My daughter is making a difference

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Yesterday, my eldest daughter Alexis had a blog she wrote published at Project True, Learning to exercise your right to be you.  I wanted to stand up and cheer  and yell and scream. Go Alexis Go! What courage. What determination. What beauty and honesty.

And then, I wonder.

Where did it begin? This eating disorder. How?

Was it when she was little and a pickie eater and I didn’t insist she eat everything on her plate, even the stuff she didn’t like — unlike my parents who made me clean my plate even though I offered to pack it up and send it to the starving children in Africa ?

Was it when she had sugar and the after-effects immediately presented themselves in a tantrum and I cut sugar out of her diet because I knew it wasn’t good for her?

Or maybe it was from birth? She was a spitter-upper. Some books called it projectile vomitting. Breastmilk. Formula. Pablum. Didn’t matter, she could chuck it up like a lumberjack tossing a log at a strongman contest.

Was it when… and I search the memory banks for reasons why, as if I expect a path to clear and expose, The Source. As if I expect the clouds to part and reveal, The Cause.

As if I believe there is one moment in time, one instance, that if I see it I will know the whys and hows and ins and outs of her eating disorder.

As if that would make a difference.

It doesn’t. Make a difference. It doesn’t change what is. My daughter has an eating disorder. And her eating disorder is not about ‘food’. It’s not about eating sugar, or not. It’s not about cleaning your plate as a little girl, or learning to eat your vegetables.

An eating disorder is deeper than what’s on your plate. An eating disorder, like so much of what makes us who we are, is found deep within our psyches. And my daughter has had the courage to dig into her truth. She has had the strength to face ‘Ed’ in the mirror and say, “You don’t own me”.

She is the one doing the healing. She is the one doing the hard work of recovery. She is turning up, courageous, passionate, sometimes scared, sometimes fearless, always real. She is turning up, in all her woundedness, in all her beauty. She is turning up. And turning up makes a difference.

It is hard for me, her mother, to accept that there is no one moment in time where, if I had done this, or said that, it would all have been different. That there is no one incident that if I’d just seen, or heard, or been, or done something other than what I did or said, that it would have been different.

I want to make it all about me. I want to find what I could have done to make it all different, that one thing, or many things, I didn’t do that would have changed the course of this disease.

It is not about me.

And that is hard to accept because I want to believe there is ‘an answer’ that will give me the power to take this away from her. And there isn’t. And in acknowledging there isn’t, I have to accept, and honour, the truth.

I love my daughter, exactly the way she is. And who she is includes having an eating disorder. It is messy. Ugly. Painful. And I can’t take it away from her. Because an eating disorder isn’t who she is. She is a young woman of great courage, beauty and strength. Her courage is founded in her strength, her willingness to be real, to be authentic, to share her journey, beauty, warts and all, and be true to herself.

There were many paths, many instances, may acts that brought her to this moment in time. It isn’t the path she took to get here that is making the difference. She is making the difference in the choices she makes today. She is making the difference in speaking out, turning up, standing up for herself and others. She is shining a light on the path of recovery for others to follow and in her brilliance, there is truth.

It is scary at times being the mother of a daughter with an eating disorder.

But not as scary or hard as being the one carrying the secrets and shame of this disease. Not as hard as being the one learning to let go of ‘Ed’ so that you can heal.

t is hard work looking into the darkness of ‘Ed’ to see the light. But, as my daughter is showing so many, when you do, you will find yourself at the core of your being the one you are, the beautiful, magnificent, shining human being of worth beyond your wildest imaginings.

And I want to stand up and shout and cheer  and yell and scream, Go Alexis Go!

22 thoughts on “My daughter is making a difference”

  1. Thank you Lisa. It is why I chose to talk about my journey through this as both Alexis and I agree — sharing the journey is powerful for us and for others on the path.

    Thank you so much for being on this path with us Lisa — your courage is inspiring!

    Blessings.

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  2. Louise, I am so happy for Alexis as she finds her strength and her own way to being free from her ED. I know she’ll do it. As her mom, it is so hard, I know. My mother did all the things you are doing, searching for the thing she did wrong, that she could undo or blame herself for. And while there is sometimes a value in finding the root of the problem, you can’t blame yourself. There are so many factors, as you know. I think you are doing the right things now, cheering her on, supporting her healing, letting her know how much you love and accept her.
    I for one am cheering you both on.

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  3. this is breathtakingly beautiful, friend.
    THANK you thank you thank you
    for sharing.
    I want to make it about me, too,
    when my kids suffer. I wonder. I ache. I wring my hands.
    And letting it go
    and be
    and letting them fly and figure it out
    is me growing up, too.
    Such a journey, this.
    Hooray to your brave girl
    and her just as brave mom:)
    -Jennifer

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  4. Hi Mark, I appreciate that is your perspective.

    My post is not about my daughter’s story. It’s about my reflections on what it means to me as a mother in this situation. It’s about my struggle to find answers where the only answer that makes any sense is Love.

    As I mentioned to JoAnne, she called to say, Thank you.

    And when she did, I told her “I wrote it from my heart”

    and she replied, It shows.

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    • Elgie, I don’t doubt for a second the sincerity of your feelings. My comment – perhaps better stated as ‘how does your daughter feel about you telling her story that way?’ .. because, while she too will not doubt your sincerity or your noble motives, likely will feel it is HER story to tell … and if I’m wrong, no worries
      because the issue is important ….
      Mark

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      • Mark, I find your insistence on knowing what is right versus wrong interesting. It is possible that because you are convinced of what is right versus wrong, you missed my comment on my daughter’s response to my blog.

        I don’t know what is true for you. I do know that for me, looking at it through right or wrong is too hard a place to stand.

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  5. OK, LG,

    I see you already have a ton of congratulatory comments – so you probably won’t like this one …

    I linked to your daughter’s piece – beautiful truth from the teller whose story it is to tell.

    I find your telling of her story strikes me wrong – not because you don’t have issues with it or the right to write it . .

    But it is HER story to tell, don’tcha think?

    Suggestion …. have your daughter write a guest blog on the subject – that would be powerful!

    I know you love her and want to support her – but as I read your blog today, I can’t help but wonder if she is comfortable with you posting what you wrote.

    I can imagine being in similar shoes and don’t think I would be . . .

    my two cents,

    Mark

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    • She called me yesterday morning JoAnne to say, Thanks for the blog mom. It’s beautiful.

      She made my heart dance. 🙂 but then, my daughters always make my heart dance!

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  9. Thank you for sharing, I still cry over the choices my son makes, he was born with many allergies and extreme ADHD. As a mother we feel the pain of our children, I too realise there was no one point where this started, it is his soul journey and when he is ready to deal with it he will. Too love unconditionally is the greatest gift and he has taught me.
    wishing your daughter light on her journey into the spirit.
    Andrea

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  10. I have finally found sound guidance for true healing from my “ED” in the book titled “A Course in Weight Loss: 21 Spiritual Lessons in Surrendering Your Weight Forever” by Marianne Williamson. You are very right in saying that ED is not about food. It is all about one’s spirit. This book is a guide to retraining our spiritual consciousness. It is in that deep place that the seeds and roots of ED dwell and it is there that change must occur for true transformation away from ED.

    I know this book deals with “weight loss”, but really it would be suitable for anyone with any food/eating disorder, or anyone who loves someone with a ED. The spiritual concepts are applicable across the board.

    Thanks for sharing, today it made a difference to me.

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    • Thank you Beans for turning up here. I shall pass along your book recommendation to my daughter as well! And so true — it is deep within our spirit that the roots must be dug into and transformed.

      Blessings on your journey. I appreciate your difference to me.

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