Whereever you go, go with all your heart. Confucious
When the pain of what we are living becomes greater than our fear of changing, we let go. When our fear of drowning swamps our fear of holding onto nothing, we start to swim. And when the pain of believing we are worthless becomes too great to bear, we surrender, and fall, in Love.
Like a ping pong ball being forced down into a glass of water, pain rises, over-flowing the container, rushing over our fear, setting us free to feel our spirit calling us to awaken, to gather up our wounded heart and swim away from the place that would have us believe, ‘this is all there is’.
There is so much more.
To living. Loving. Being. Experiencing.
There is life. There is Love.
When I was embroiled in that relationship that was killing me, I believed the pain of my existence with him was all there was, all I was worth, all I deserved.
And then, the police walked in and set me free and I discovered, I was wrong. That pain-riddled existence was not all there was. There was a world of wonder, of joy, of beauty on the other side of my fear that ‘this is all there is’.
On that day in May, 2003, I could not have known what was about to unfold. All I knew was that I had told the Universe I could not take the pain of my existence any longer. And the Universe delivered. For months at the end of that relationship, I kept repeating, “I can’t take this anymore.” I kept telling myself I was at the end of my rope. I let my fingers slip along the rope, but I couldn’t let go. I was hanging on by a thread, I wanted to let go, but my fear of falling was greater than the pain of my existence.
Thomas Jefferson once said, “When you reach the end of your rope, tie a knot in it and hang on.”
Sometimes, all we have to hang on to is a thread. And that thread is all that holds us back from letting go.
In my mind, at the moment of holding onto that relationship, letting go meant ceasing to exist. It wasn’t that I thought of ‘death’ as an out. It was that I simply did not want to exist. To be.
I thought if I could just let go, ‘it’ would all be over. The pain. The sorrow. The fear. The suffering. It would all be gone.
And then, I surrendered and let go and the Universe caught me and I fell, in Love.
And that was my awakening.
The Universe was always there, holding me up, supporting me, Loving me. It wasn’t the cause of my pain. Holding myself in that painful place was what was hurting me. The Universe wasn’t to blame for where I was at. ‘The bad man’ wasn’t to blame for where I was at even – though he was responsible for everything he was doing, I was responsible for what I did about it in my life. I was holding on to that relationship and that was the source of my pain. And I kept telling myself I couldn’t let go because I was too afraid to chance what would happen if I let go. It was a vicious circle. I wanted to believe in the disbelief of that relationship. I wanted to believe it was all true. it wasn’t. True. The relationship was a lie and in my holding onto it, I was living a lie because I could never make it true, no matter how hard I tried. It was all part of the Lie. The lie that I am not enough, never good enough, not worthy.
Because abuse hurts. And holding onto an abuser hurts.
Letting go of the pain and fear means letting go of everything that hurts me.
In surrendering, I awoke to the wonder of being enough. Just the way I am. In that very moment of awakening — Bruised and battered. Beaten down and abused — I was enough. For that moment, it was enough, that I continued to breathe. Silently. Quietly. In place. Breathe in. Breathe out. It was enough that I breathed as I began to awaken and expand into the Truth of my being. I am enough.
In being enough, it is enough that I live this one wild and precious life fearlessly in love with all I am and the world around me.
That is enough for me.