I am finding these times disturbing. The uncertainty and dismay hang around in the back of my mind like drunken party guests who refuse to leave. There’s no talking reason to them. No interrupting their disruptive nature with quiet, measured words of calm reassurance that it will all be okay. If they just go home to bed everything will look better in the morning. Going home to bed is the last thing they want to do! They want to party like there’s no tomorrow.
I think the disruptive partying going on in my head these past few weeks kind of believes there might be no tomorrow.
It’s okay. I haven’t resorted to drinking too much. Except… my drink of choice is ‘The News’. I circle back to it again and again throughout the day as if just one more drink will make it all come clear. Will make it all go away.
I’m a little drunk on disbelief right now. It hasn’t all gone away.
And so, I head to the studio because, whenever I am feeling disgruntled or unfocused, time in the studio pulls me out of disbelief, dismay and uncertainty. It brings me back.
To myself. To the moment. To beauty.
It is where I desire most to be present.
Years ago, when I was in the beginning days of healing from a relationship that almost killed me, I often caught myself saying to myself, “I can’t believe he…” “I can’t believe I…”
I had to stop myself from saying, “I can’t believe…”
The “I can’t believe” was a crutch. It was a mindblock that was keeping me trapped in despair and anxiety. It was a cop-out phrase that held me captive to its disenfranchising nature. Saying, “I can’t believe” meant I didn’t have to face reality and most importantly, The Truth.
And to heal, I had to face the truth and deal with that. Not the make believe.
In these times, I often hear people saying, “Can you believe this is happening?”
My response has become, “I have to.”
Playing the game of make believe, buying into disbelief, is too dangerous.
But what can I dooooo? the voice of fear and disbelief cries out within.
Today, on someone’s IG feed I saw a meme that made me wonder…
It read:
“I’m not sure if I should wear a mask, buy a gun or a generator.”
Someone recommended the generator and gave them advice on what type of guns to buy.
That buying a mask was not mentioned astounds me (I have many and wear them diligently). But, the reality is that for some, not wearing one is the option of their choice.
That buying a gun was considered an option to resolve the uncertainty of these times also astounded me. But, the reality is that for some, it is.
And as to the generator? Well, power goes out so why not?
Except, I think the generator option might be based on something more insidious than a storm downing power lines.
And I look out of my window at the river flowing by, the last leaves of autumn clinging to the almost bare limbs of the trees that line the riverbank. I watch a squirrel race along the fence line and take a flying leap onto the bird feeder trying desperately to grab the last seeds as they fall.
A few cars pass over the bridge. A flock of geese fly by. Beaumont the Sheepadoodle lies under my desk and watches it all.
And I breathe and remind myself that I must trust.
Trust in this moment. Trust in the universe. Trust in myself and this beautiful world around me.
And I breathe again.
I struggle to understand those who think mask-wearing fits in the same box as buying a gun because… I can’t believe people believe a gun will keep them safe.
Fact is. Some people do.
It is my disbelief that is my problem.
And the only way to resolve my problem is to allow compassion to be my guide.
The path to peace of mind is found in the very things I believe to be essential to create a more kind and loving world – Tolerance. Empathy. Respect. Compassion. Fairness. Equality. Acceptance. Truth. Trust. Love.
Not just for those who think like me or look like me or act like me. For everyone.
It’s hard to live in that space when I’m judging, criticizing, condemning the spaces I can’t believe are also present.
They are all present in the here and now. And it is here, in the here and now, that I must find my peace of mind, my understanding, my compassion and my joy.
And so, I go for a walk in nature. I dance in my studio and spill paint everywhere. I read and write and watch the river flow by and I breathe. Deeply. Filling my body, mind and spirit with life-giving oxygen.
I do the things I know work for me and trust that in so doing, I am adding a little bit of joy and beauty into the world around me. Beauty that will create peace of mind and heart within and all around me. Beauty that will remind everyone I encounter on my path of the power of Love to bring us closer together. To create bridges of understanding, tolerance, unity, dignity, fairness, joy…
And, held captive within is powerful embrace, to remind each of us of our human capacity to Love one another. Fearlessly. Fiercely. Freely.
