On May 21, 2003 at 9:14am two police officers walked in and arrested the man who was busy trying to organize my demise. I didn’t care. I had spent so many months wishing I was dead, immersed in thoughts of suicide that I wanted him to do it, to get rid of me, to end it all so that I wouldn’t have to carry the pain and sorrow and grief of what I had done to my life, and my daughters’ lives and the lives of those I loved any longer. And then, a blue and white police car drove up and delivered a miracle — I got my life back.
In the hours following his arrest, I sat in catatonic horror looking at the devastation of my life, trying to grapple with what I would do next. I had 72 cents in my pocket, a few clothes and Ellie, my golden retriever.
I did the only thing I could think of. I phoned my sister Anne who lived an hour away from where I had been hiding out for almost four months while ‘the man’ tried to devise a scheme to escape Canada and get rid of me in the process.
I was blessed. Like my daughters, they had spent the final months of my journey into hell not knowing if I was alive or dead. Too beaten down, too frightened and too far into the web of his control, I hadn’t let anyone know where I was or what had happened to me. It didn’t matter to my sister and her husband, Lee. Without any questions or recriminations, they came and got Ellie and me and took us to their home. It was in the safety of their home I began the journey back to myself. I lived with Anne and Lee for a year and a half and in that time found myself on the other side of the dark days. I found myself coming home to myself, joyful, exuberant and living life fearlessly in Love.
I am blessed. Anne and Lee were the difference between my falling into despair or coming out on the other side of the pain. I am grateful.
Last night, after driving through spring and winter, bare roads and slushy conditions, rain and sleet, Ellie and I arrived safely to a welcome of a warm dinner, a glass of wine and beautiful companionship.
It was a good drive yesterday. I played tunes, sang at the top of my lungs. Listened to CBC radio when I could get a signal in the mountains as Ellie slept in the back seat. As we drove into Vancouver, her head popped up and she sat up to watch the city emerge out of the rain and fog that had been clinging to the sides of the mountains as we crossed to the leeward side of the coastal range.
It is her first time back since I left Vancouver in 2005 to move back to Calgary to live once again with my daughters.
I am different now. Life is different now and thanks to Anne and Lee, my daughters and I have healed and our lives are so much different than what might have been had they not responded so lovingly to the miracle of my getting my life back on that day in May almost 9 years ago.