Miracles are Free

Coming through the Roger's Pass
Coming through winter on The Roger's Pass

On May 21, 2003 at 9:14am  two police officers walked in and arrested the man who was busy trying to organize my demise. I didn’t care. I had spent so many months wishing I was dead, immersed in thoughts of suicide that I wanted him to do it, to get rid of me, to end it all so that I wouldn’t have to carry the pain and sorrow and grief of what I had done to my life, and my daughters’ lives and the lives of those I loved any longer. And then, a blue and white police car drove up and delivered a miracle — I got my life back.

In the hours following his arrest, I sat in catatonic horror looking at the devastation of my life, trying to grapple with what I would do next. I had 72 cents in my pocket, a few clothes and Ellie, my golden retriever.

I did the only thing I could think of. I phoned my sister Anne who lived an hour away from where I had been hiding out for almost four months while ‘the man’ tried to devise a scheme to escape Canada and get rid of me in the process.

I was blessed. Like my daughters, they had spent the final months of my journey into hell not knowing if I was alive or dead. Too beaten down, too frightened and too far into the web of his control, I hadn’t let anyone know where I was or what had happened to me. It didn’t matter to my sister and her husband, Lee. Without any questions or recriminations, they came and got Ellie and me and took us to their home. It was in the safety of their home I began the journey back to myself.  I lived with Anne and Lee for a year and a half and in that time found myself on the other side of the dark days. I found myself coming home to myself, joyful, exuberant and living life fearlessly in Love.

I am blessed. Anne and Lee were the difference between my falling into despair or coming out on the other side of the pain. I am grateful.

Last night, after driving through spring and winter, bare roads and slushy conditions, rain and sleet, Ellie and I arrived safely to a welcome of a warm dinner, a glass of wine and beautiful companionship.

It was a good drive yesterday. I played tunes, sang at the top of my lungs. Listened to CBC radio when I could get a signal in the  mountains as Ellie slept in the back seat. As we drove into Vancouver, her head popped up and she sat up to watch the city emerge out of the rain and fog that had been clinging to the sides of the mountains as we crossed to the leeward side of the coastal range.

It is her first time back since I left Vancouver in 2005 to move back to Calgary to live once again with my daughters.

I am different now. Life is different now and thanks to Anne and Lee, my daughters and I have healed and our lives are so much different than what might have been had they not responded so lovingly to the miracle of my getting my life back on that day in May almost 9 years ago.

14 thoughts on “Miracles are Free”

    1. Thank you Barbara — my life today is so much richer, so much brighter than even before him! And Ellie continues to be my golden companion! 🙂 (even when she roles in mudpuddles — as she did promptly yesterday when Anne and I walked her into the forest where she loved to roam in the past!) Monkey!!! 🙂

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  1. This story definitely grabbed my attention, Louise. You’ve clearly been through a lot to reach the peaceful place in life where you live now. But this did raise some mysteries for me, as I’m just getting to know you here on your blog: do you talk about what happened back then elsewhere in your writing? Or do you need to keep the story a bit mysterious for your own physical or emotional safety? Sorry if I seem nosy, but as a reader and writer, I can’t seem to help my curiosity. Whatever the answer, thank you for sharing from the heart on this blog.

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    1. Hi Carol! I love curiosity!!!! It makes for great writers like you! And yes, I do write about it — on my other blog, http://www.recoveryourjoy.blogspot.com I’ve written a great deal about those days, and I wrote a book (The Dandelion Spirit) as well as it forms the foundation for a documentary that is part of the series, the Devil You Know currently on the Oprah Network — Devil in a Pinstripe Suit is the title. 🙂

      Both my daughters and I embrace our lives today with joy and love and wonder — they too say that while those times were hell to go through, they wouldn’t change them for they form part of the amazing lives we have today, and they taught us so much! Hugs

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      1. Yes the first time I saw you and your daughters…I knew there was a bond…that could not be broken….I felt so much hope that time…..it was at a art show at the DI….but saw your bond with your daughters…I also noticed that they would also hold you when you were down….its just a sense…a true bond of Spirit…One more thing…take a walk today…and breathe….writing of ones past is hard…either way…I am proud of you….I walk in your footsteps in my way

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  2. I am grateful that you lived my friend. You have certainly touched my life with your beautiful heart. What a powerful story, what a testiment to the strength of the human spirit your story is!

    Diana

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  3. Louise…your timing is just right..Today I move out of my fine place,,,,I don’t have a clue where I will go today..but you know…I will be taken care of either way…so thanks for your story…I was sitting here in my pity……sadness and confusion…worry and all that is within me…but I read your daily writing…and right now all I can say is Thanks…..so I am off closing one chapter of my life and today starting another one…and I am glad your in my story of life…..later

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  4. Louise, I’m sorry you have been through so much. Now I understand why I felt close, why I felt you could understand me and my struggle. I don’t know if you are reading my posts, but you are helping me anyway. Thank you

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  5. Louise, I am touched by the frankness of your post. The courage within the human spirit is truly remarkable. Be good to yourself, and maybe give Ellie an extra cookie for bearing witness to your journey.

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  6. Thankful for all the people who choose to make a difference and have that legacy to leave. Your sister is an example of that no hesitation just there doing what’s right and making a difference and look at you now!! An insptiration for all of us. Thank goodness for those who care in and out of uniform. Doing what is the right thing to do. Have a lovely trip you deserve it. Hello to those beautiful girls and a wonderful family. They were there no matter how much they had hurt when you where gone they loved you and needed you back and they all knew there must have been something devistating to tear the you they knew away from them. A reminder to all of us to pay it foreward.
    Happy Easter
    Lynda

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  7. i was just thinking…about the driving through a mountain pass. i drove the one near mt shasta a few times. so many curves and hills and semi trucks passing another semi truck…it takes all of my concentration and and physical wheel turning. i am totally exusted on the other side…but relieved.

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