Yesterday I listened to a panel of ‘experts’ being interviewed on another angle of the Amanda Todd story that disturbs me. A woman in Calgary, after finding an insulting comment on the Amanda Todd Facebook page, tracked down the man who wrote it through his FB page, contacted his employer and they fired him. (Christine Flavreau gets Toronto man fired for negative Facebook comment)
I understand her desire to stop online bullying. I understand the need to hold people accountable. I do not understand the need to create more victims.
Years ago, while working on a play with a group of street teens, I took the unusual measure of going eyeball to eyeball with johns in order to understand what young teen prostitutes go through standing out on the street, selling their bodies. I was fortunate. I had two police officers watching out for me. I had been coached both by the police and the girls, several of whom were part of the group writing the play with me.
It didn’t matter how prepared I was. I was terrified that night. Terrified and feeling alone. Terrified and feeling shamed. Terrified and feeling exposed.
It was awful.
And, it was enlightening.
Prior to standing out on the street posing as a prostitute I carried a lot of opinions about the johns. Evil. Perverse. Perverted. Scum… I was full of judgments.
And then, I stood beneath a streetlight, my body exposed in scanty apparel. Strutting the walk. Striking the pose.
Men drove slowly by inspecting the wares on display. My job was to entice them to stop. I smiled. Looked ‘alluring’. Did my best to be the one they picked. They drove around the block, circled back, again and again until finally, they’d stop and I’d approach the car.
They’d roll down the window, sometimes I’d open the door and lean in. We’d have ‘the conversation’ until eventually, I would step back, close the door, say, “Not tonight” and they would go on to pick another.
I was fortunate that night. I never had to get into a car with a stranger, drive down some dark lane and commit some sexual act for $50 bucks or a $100, depending upon the act. I never had to perform beyond the pose I struck on the street and the brief conversation that ensured I had the chance to go eyeball to eyeball with these men who disgusted me.
I was safe. My guardian angels sat in two separate unmarked police cars watching over me.
But I didn’t feel safe. I felt scared. Frightened. Confused.
What was wrong with us? Where was our humanity? What drew these men to troll the streets searching for release through sex for hire?
It wasn’t because they were healthy. It wasn’t because everything was ‘all right’ in their lives. It was much deeper. Much more complex than just men abusing their power and control on the seedier side of life.
It was hell that night. And yet, I came away with something I never expected.
I stood out for four hours that night and when Ron and Glenn, the two police officers who were watching over me took me for coffee after my turn on the street, I cried.
“They’re all victims,” I told them. “Every car that drove up I imagined a bucketful of shame dragging behind them. They don’t do this because they ‘like’ it. They do it because it’s the only way they know to push back the pain of living.”
Doesn’t make it right. Doesn’t make what they’re doing justified.
But it does make it possible for me to feel compassion for these men who are so broken, they cannot see that their actions are breaking the lives they touch.
I thought of those johns yesterday as I listened to the panelists discuss the right and wrong of what Christine Flavreau did. I understand ‘why’ she did it. I don’t understand what makes it right to do.
Bullying bullies creates bigger bullies.
Treating symptoms does not cure the disease.
What happened to Amanda Todd is tragic.
What that man posted was wrong.
Had he been an alcoholic and created a scene at the Christmas party, his employer might have helped him find treatment, instead of dismissal.
Had he been suffering from depression, they might have offered him counselling.
What he wrote is a symptom of the unease/disease within him. Publicly shaming him is not the path to awareness. It’s no way to stop bullying.
Until the root cause is found, he’ll keep doing it only now, he’ll have a victim story to tell that keeps him pinioned to the shame of what he did and how he was wronged.
Bullying a bully doesn’t give him or her pause to reflect upon their actions. It doesn’t give them cause to seek help or find ways to change.
We cannot stop bullying by labelling someone a bully and letting them go.
We need to find a more compassionate, humane and caring way to heal the wounds that are causing us to act out. We need to stop the pain within if we are to create a world without bullying.
Dare Boldly 
So interesting, Louise. I saw this post a few days ago and have been meaning to get back to it. Glad I did. They do say that all bullies are cowards at heart. They wouldn’t do what they do if they didn’t feel terrible about themselves inside.
However, the idea of treating bullies with compassion is unheard of to many, even though it’s exactly what works. Everyone–kids and adults–behaves better when they believe someone will hear them. Yes, even bullies.
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Thanks Megan. it was incredibly powerful for me to be out there. Not something I recommend, but it definitely taught me a lot about our shared human condition — I feel compassion is a stronger force for healing than anger or retribution.
Rethinking is good — as long as you’re compassionate with yourself! 🙂
Hugs
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This is an incredibly powerful story, Louise. I don’t think I’ve heard anyone show compassion for those johns and those on “the other side.”
