I touched someone’s heart yesterday. Made a difference in their life they told me.
I felt blessed. Humbled. Honoured.
She was a participant in a group I was speaking to about living life large. When I speak to groups like this I use the story of having fallen in love with Prince Charming only to awaken 4 years 9 months later, broke, broken and lost.
How did you heal? She asked. What did you do specifically to let go of the past?
I made a choice, I told her and the other 8 women in the room all of whom are part of a program to support formerly street-engaged women leave high-risk life styles behind.
I chose to only do those things that were loving, caring and supportive of me. I asked myself every minute of every day — will this (whatever I was thinking, doing, experiencing) create more of what I want in my life, or less? Will it build discord or harmony? Anger or love?
And if my answer was tilted towards the negative, I made a choice to move the needle towards the positive. No matter how hard. No matter how daunting. I made a choice to move away from the darkness into the light.
I chose to forgive myself. To treat myself with tender loving care.
I chose to forgive others. Everyone. Including him. I chose to keep repeating, I forgive. And then, to not question my decision. to not challenge the act of forgiveness.
And I quit asking “Why?”
Why did he do it? Why did I let myself fall? Why did it happen? Why did I take so long to wake up?
Why is a crazy-making word when used in relation to an abusive relationship. Why kept me stuck in the merry-go-round of looking for sense in the nonsense. Their was no sense in spending my time looking for truth in all the lies. Sure, there were some, I’m sure, but why waste my precious breath looking for my truth in what he did?
My truth is in what I do, right now. Right here. My truth is in me. Not in anyone else.
My job was to uncover my truth. To find myself beneath the pain and sorrow and trauma and horror of the past so that I could shine, fearlessly, brilliantly and oh so alively, right now. Right here. Just the way I am because I am, enough, just the way I am.
And when thoughts of him entered my mind, when thoughts of what he’d done or wonderings of what he was doing now interfered with my life, I held up a STOP sign in my mind and heeded its directions.
I stopped my thinking of him, dead in its tracks and shifted directions to things that loved, cared for and supported me.
I deserved my loving attention. Not him.
Was it hard? she asked.
Of course. But it was my choice. To heal. Or not. And letting myself focus on him. Keeping myself held in the arms of sorrow and despair denied me the right to shine. It deprived me of the gifts of forgiveness, gratitude and Love.
And I deserved those gifts. I truly did.
But didn’t you think you didn’t?
Of course, I told the group. But that didn’t matter. That was just my stinkin’ thinkin’ trying to keep me from tripping up on the far side of my fear. My ego wanted to keep me safe and the only way it knew how was to hold me back from flying free.
My heart knew. I deserved to fly.
I chose to listen to my heart. I chose to spread my wings and fly free of my fear of the past, my disbelief in my worthiness, my need to play it small and stay quiet.
I chose to stand up.
and stay standing.
I chose to let go
and stand free.
I chose to forgive
and stand in Love.
They were the only choices I could make to have what I wanted most in my life — freedom from abuse. Freedom to live with love, joy and laughter in my life today.
And in that freedom I got what I deserved. Forgiveness. Gratitude and Love.
I got my relationship with myself.
I got my relationship with my daughters.
I got, my life.
and I love my life today.
What could be better than that? What could have a greater impact on my life and the world around me than to be 100% in Love with my life today?
I spoke up yesterday to give back. and in the giving I received so much more than I gave. I received the joy of living on purpose, of touching someone’s heart and knowing, we are connected not through pain, but through courage, determination and Love. We are connected through our hearts touching.
I am grateful. I am blessed.