I can be fairly impatient with myself — especially when it comes to ‘knowing’.
My pattern is to assume I ‘should have known better’, or ‘should have known it in the first place’ and then, trip myself up by beating myself up for not — knowing what I tell myself I should have known better.
This is not a self-nurturing or supportive trait and is something I have been learning to breathe into so that it no longer causes distress within me and my world around me.
I was thinking about this not so supportive trait of mine as I get ready to coach this week at Choices starting Wednesday. Last month I was asked to do something I’d never done before — I carried out the task to the best of my ability, even in spite of the inner self-critic wanting to make a fuss over what it saw as major flaws in my delivery.
And… here’s the challenge. What if I’m asked to do it again? What if I’m not?
See the problem? The ‘what if I’m not’ issue is relatively easy to deal with. It’s not about me – it’s what works best in any given moment or circumstance that supports the training, the trainees and the team. If I have issues with not being asked to do something I think I should be, my upset generally stems from that place within me that feels less than — or not good enough. It could even stem from that place of being afraid to ask for what I want! To move through that place of insecurity and fear and into my knowing of “I am enough” is simply — a breath away.
The bigger challenge for me, however, is in the place of ‘second time’. The second time I’m asked to do something, my ego wants to jump in and self-congratulate me and inflate it’s sense of importance and, my inner critic immediately makes a leap for that place of — well then you’d better be perfect. You’ve done it once you are not permitted to make a mistake this time, and you definitely don’t dare ask for guidance. You should know it by now! People will think less of you if you don’t know it all!
Okay folks, you read it here first — I don’t know it all!
Yup. It’s true. I don’t know it all. I do know a lot about what I’ve studied and learned and spent time experiencing and researching and feeling and doing.
And I don’t know it all.
Which means, I am a work in progress. I don’t have to do anything perfectly. I just have to do it to the best of my ability in any given moment. In that place of acceptance, I can give my inner critic a break. I can let my inner critic breathe out — and thus leave room for me to breathe into the truth that is always present — Doing it perfectly is not the objective. Turning up, being present, and then doing whatever I’m doing with all my heart, to the best of my ability is what it’s all about.
Let’s face it. It’s taken me years, and years, and maybe even a few more years, to get to this place where I acknowledge — I don’t have to know it all. I don’t have to have all the answers, and I definitely don’t have to do it all perfectly — all I have to do is Turn Up. Pay Attention. Speak my truth and stay unattached to the outcome.
And in that place know with all my heart the truth of who I am in this world today — I am enough.
And in my ‘enoughness’, it is enough that I live as a wild and radiant woman, learning and expanding and transforming and evolving through each moment, shining a light for all to see that they are worth all the wonder and joy this big, bright, beautiful world has to offer. And that’s a lot!