Yesterday was a tough day.
It began with an issue that left my heart feeling raw as my CEO and I worked together with members of the team to navigate the turbulent waters of the media’s need to ‘get the story’ and our responsibility to address the needs of staff, board members, all our stakeholders and the public.
I wanted to cry, in sorrow and dismay and confusion. Why did this happen? Why is there no avoiding the devastation and brokenness left behind in the wake of what has been brought into the light?
At the end of the day, I spoke with my sister who had gone to the doctor with my mother that afternoon. Turns out, the ‘something pulled’ in my mother’s hip/knee was actually the hip joint coming out of the socket. Her pain had been real and excruciating and no one figured out why until two weeks later.
I wanted to cry, in frustration and dismay and confusion. Why didn’t they see it on the x-rays two weeks ago? Why did they have to leave her in such pain without doing anything?
My mother has to make a decision. Have the operation to repair it, an operation they are not sure she will survive. Or live with the pain. Challenge is, no matter what they do, the cause of her hip coming out of the socket will continue to be an issue. Her bones are soft and fragile. A replacement hip, or simply putting the hip back in its socket may still result in the bones shifting.
I wanted to cry some more. After her surgery in December, my mother stated she wanted to live to see one hundred. And she really meant it. I think she still does but her options are limited on how she will get there.
Not ready to give into tears, I went into the studio and created. Not one of my better pieces, but it satisfied my need to breathe through it all, to find my centre again so that I could remember, now is not forever.
And the tears still waited, lurking behind the shadows of my doing.
The universe delivers the time and space for what we need to do, even when we resist.
Just before bed, I decided to take the recycling out as today is garbage day. I wanted that last breath of fresh air, especially as the temperature has warmed up enough to go out without a coat.
I carried the big blue tub that sits by the back door out to the recycling bin, emptied it and on my way back through the backyard, caught my feet in the netting that holds the vines up against the garage wall. The man who clears our snow had inadvertently caught some of it with his shovel and it was lying on the ground. In the dark, I forgot it was there.
I went flying.
On my rear, in the wet, melting snow-soggy dirt beneath the crabapple tree.
I sat for a moment, stunned, not sure if I’d broken something.
And I started to cry.
In frustration. Anger. Sorrow. Sadness.
I let the tears flow.
For a moment.
And then, C.C. came out and helped me up.
And life moved on.
Sometimes, when faced with life’s inexplicable, all we can do is shed a tear or two for the chaos and angst.
And then, we get up and keep moving.
Tears do not resolve the issues. But they do give release to the pain we carry in our hearts.
And when our hearts are lightened of their load, it’s easier to keep moving forward, doing the things we know that create better in our world.
I feel better this morning (other than my knee which hurts like the dickens! 🙂 )
Time to leap into another day.