You know those weeks that seem long, even before you get to the halfway mark?
For some reason, this is one of those weeks.
Could be because I have a lot on my plate, several ‘crisis’ situations I’m dealing with at work as well as a few days away next week that are pushing me faster towards that place where I want to ‘get it all done’ before I even get to it.
Or, it could simply be I’m out of esteem, off kilter, not breathing deeply enough.
And then I remember.
Oops. I didn’t begin my morning with meditation yesterday nor Monday.
No wonder I’m feeling the pressure of time and circumstances.
Time to breathe deeply and begin again.
Always begin again.
I know what keeps me in balance, at peace, calm.
And sometimes, I forget, I sleep in or choose to not get up early enough to give myself the time. I tell myself I don’t need to do it today and suddenly, I’m feeling out of sync, mis-stepping my way through my day hurrying to catch up to where I want to get to without consciously thinking of the way I’m stepping. My attention focused on getting somewhere, anywhere, I forget, it’s not the destination that makes the journey, it’s each step that creates the path. It’s my mindfulness that embues each moment with grace.
Begin again. Always begin again.
And the key to beginning again… Accept I didn’t do, or did something I didn’t want to do, and stop judging myself for not doing whatever I did or didn’t do.
I think sometimes that is the hardest part of beginning again. To stop judging myself. To stop chastising my inaction, or mis-action, and lovingly accept my human imperfections with grace.
It’s seductive. The judging myself. The beating myself up and flailing myself with the whip of self-denigration.
Because in its seductive call to keep hoisting myself on my own petard, I get to play the victim. I get to be the one I most regret being. It allows me to stay stuck in that place where I tell myself, I can’t change, I never do anything right, I don’t deserve ‘the good’, I’m a loser, Why bother? And that’s where the seduction comes in. Beating myself up for my mistakes allows me to wallow in the victim’s place of telling myselfI am incapable of change.
I am eminently capable of change.
It’s just sometimes, I don’t like it. Or, I want to convince myself it’s too much work, takes too much energy, or requires too much attention — and who wants to always be responsible anyway? Who wants to continually have to turn up for themselves and stand true to their higher good and not play down to their lesser desires?
I mean really, why can’t I have my cake and eat it too?
It is my responsibility to “turn up, pay attention, speak my truth and stay unattached to the outcome.”
Sounds simple, yet often, the challenge begins with the turning up.
Why do I need to turn up? Why can’t I just give into being the brat? Being difficult? Being angry, confrontational, petulant, the problem? Why can’t I just be the bitch and to hell with everyone else?
Because, to live the life I dream of, the life I deserve, and to live passionately in the rapture of now, I need to let go of the things I know don’t work for me today.
I have to stop giving into my lesser desires and surrender to my higher good calling me to let go of limiting beliefs and behaviours so that I can shine for all I’m worth. And when I shine for all I’m worth, I create a world of wonder and awe all around me. In that place, I know contentment, calmness, serenity, peace of mind. In that place, I am aligned, authentic and real.
I awoke early this morning and told myself it was ‘a long week’. I didn’t feel excited to face my day, I felt tired.
It was just a thought. It’s all in my head. It’s all in my attitude. It’s my choice how I begin my day. Am I willing to begin it with grace and ease, or do I want to drag my heels into the morning?
What do I want more of in my life? (and in my journey through each moment?)
Passion. Serenity. Peace of mind. Beauty. Wonder. Awe.
What am I willing to do to create the more I desire?
Do the things I know feed my passion, my desire to live up to my higher good, my capacity to be the light I am that illuminates each step of my path through the darkness.
Which means… I must stop doing the things I know bring me down. Like skipping my morning meditation and beating myself up for my human condition and telling myself things that don’t love and support me.
See! Wasn’t that easy?