Namaste.
Dare Boldly 
Wow, something got you going today. Whatever IT was IT unleashed some very powerful thoughts that are so timely. This pandemic experience is taking us down paths untrodden by societal norms. The validity, necessity of something like masks, that can keep us safe, are being questioned by those whose level of intellect, or is it common sense, is at best questionable. You have your safe place, the studio, as a refuge to take comfort in. We all have our safe place that allows us to get away from the swirling eddies of uncertainty brought on by the insidious tentacles of COVID. Then throw today’s US elections into the equation, well, need one say more. The love, friendship, and comfort of those near and dear to us shall, will and must keep us safe and healthy.
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I think IT was the delight of spending time with you of FT and being inspired by our chat and then, catching myself, glancing at my news app way too frequently as if wishing and hoping there was some miraculous global event that shifted all our horizons from dark and gloomy to sunny and bright and wars ended and discrimination and misogyny evaporated and abuse and cruelty disappeared and disrespect and strife evolved into equality and dignity and respect for all.
Oh well. No such miraculous circumstance transpired so I guess it is back to love, friendship and comfort…
Thanks my friend. ❤
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Great read today Louise – full of such truth. I also really enjoyed the comments from Iwona. Amen to both of you! I pray for good results from what is transpiring in our world today…..one can never give up hope.
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I am still praying Val. And checking the results of what is transpiring south of the border way too often! It is a strange, strange world we live in…
Sending you love and hope for a beautiful, calm and loving day. ❤
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Louise I have to say that the disbelief drunkards have had me on the ropes a bit recently too. Last night I had coffee with a friend and we both were drowning in cynicism and disbelief at the current situation. Covid cases on the rise, potential civil war in the states, economic turmoil, blah, blah,bnah. I rather abruptly changed gears however by saying, SO HOW’S THE FAMILY? It was a desperate attempt to get away from where I was headed. And of course, as you so aptly intimated in your piece, the love and joy and peace started to PHLOW again. In the end, we were feeling rather wonderful. The small talk about our loved ones at the end of the conversation was meaningful and heartfelt and very much needed. God Bless Us All. Namaste.
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Love that phrase John, “Disbelief drunkards”. 🙂 Know ’em well!
I’m so glad th PHLOW invitd you into love and joy and peace and that your conversation became more of what you needed.
Many hugs to you my friend (I just remembered my not placed phone call! My apologies.)
Blessings and love.
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Wow what a post so moving and powerful
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Wow. What a lovely comment Joanne. Thank you. ❤
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Wise words. Reading this use of “can you believe” was an eye-opener. We do say it and not just as an exclamation but also because we don’t want to believe it.
Thank goodness for painting and writing and photography and whatever it is that grounds us and helps us to see the joy around us.
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Ah yes Dale! Thank goodness for creative expressions that ground us in joy and love and laughter and hope and community and humanity.
Sending you much love and many hugs from the almost-other-side of this vast land.
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I’ve got a – masks galore (and wear them all the time), b – a generator (rural power outages are a real thing and one can lose the contents of freezers) and c – a gun (rural life means some four legged unwelcome visitors). Right now I’m all about A – plus quiet time at home and decreasing our bubble to tiny and hunkering down. I’m glad you are working on getting the party in your head to go home. It can be a challenge.
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Having seen the photos of the beauty that surrounds your countryside home and read about all the things you set aside and need to freeze for winter, makes sense you have all those things Bernie.
It’s one of the many things I admire about you. You possess this natural grace of making sense of the everyday, even when there’s nonsense afoot.
Like you, we are decreasing our bubble to tiny and savouring the quiet – which for me, includes those party-goers in my head! LOL — yup. Some days, like today where the US election is too close to call, it can be a challenge! ❤
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Louise, you have given us such a beautiful and deep post. The disbeliefs mingle with love, your surrounding with beauty and fun. Can I dance and spill some paint to.
Miriam
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Oh Miriam!!!! Please. Please. Do! Dance and spill paint and share your beautiful soul with love and grace.
Grateful for you.
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