And yet, it’s something I’ve been thinking about this school year. After years of burying their collective heads in the sand, our school district just discovered bullying. They’re going all out. One bully who did need someone to stop his behavior, came out with all the bullying that had been done to him. He’s, fundamentally, a good kid. I am being forced to rethink everything (not that there’s anything wrong with that).
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And I love that you took the time to think about this and comment. Thanks Fi!
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I hate bullying, I hate what it is doing to our children, I hate that social media gives bullies a platform to speak and hide behind. and I love that you put everything in such simple terms and get to the heart of it.
Can’t begin to imagine how scary your ‘street walking’ was, how very brave of you.
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Hi Louise,
I loved this post and how you digged deeper into a subject that many would just view at a surface level. I have recently remembered to start reading your daily blog – I was a UEP participant from this year, and was extremely inspired by the week you spoke with us. Question: where can I purchase your book?
Thanks 🙂
Carla
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Hello Carla — how nice to hear from you! I too enjoyed our EUP encounter — you and the group inspired me!
And… right now The Dandelion Spirit is out of print — but…. I’m working on getting it printed again. I’ll let you know when it’s available. Thanks so much! 🙂
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A very thought-provoking piece as usual. You have an uncanny ability to rise above the automatic reaction to another place where you can see the pain in the bully/abuser…not an easy place to go.
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Thanks Diana — I think it is something we share.
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I always enjoy your posts Louise, and am amazed at your energy and insights. On this point, though, I think that I must for the most part respectfully disagree with your assertion that holding this man accountable is victimizing him. I would never support vigilante justice, and unless my own child were directly involved, I would probably not go to the lengths that Christine went to get the man fired. However, I am supportive of her actions and the reasons behind them. This man is an adult – we don’t know his background or if he was in fact a victim in any way, but at the point where he victimizes another human being, he has changed roles. Just as drunk drivers face consequences for their actions, so must bullies. The laws will have to be examined very carefully in this new era, but the concept is the same. Your freedom reaches as far as the end of your nose. Be empathetic, provide support and counselling – by all means. But don’t take away the concept of justice and allow this behaviour to be minimized in any way. Perhaps it is for the courts to decide, but until they make up their minds, I have no problem with people taking a stand and protecting those who are not able to do so for themselves, as Amanda Todd was not able to do in this case.
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Hi Sandra, thank you for sharing your insights. I agree — he, all of us, are accountable for our actions. By being held accountable, we grow and learn and become, hopefully, better human beings.
It is a complex issue — and yes, in this age, the law and courts need to catch up.
Lovely to hear you speaking up! Blessings
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I didn’t know until a few minutes ago that it’s “Spirit Day” against bulleying. Here’s an article from Sojourners:
http://sojo.net/blogs/2012/10/19/bullying-my-story
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What a powerful yet tender story — and I too did not know it was Spirit Day against Bullying. Very cool!
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I’m not sure where my comment went. I posted and it disappeared. I wanted to say what a thought provoking post this is Louise. Well done. It begs us to question “What are we doing wrong?” and I think you’ve found a solution.
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I’m glad your comment was found Lisa! Thanks so much — the solution always begins with each of us. Blessings.
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I like your analogy of Johns v. bullies. It’s about power and abuse. However, the social media has taken this to a whole new level. Excellent post, Louise and very thought provoking in causing us to ask the question ‘what are we doing wrong?”
She Writes friend.
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Hi Lisa — for some reason your comment went into my spam file — I found it there! Thanks again.
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This was an wonderfully thoughtful post, and I agree with you. Bullying bullies isn’t helpful. Plus it only increases the whole net-phenomenon and the need to constantly monitor oneself. I still don’t think he would’ve said those things to an actual person, so on some level we need to keep instilling that in people… that people not machines receive messages. Thanks for your insight!
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I agree Kristen — if we can’t say what we write, don’t write it. Too often we wouldn’t say the things we write if the person is there. Sad thing is, even gossip contributes to this.
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the life of a prostitute is painful, disgusting that is why this trade should be abolished.
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Is is incredibly challenging Trisha. Blessings.
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Excellent post, Louise. I agree that bullying a bullying person is not a solution to the problem.
There is another point to be made, too, and that has to do with boundaries. I cannot understand why people think they can post anything they want when using social media, such as posting a nasty or otherwise insulting comment, violating another’s privacy (as happens when private medical information is put out for everyone to see), publishing a photo that was never meant to be shown to the world. People seem to lack what should be a strong inner check that makes them stop and ask, is this appropriate. Perhaps the word I’m looking for is “civility”. It’s sorely lacking.
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Ah yes Maureen. Civility. Such a challenging concept in a world of 15 minutes of fame and Jerry Springerlike wannabes and reality tv.
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Intriguing argument but I am still in two minds – thanks for getting me thinking!
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Thinking is important Julie! 🙂 thanks for chiming in!
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