It was one of those projects that brought out my victim thinking with ease.
Don’t blame me if I don’t get it right. Not enough time to do it. Not enough direction. Not my fault. Yada. Yada. Yada.
At one point, I was into such full-blown victimhood I arrived home from work one evening and told C.C. “That’s it. I can’t do anything right. I quit.”
Ah yes, the critter and his exquisitely timed whispers of self-doubt and fear.
The critter has had my lifetime to perfect his art of making sure I do not step too far from the baseness of my fears. He is extremely adept at finding those soft spots, those vulnerable places where I am feeling less than. He likes to fearlessly leap into the fray without a thought for what’s happening inside me, with me, for me. With his mind always set on defending against unseen intruders, moments of insecurity, breaths of doubt, he’s always ready to shore up my defences against the world’s onslaught and protect me from others..
Problem is, he doesn’t really think about what’s best for me in the now. He’s always measuring everything today against what happened back then. He doesn’t see me as an adult. He sees me only as a defenceless child that he was responsible for protecting and sheltering through life’s storm.
In the here and now, the critter does not stop to ask, What’s the mature, adult, kind and caring way for me to respond or behave in this situation?
His brain matter is grounded in less than thinking. Where there is abundance, the critter fears lack. Where there is possibility, the critter sees hopelessness. And while his intentions are in his thinking, ‘good’ — He’s protecting me and keeping me safe from harm. — the outcome of my outbursts while under the influence of critter brain is never fruitful. It is always destructive.
No matter how I like to slice it, what the critter always does is undermine my self-efficacy and my willingness to turn up, do my best and be accountable for my journey.
The critter, who likes to be in charge of my victimhood, does not like being accountable. He does not like for me to take responsibility for my actions, or how I turn up.
He’d prefer if I am going to turn up, that I do it with a big sign that says, “Not My Fault!”
That way, whatever happens I can deny all culpability, accountability and responsibility. That way, it’s always the other guy’s fault, no matter who the other guy, circumstance or happening may be! Which is rather convenient if I don’t feel like being my true self and would rather just have someone else take control for a while.
The critter’s not into my ability to be present in truth, honesty and light. He’s into his ability to shield me from what he deems the harsh realities of life and the vagaries of humans to create chaos, pain and shame where ever we go.
He cannot see that my responsibility is to standing in truth, honesty, light… Love.
He can only see the dark abyss of my deepest fears. The critter can only see the pains of the past and at all costs, believes he must shield me from it happening ever-again in the present.
Fortunately, I found my balance. I found my solid ground in turning up, paying attention, speaking my truth, and staying unattached to the outcome.
I am no longer giving into the critter woeing me to play the victim. Sure, there are vestiges of his cloying nature evident in my short-temperedness and edgie responses to what are simple questions or normal circumstances. I’m quietly, lovingly wooing those edges back into place. I’m quietly, lovingly smoothing out my temper with reminders of my capacity to play harmoniously, play fair, play kind in the world.
It is an ongoing evolutionary process.
Now, to apologize and be accountable to those who bore the brunt of my ill-humour and thoughtless attempts to give the critter reign over my being present in truth, honesty, light and Love.
‘Cause, the critter is not in charge of the light. If he were, he’d throw a dark blanket over it to keep the light from burning out.
I’m in charge of my light. And the truth is, my light will not burn out when I give it air to breathe and love to feed its fire.