There is no place called “Grown-Up”. There is no destination, no road that leads you there.
‘All grown-up’ is just an idea, a thought, an illusion.
We are who we are, where we are, whatever our age. Wondering what I’ll be, or how I’ll do when I’m all grown-up, is like trying to remember a dream. It keeps slipping away into the light of reality, ever present in the moment right now, just not clear enough to hold onto.
Trying to hold onto the thought of what happened in my sleep, or how I’ll be at some future date holds me back from living with intention in the moment right now. Like trying to remember a dream, I focus my thoughts on imagining some mystical time when self-doubt, or confusion, or lack of clarity or whatever is holding me back from living my dreams now, does not exist. And in the process of imagining what I want someday, I lose sight of the infinite beauty and miracle of this moment right now where I have everything I am, everything I need, to be me.
Don’t wait for some day to find you. Choose your some day now.
Years ago, when I had started an art program at the homeless shelter where I used to work, there was a lovely man who sat every day in the big open area with all the other clients and painted. He ignored the noise, the chaos, the fights, the yelling and simply did his thing. Everyday I’d ask him if he wanted to come up to the studio space and paint with us. “It’s quiet and beautiful and really welcoming,” I’d tell him. And every day for weeks of my asking, he’d demur. “It’s not a good time,” he’d say and I would leave and come back the next day and ask again.
One day, after another of my entreaties, he said, “One day, soon.”
“Do you have a date set?” I asked.
“No,” he replied.
“Then why not choose today?”
He came up to the studio that day. Many years later, he continues to create everyday. He continues to stretch his creative muscles, explore his inner core and express himself in unique and beautiful ways. He is still homeless but the state of his living condition doesn’t stop him from being his creative expression with every breath.
He is an inspiration to me. He doesn’t wait for the right time, or the stars to align to express his creativity. He chooses to express it now, where ever he is at.
Being all grown up, at peace, happy, letting go fo anger, regret, unforgiveness, isn’t about someday. It’s all about the choice of embracing what I want now. It may not feel comfortable. It may not feel natural. But choosing it and choosing to express myself through what I want more of in my life, creates a different state of being, and in a different state of being, miracles happen right now.
I woke up this morning feeling edgy, like the wrong side of the bed had rolled over onto me and tossed me out into the day before I was ready to let go of sleep. In my slightly agitated state, I wanted to find peace, but peace was having a hard time finding me. I chose to meditate, to move into the calmness at the core of my being present. In my choice to be with peace, peace awoke and I found myself at one with peace.
It was a good reminder. Don’t wait to be at peace. Be at peace now.
It’s not the job of peace to find me. It’s my responsibility to choose to be the all that I can be in this moment now. When I let go of waiting for someday to arrive I find myself awakening to miracles all around.
I wanted to be peaceful. I chose to be at peace. Whatever you’re seeking, don’t wait for it to find you. Choose to be with it, of it, in it, now.