Do you struggle against change?

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I am struggling.

Struggling with the sense of not having a purpose. Of not having ‘a job’, something that defines me, that acts like a pin on a map, showing people ‘this is where I fit in’.

It’s an odd place, this place of struggle. I know it’s been less than 3 months since I left the workplace, since I hung up my “I’m a leader, changing the world of homelessness” nameplate, and I know, that’s not a long timeframe.

But it still doesn’t make ‘the struggle’ any easier.

Oh, on the surface you can’t see it. I’m busy, doing things, organizing, clearing out rooms and garages and basements. Setting up my studio, riding my bicycle, walking my pooch, cooking and entertaining, painting and creating.

But I struggle with my sense of ‘meaning’, or lack thereof.

And I know me.

Yesterday I heard about an ED role in an organization that was interesting. And I thought… maybe I should apply!  (Yes I know. Aren’t I fascinating! And amusing.) 🙂

See, when I find myself in the dissonance of my discomfort, I look for solutions out there. I seek soothing from external sources in a quick fix mindset that says, “Here honey. This external recognition/ occupation/activity will make you feel better real quick.”

Reality is — external gratification is fleeting. It seldom soothes the core of inner dissonance, offering up instead transitory mental, in-the-moment of the discord, appeasement.

And I breathe.

Struggle is part of the journey. It is not all of it. It is integral to it though as I learn new ways of being present in my life, new paths of travelling to find grace, patience, joy and wonder in my new world of possibility.

Struggle is good. As long as I don’t allow it to become a means to escape, or deny, or avoid or defend against growth.

Growth is part of living.

Growth is inevitable.

It’s up to me to determine how I grow. How much. In what direction. It’s my job to find its value, meaning, possibilities. I can let it drive me into withering, or propel me into creative expression I never before dreamed of as possible in my life.

I am standing in the dissonance of my discomfort, embracing my struggle and diving deep within to find my path through grace, joy and Love.

I am embracing growth and leaning beyond the creative edges of my knowing who I am today. I am allowing myself to feel and know this struggle as part of my journey and to celebrate its presence.

And for today, I’m into getting down and dirty with my ego as I learn to embrace all I need to learn and grow into so that I can grow lovingly and joyfully into this new way of being present in my world that I am not yet comfortable in.

I am pulling the pin of where I stand on the map of my life and setting myself free to gracefully freefloat in a sea of possibility.

I am struggling and celebrating my struggle. It means I’m growing.

And that is cause for celebration!

Namaste.

12 thoughts on “Do you struggle against change?”

  1. Ah, I remember that feeling well, a sense that I’m not doing anything meaningful ( although I chose to retire) and the need to feel a part of something bigger. I too, applied to jobs where my mind was valued.
    It took me a year and a bit to “settle into” just being me in my new life.
    My beautiful Louise, you are enough and your words and art bring thoughtfulness and joy to the world.

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  2. Yes, growth never happens in the comfortable, Louise❣️ Its so easy to attach ourselves to the roles we play, how the world sees us, and how we perceive ourselves in the world. This is how the ego keeps a firm control over us. Letting go of roles, relationships and goals – being more on retreat from the world – can awaken a deeper part of our being. It’s isn’t change, it’s inner transformation that is beckoning. 🙏

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  3. Okay, tis time for a heart-to -heart chat. The comforting yet quite realistic response by Val is right on. You need to focus on you, what is inside you and not the outside world. There is nothing wrong in taking the odd step backwards, or sideways as you bumble along your rejuvenation journey. No one said it would be smooth sailing., so don’t start second guessing yourself.

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    • I hear you my friend — after reading your comment many times I also realized that it is… ‘self-doubt — that place of unnerving inner chatter that wants me to second guess myself and look ‘out there’ versus inside me. Thank you for the heart-to-heart. I hear you! ❤

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  5. Dear Louise,

    I was seeking your address to ask a question – but found this instead.

    It resonates like a clarion with my experience – on our twin retirement dates.

    Mine has been a bit different as my husband had some significant health issues, so I moved from a job to a vocation – aiding and abetting recuperation.

    I hope this gets to you – and I’ll try a few ways – as I have a query about silk painting. Would you accept a commission? It is for a woman (Rita Matthews – just in case you know her), who organized our church’s 50th anniversary – with great care and attention. She is a scarf person, and I’m hoping to find someone who would paint a scarf with the theme colours she chose for the celebration. Might that be you?

    In retirement,

    Jennifer

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  6. The date is set; with trepidation on one side and with hesitancy on the other side (how will they cope when you are gone) and the date arrives. Fan fare occurs (or it did in my case because I planned a fun retirement party) and then you slide away from the center. The center of what was your world. They don’t call or seem to need you. They manage fine as you knew they would but you are left feeling empty, honestly maybe even resentful, that they are managing. Your drive and energy deflates, you have to work on your self esteem and figure out what replaces that integral part of your life.
    Yeah — I get it entirely. I’m glad I have my casual job in a private surgical suite to keep my hands on and a few connections still thriving. I knew before who were real friends and who were only work friends so that’s not a surprise. I miss very few people but I do miss the complexity of what I did and being a key member of the team.
    As I’ve stated in my own blog I am busy but busy isn’t the same. I’ve let it slide while summer goes by; yard work, gardening, construction and soccer so fill our summers that it’s great to have more time. But come fall I have to explore what I really want to change to be fulfilled and not just busy.
    Bernie

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