How to Begin Again in love and life.

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“It’s not convenient for me to come help you right now. Why don’t you just take a cab home and we can deal with it in the morning?”

These are the words my beloved speaks into the phone when I call him in a confused state after trying to open the doors of my car.

Everything is dead.  The FOB doesn’t work. There’s no flashing red light from the security system. No click when I press the button on the door handle that should lead to the door automatically opening.

There’s also no key to unlock the door.

Of course, I’m ticked at my husband. Why on earth can’t he come and rescue me? Right now.

My ‘ticked-offedness’ is not based on reality. He is with a friend who is dying. They don’t expect him to live through the night. He has spent the afternoon and early part of the evening with his friend, his wife and family. He just wants to get off the phone as quickly as possible as he is in an emotionally challenging place and can’t deal with much else.

Not knowing where he’s at emotionally, I filter my feelings/thoughts through my experience and base my response only on his words, which I judge to be a tad off-putting.

And yeah, I just might have been a little bit snippety when I responded.

How often do we do this? Hear something and leave out, or don’t get the context of, what the other person is experiencing? We filter their response through our experience and make judgments about them and their words that lead us to respond in not so kind, considerate or thoughtful ways?

The converse can also be true. For C.C., he could not know how his words would trigger me. But then, until I heard them, neither could I.

Not feeling like I matter, or that I’m important enough for someone else to come to my defense or support is an old pattern of thinking/feeling for me. Most times, I am aware of this belief pattern and am able to frame my response and understanding through my self-awareness.

Sometimes, I’m just not there.

Being conscious and aware of this pattern is vital to ensuring a conversation doesn’t go from “hello” to a deep dive into resentment, anger, confusion, because the other person didn’t respond the way we wanted or expected. In that deep dive away from searching for intimacy to deepening our insistence of being right, we often say and do things we wish we hadn’t.

I don’t know about you, but I really do my best not to say or do things I’ll later regret!

We are all just humans on the journey of our lifetime. And sometimes, that journey is filled with moments where we do not act up to our higher good and instead, sink down to our baser instinct to always be right, always win, always have the last word.

Fortunately, C.C. and I have an agreement. If one of us says, “Can we begin again?”, there’s only one permissible response.

“Yes.”

In beginning again, whatever the inciting incident, we both agree to release it as we begin again from the sacred ground of our love for one another. In that sacred space, we do and all we are for and with each other comes through the desire to deepen intimacy through love.

And while some days, the critter in me would rather I just stand my ground in self-righteous victim-hood, my heart always knows the truth, to begin again is the way of Love.

13 thoughts on “How to Begin Again in love and life.”

  2. LG, in the words of my friend Annie from New Jersey, ‘build a bridge and get over it’. You are a consummate feminist, sometimes, and such a ‘girl’ sometimes. I’m your understanding friend – and I won’t dive into the ‘stuff’ or the dying person … and I mean no offence to CC or his friend; but, surely the default reaction of a ‘dead car’ shouldn’t only be, ‘call my husband to solve it’. AMA, a tow truck, the dealer … these folks know their way around dead fobs, dead batteries and dead cars. And you know now how to call a cab without needing someone to tell you. Right? Yes, I’m being your insensitive friend at this moment – but to make a point. It’s not about you. It’s about all women who want a different world in which both genders embrace feminism – and then it is easy to revert to ‘have a man fix my problem’ and complain if he can’t jump to it …

    It goes beyond women calling a tow truck or changing a tire. It goes beyond learning skills that are typically the province of the other gender (i.e.m, men learning to cook, iron, darn a sock … and women learning how to change a furnace filter, mow a lawn or trim a hedge without using a pen+cheque book) …

    My little rant.

    Condolences to CC and his friend.

    Kudos to you for telling the truth on yourself. That takes guts many people lack.

    Mark
    p.s. we are OVERDUE for a lunch … so you should let me known when you are available … please

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    • LOL — of course you will see the ‘rantable’ in my post Mark — I think it really does speak to the inherent difference between man and woman and how we view the world! 🙂

      My eldest daughter and I were just talking about that very thing — and how we have natural tendencies that reveal themselves at birth — and how we can all shift, or not — and as my friend Sassy says — of course I would call C.C. He is my partner! 🙂

      Lunch it is… We can fight over who picks up the tab! 🙂

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  3. I love the honesty in which you write. The universal truth and resolving of the issue is important in relationships. That’s what makes yours and CC work! And that critter is in all of us. I love that you were able to begin again with your heart and not let the critter win! I hope you got your car fixed and I’m saddened by CC’s loss of his friend. xo

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    • Thank you Yvonne — road side assistance was called in the morning and they boosted it — I’d somehow left it in Drive — and when it kept beeping as I walked away, I thought… Hmmm… I wonder why it’s beeping. Oh well…. and I walked away! 🙂 Fortunately, my husband thinks I’m as funny as I do!

      And yes, critter’s should never win. And thank you for your thoughts on C.C.s friend. Hugs ❤

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  4. I love this: “‘If one of us says, “Can we begin again?’, there’s only one permissible response. ‘Yes.'” Such a perfect lesson for all of life. I get your initial reaction, which I still have now and then despite being a strong, self-sufficient woman. For me, it’s not that I want a man to take care of me. I know I can solve problems on my own, or with the support of a broad community. But sometimes I still go back to the little girl whose parents forgot her and left her alone for minutes, hours, or years – even though that life is far behind me. Those who love us know our stories and accept that our experience of the moment is often shaped by things they cannot see.

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    • I am with you on that Cara! That little girl does like to appear occasionally, no matter how competent, independent, strong I am!

      I love what you wrote at the end, about those who love us knowing our stories and accepting us — such truth.

      Hugs to you — here’s to easing the past by being real in the present. ❤

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  5. This post made me thing on me and Tim and how a Facebook post by me upset him, well not the post as much as the comments it received as he saw those as a personal attack on him and not as supporting me but still………………………

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  6. I get your first response would be to call CC. He is your best friend and your partner in crime. That is what happens when you enter into the ‘partnership’ of marriage. You count on one another to help out in the good times, bad times and challenging times. I would have done the same Louise. You could have called a cab, you could have called AMA, but why when that is really that is what your partner is for…to come to your aid when you need them.

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    • I so love you JM! Your fierce spirit, truth and courage are beautiful gifts in my world.

      I think the challenge is always that no matter the circumstances, staying attached to the outcome (as in he WILL come when I call) creates the friction that leads to unsettled times. So much better to breathe and move into grace for everyone.

      Hugs my beautiful friend. I love you and am so grateful for you! ❤

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