I am in the third week of a summer cold. Nothing remarkable, distinguishable or memorable about it, other than, it drags me down and leaves me feeling tired most of the time.
And feeling tired is not a comfortable state of being for me!
To quote my auntie Maggie, What to do? What to do?
Nothing, other than perhaps nurture myself, give myself a break and take it easy. Perhaps that’s why they invented summer vacations in the first place, to give us time and space to take a rest without guilt as a constant companion.
Poet Criss Jami wrote, “It has always seemed that a fear of judgment is the mark of guilt and the burden of insecurity.”
Feeling tired always makes me feel guilty. Perhaps the underlying motivation for my feelings of guilt is that I measure my worth on how much I do, and not on my value as a human being.
“If you don’t keep doing, people will think you’re lazy,” my inner critic whispers. “And nobody likes someone who’s lazy.”
My rational mind, hearing (well seeing actually because I just typed the words) leaps into action and replies, “Well, actually, it’s not about people thinking you’re lazy. that’s not what’s got you feeling insecure. It’s that you think you only have value in the world if you’re constantly doing, constantly in action, constantly saving the world. It’s all about feeling uber-responsible for the world, and not trusting the Universe to turn up and be present.”
My inner critic laughs. “It has nothing to do with saving the world. It’s all about the fact you’re just a plain and simple fraud. You’re lazy and cover it up with always doing things, trying to be a more than everyone else kind of person.”
Taking a deep breath, my heart responds. “Stop it both of you. Neither of you has the right to judge. I am doing my best and feeling tired simply means I’ve depleted my energies and need to take care of me. Taking care of me first is always important because if I don’t give myself medicine, how will I have the energy to take care of others.”
“Maybe it’s not your job,” my voice of reason states with a smug grin. “Maybe nobody wants you to take care of them. Maybe you need to take care of you because that is your job.”
Happy to have my voice of reason on the defensive, my inner critic leaps into the fray. “Yeah! You always think it’s your job to take care of the world. You just think you’re too big for your britches. You think you’re so great. Well you’re not. You don’t even have the energy to get up on time! You hit snooze 3 times this morning and now look at the time. You’re late!”
And my heart sighs and my voice of reason nods its head, and my soul laughs.
Laughter truly is the best medicine.
All this energy debating why I should or should not feel guilty about feeling tired (I did hit the snooze 3 times) when seriously, accepting what is, I’ve got a summer cold and I feel tired, does not mean I have to invoke the fifth or fifty-fifth amendment to explain why I’m feeling tired. The reason why I’m feeling tired is not as relevant as what I’m doing to take care of me where I’m at — in my summer cold cycle and all of that!
And it means, I get to decide if I hit the snooze and feel okay about hitting the snooze button or not.
I hit the snooze button 3 times this morning. The sun still shines. The earth still holds its orbit and the moon has gone to bed. Time for me to get up and get into action, without carrying a truck load of guilt on my shoulders!
Time to celebrate another day and give it my 100% even when I’m feeling like my energy is a 5 out of 10. Because, to ‘para-phrase/quote’ the amazing Thelma Box, founder of Choices, whether I’m at a 10 or a 3, I give my 100% to where ever I’m at.
Here’s to giving my 100% to the best of my ability today. Here’s to letting go of judgement and surrendering to Love with 100% of my heart.