No. 17 #ShePersisted Series
http://louisegallagher.ca/shepersisted
Recently, while talking to my husband about a situation where a friend has crossed one of my boundaries, he advised me to ‘get over it’.
I heard him. I think there’s validity in his suggestion, as long as the ‘getting over it’ doesn’t mean getting over the issue by pushing it down and not giving my friend the benefit of trust to walk through it with me.
Because that’s the rub. Getting over something that I deem as a violation of trust and friendship by simply ignoring it and saying nothing, will not strengthen my friendship with this person, nor will it give me peace of mind. Not finding a way to speak through loving kindness about this issue will strengthen distrust between my friend and I, and if I don’t speak up, they will never know why I am distancing myself and we will never have the chance to possibly grow through this situation.
In speaking with them about it, we may agree to disagree. That’s okay. But for me to say nothing will leave the root of unease within me, and my relationship with them will continue to be strained.
It is one of the truths I’ve learned from living on the dark side of the belief that I don’t have the right to speak up and set my boundary when I feel someone has invited me to collude with them in making something they’re doing right for me even when I know it is against my values.
It isn’t a judgement of what they are doing – whether I agree or disagree with what they’re doing, is not the issue I need to address. The issue is, my silence. When I stay silent in the face of a situation where I feel my values and boundaries are being crossed, I am giving silent acquiescence that says what they are doing is okay in my life even when it’s not okay in my life. And when I stay silent in those situations, I risk my peace of mind and my sense of walking with integrity.
And that isn’t healthy for me, nor our friendship
My head wants me to believe I don’t have the right to speak up. It wants me to buy into the notion that it’s not a big deal — nobody got hurt. Why bother to right something that’s not all that wrong.
Integrity isn’t about someone else’s actions. It’s about what is the right thing for me to do to value our friendship and to eliminate spaces where I know I am pulling away by silently giving way to behaviours that do not fit my life.
My ego is not my friend in these situations. It wants me to make it all about right and wrong by being the judge of their actions. I am not the judge of their actions. I am the keeper of mine and when I face the fact that I did not set a clear boundary in this situation, I need to address it — and whatever decision/result comes from that, it will be what it is.
The ego’s challenge is — it wants me to ‘get over it’ by staying silent and just pushing the situation away. “They’ll be mad at you if you speak up,” the ego chatters. “You’ll only create waves. Make things worse.”
Fact is, when I’m getting mad at someone for crossing a boundary I refused to set, the person I need to work with most is me. And the best way to do that is to have the courage to speak through loving-kindness by setting my boundary and being clear on where I stand.
Getting over something is very different than moving through it.
For me, ‘getting over it’ means suppressing my feelings, reactions, thoughts.
To truly get over something that continues to eat at my peace of mine, I must have the courage to look at where I feel the rub, and take loving action to walk through the discomfort of knowing where I need to stand is in not telling someone else they’re ‘wrong’. It’s in standing up for what is right for me.
Namaste.
Dare Boldly 
I have only had a handful of conflicts but each has been ferocious, traumatic and, for me, not worth it. Every time I stand up for myself it backfires on me and I become an absolute nervous wreck. If I am honest with (for eg. in-laws) I just end up being the baddie so I have decided to let these friends go. Of course I am not sure if I’ve done the right thing or not but it is a fantastic relief to have them out of my life. I just wish I had handled things with more dignity and less rage!
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I remember reading about some of this Julie and what I always felt in your words was the strong desire to find the middle ground, the peaceful path — and you can only shift you, not the other. The dignity is in the choice to let go rather than to keep engaging. And yes, sometimes, we’re not all that graceful, but in letting go, we have the opportunity to forgive them, and ourselves, when we have behaved badly. In that forgiveness, is dignity. Many hugs my friend. You continually inspire me iwith your capacity to love fiercely, deeply and compassionately.
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I feel so embarrassed now that I blogged about such horrible stuff and then had to, metaphorically, eat my words. I choose kindness now, Louise and that is thanks to you
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Stick with the present dear Julie — kindness includes being kind with yourself today — and that includes letting go of the embarrassment for which you have no need to feel. Your honesty and heart always ring true – and that is a gift dear friend. ❤
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Okay – thanks so much, Louise x
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Thank you Louise. I really needed to read this today. Stepping out of my comfort zone less than a hour ago to address a situation where I felt my boundaries step on and my feelings hurt (while not buckling to my shoulder critter telling me to just “get over it” and “not make waves”), turned out well. It was an opportunity to check in on intent as well as for both to feel heard and understood.
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What a powerful comment Bev — and what a gift to read your words. Thanks for sharing the truth of your experience! How inspiring! ❤
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For so many of us just getting over it is easier said then done
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And yet, it’s always worth it Joanne, even when it’s hard. Hugs
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Well said Louise. Wish I had been smarter earlier but never too late !
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I think we may all wish that Vivianne. But as you say — better late than never! ❤
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By the way I am agreeing with everything you posted about dealing with the issue at hand. In my case, it was my fault for setting this particular friendship up that way and pushing down all the hurts for so long. So your advice is point on and I wished I’d had it all those years ago! 😉
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Ahhh I must have lost the entire comment I thought I’d posted before this one!!! Oh well, guess it was meant for me to just get it out and “get over it” lol. Arghhhh.
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You always make my heart feel all warm and fuzzy Di. Love your exuberance and enthusiasm for life! You radiate joy and love. ❤
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OF COURSE IT’S A BIG DEAL. And, whether or not it is a footnote or forgotten a year from now – in the fullness of time, it IS important because it IS a big deal right now.
So, what to do?
State your truth. Do it with your friend. Or alone in a closet. Just make sure YOU know the score. As for whether someone else needs to know the score, that’s the ‘rough for a while until you decide’ part … and then it’s over.
THEN, as my friend Annie from New Jersey says, “build a bridge, and get over it …”
m
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You point out something very important — whatever, however, where ever I choose to state my truth — it is my choice and up to me to decide how to move forward from there. With grace and dignity is most preferred! 🙂
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