I first met Mike Webster in June 2006. He was one of the coaches in the room when I went through Choices, the personal development program I continue to support and coach in. I didn’t really get to know him though until I started coaching myself and saw him, month after month, always in the training room, always giving back, always sharing his experience with kindness, caring and laughter.

Mike is one of those people you simply cannot help but like. He’s intelligent, insightful and witty (and yes ladies, he’s single — Thelma made me say it Mike! 🙂 ) — he’s got a wicked sense of humour — Slightly sarcastic but never mean. He sees the funny in our human condition and shines a loving light on it with laughter and a smile.

Today, Mike shares his insight as the guest blogger. In fact, while this is the first time Mike has guest blogged, this will be his last guest blog this year — because he is the closing guest blogger of 2012.

Thank you Mike for sharing your words, your heart and your experience so gracefully and eloquently. As this year comes to a close, your insight on Plan B resonates. I have had an amazing year yet, there are things this past year that didn’t go quite as planned. Reading your words, I am reminded to find value in all things, to see the gift in all circumstances and no matter what is going on, to choose Love over fear.

Blessings on a Happy New Year!

Moving to Plan B:

The Lessons of Pain and Disappointment

 By Mike Webster

Sometimes things don’t go according to plan. We have dreams and aspirations that we work hard to make come true, but sometimes things don’t work out.

When they don’t, when we have put our hearts, our hopes, and our dreams into something we desperately want, it hurts. It can crush you. It can leave a bad taste in your mouth. It can leave you to rail against God…the universe…life.

This summer I suffered one of the biggest disappointments of my life. And that is exactly what happens: we ‘suffer’ a disappointment. At the time, I thought the pain would last forever. At least that’s what I felt. I had been working toward something for more than six months, and then, when push came to shove, I came up short. I was sure in that moment that this failure was permanent, that it meant I was somehow defective and destined to be denied my hopes and dreams.

I’ve left out the details of my specific failure for two reasons. The first is that, contrary to the opinion of some, it is not always healthy to discuss your failures in public. Don’t get me wrong: I don’t mean that you should keep things like this a secret. If you hide the pain and disappointment in your life, it leads to  feelings of shame. I’ve shared what happened with my family and those close to me. I needed to share those feelings in order to separate what happened to me from my sense of my value as a person. I am very clear now that just because I suffered a disappointment or a failure does not make me a disappointment or failure. II am not defined by my experience. But that realization only comes by talking it through. I am grateful to the friends and family who listened to me.

The second reason I haven’t discussed the details here is that these types of disappointments happen to all of us, and they happen regularly. They are a part of the human condition. We all have hopes, dreams, and desires. All of human history is a testament to our ambition, our desire to improve ourselves and our situation. But the unavoidable fact is that not all of those dreams can come true. The odds are against us. Part of being human requires dealing with the inevitability of pain and disappointment.

That’s when life gives us a choice: we can choose to wallow in that pain and disappointment; or we can brush ourselves off, look for what we can learn from the situation, and move in a different direction. Too often, we choose to stay stuck. And it is a choice. When we choose to live in the pain and disappointment, when we choose to allow them to define who we are, we diminish ourselves. Remaining in the frustration of the moment robs us of our power.

What I had to do was acknowledge what happened to me. I talked it over with people I trusted. I used my disappointment and frustration as an opportunity to learn more about myself. I learned that, no matter how much it hurts in the moment, I can survive disappointment. I learned that I am more capable than I sometimes give myself credit for. I learned that the important people in my life are there for me no matter what.

But most importantly, I learned that sometimes a shift in direction can lead to a better destination than the one I was aiming for. Throughout my life, the real significant disappointments and challenges I have faced have allowed me to change and grow. With some distance, I can see that the great things that have happened in my life have been the serendipitous result of a change in direction or personal growth caused by a moment of disappointment or pain.

As hard as those pains and disappointments have been, I would not change them if given the chance. With every opportunity I have to help someone else, I give thanks for the lessons learned through pain and disappointment. They have made me who I am.