Where once I was counting down the weeks until my ‘last day’, I am now counting off the weeks of my ‘new way’.
Week 1. Done. Check. Next.
It makes me smile, (satirically) at myself.
(I do find myself quite amusing sometimes, in a not so funny but oh so human way!)
I am always looking for ‘the next thing’ because being present in this moment, without anticipation of what the next will bring, can be challenging.
I want to know. To have clarity. Certainty.
Life, especially as an artist, is not about certainty and clarity. It is about doubt and uncertainty – and being okay with it.
Staring at a blank page or canvas is intimidating. Frightening.
What if’s abound.
What if…. I have nothing to write about? What if it’s no good? What if I look stupid? What if nothing comes out when I begin to type? What if my pen runs dry?
What if…. the ideas don’t flow? What if the canvas is a mess? What if I have no talent? What if I can’t paint and am just fooling myself?
What if…. nobody likes what I create? Nobody reads my words. Nobody cares?
Ultimately, I have to care.
About me. My work. My creativity. My drive to express whatever is yearning to be expressed within me.
Yesterday, I wrote in my journal that one of the things I need to do is to respect ‘my work’ by treating it with the same professionalism, care and respect I treated working for others.
Now that was a bit of a surprise!
The thought that ‘my work’ was as valid and meaningful, and important, as the work I did out there, in the world, for others.
An interesting thought worth exploring.
What would happen if I did treat myself with the same respect? If I did turn up on time in my studio and worked like doing my work meant something? Was important to me. Vital even?
What would happen?
I don’t know what could/might/will happen if I do it that way. I do know, not doing it that way would be cheating myself of turning up for me. Not treating it that way would be a choice.
It’s a choice I’m not willing to take.
And so, while I am going unscripted for the next 3 months, I shall also be creating a new script for how I turn up for me, on the blank page and the canvas.
This morning, as I wrote my morning pages, ideas for a novel I didn’t know I was considering writing began to form.
Another bit of surprise on this rainy morning!
In my life I have written two complete novels.
I did little with both.
What if…. I decided to treat myself and my creative expressions with professionalism, care and respect.
What if… I decided my work matters?
Pondering as I begin again to create the mindfield of my next adventure in my life.