I know when I drive to Police HQ to sign a contract for a course I will be teaching in the fall that I have a meeting at 4:30. I am excited. This is work I love. Work I know makes a difference.

I’ll go sign the contract, go home, let Ellie out, go to my meeting and when I get home, go to bed early. A good night’s sleep and I’ll feel better, I tell myself.

I am really tired. Driving a full day, a broken night’s sleep the night before and one the night after have taken a toll. I am tired.

I have an hour between signing the contract and my meeting to grab a quick nap. Ample time for me to restore my equilibrium and energy I tell myself.

I fall asleep.

At 7pm, I wake up.

I do not remember I had a meeting that I have missed.

I am groggy. Disoriented. I take Ellie for a walk. I do not remember my phone. Which is okay because I made a deal with myself that I only use it on walks to take photos. Walks are restorative, me time. Ellie traipses along and I semi-sleep-walk. There are lots of photos to take, but I don’t think about taking them and don’t realize my phone is at home until I get home.

When I remember my meeting it is too late. I am home again and puttering quietly around the house, organizing, unpacking, doing laundry. C.C. phones. We chat and suddenly, in the midst of our conversation, I remember. I had a meeting.

Oh no!

I missed it! We even rescheduled our regular Wednesday night meeting because I couldn’t be there. I even emailed with one of the individual’s involved earlier in the day. I closed my email with, I’ll be there. Looking forward to connecting.

That’s the thing about driving for a full day bookended by two nights of really poor sleep. My mind goes to mush. And once mushy, there’s no way to unmush it except… sleep and time.

I phone. Leave a message. My apologies…..

A friend calls. We chat for a few minutes and they mention forgiving themselves for the past. “It’s not anything specific,” they say. “It’s just, I know I hurt people…”

Self-forgiveness is a daily act of grace, I write later in my journal when I go to bed.

I sleep better.

Brain is not as mushy this morning.

Sleep and time make a difference in the mushiness in  my brain, but even time can’t undo itself. Yesterday is gone, as is the meeting I missed.

I let down three people who mean a lot to me, I owe them an apology.

And for myself, self-forgiveness makes a difference.  My intent was not to break a commitment. My intent was to be there. Mushy-mind syndrome took over and I fell short of my desired outcome.

Begin again.

Always begin again.

Today, I commit to keeping my commitments. To being conscious of what I’m doing, of what I say, of commitments I make and my need to keep them. Today, I commit to being my best and accept that yesterday, that was my best and forgive myself for those moments where my actions did not reflect what I wanted to do, be, have in the world.

And I begin again. I give myself the gift of grace. I forgive myself.

It makes a difference.

 

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Sleep and time make a difference.