part of me, and I am reminded of that again to day, even the ugly parts of me. I had a therapist that kept reminding me that the behaviour is not the person and the person is not the behaviour.
For the first time in my life I feel at peace. I feel incredibly strong, and as you know I’m coming out of an incredible ugly situation. But I have picked myself up and am determined to keep going.
I am going to put myself first, I talked with my wife about this and I think she agrees. Enough of putting our grown kids needs ahead of our own. If I cannot take care of myself how am I suppose to take care of anyone else.
I wanted to badly to be a good example of Choices Alumni, always judging myself by some measuring stick, and then if I didn’t measure up, using that stick to beat myself up.
I love myself again thanks to you and K’s support and love. I have never felt love like this before in my life, unconditional love. Non judgemental love. I have tried to be as honest in my struggles as possible and never once have you judged me.
You give me hope that change is possible. Giving up is not an option. I will achieve my goals and love myself in and through the process.
I’m giving my 100% to be do have.
Thank you.
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So true royce – we must take care of ourselves. we must. We must love ourselves, even in our ‘mistakes’. We must forgive ourselves, even when we don’t want to. And when we do it “In Love” we create the more of what we want in our lives. Thank you my friend. Thank you for letting go of that measuring stick and turning to Love. You are beautiful in Love. Hugs
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Wow, what a wonderful share Louise. Love this: “especially if my letting it go is based on my fear, and not my courage to be the change I want to create in the world”. Way to listen to that little ‘niggly’ inside, bugging you, and recognizing your need to shine by being true to you. Good on you! Your boldness encourages my own. Awesome role modelling my friend! xo Gina
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Thank you Gina. Your words feel like a beautiful spring rain washing away all the grit of a long winter — and it has been a long winter here! LOL — everywhere it seems.
That is what always gives my courage wings. Knowing that sharing here, being vulnerable, being open inspires others to dare boldly too. For me, it is the only way to live my purpose — so thank you for shining with me. We have the power tolight up the world when we shine together.
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I can SO relate. I spent my life avoiding speaking truths, but instead stuffing all of that powerlessness down in my body. Ouch! Now that I’ve released the roots, I am becoming better at communicating. Even my dreams agree, and have rewritten several childhood memories with my ability to speak for myself coming to me in my sleep. Great post.
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I love how you express avoiding speaking truth — “stuffing all that powerlessness down in my body” — that is what we do isn’t it! We stuff the powerlessness down — even while we tell ourselves, we’re playing smart. wow — love it. I too have rewritten several childhood memories — what a powerful way to create the childhood we deserve. Thanks! — I so appreciate your comment.
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Do it ‘next time’… 😉
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😉 — I so will Carolyn! 😉
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