As delicate as an apology exhaled into the hope of being embraced in forgiveness, Autumn leaves fall, without regret, into the promise of memory's grace.
I took the photo this morning on my walk with Beaumont. As I sauntered further along the path through the grasses and into the trees, the line, “as delicate as a breath” wrote itself in my mind.
I wondered if I’d remember it by the time I got home.
As soon as I opened the photo, it flowed up and out of my body, through my fingertips, onto the keyboard and then the screen.
Without trying to hold on to them, or make sense of their meaning, or force them into order, I let more words follow.
And I smile. Because without even realizing it, ‘breath’ was transformed to ‘apology’.
The words (and the change of breath to apology) may seem random. Unconnected to this moment right now, but I know they’re not.
I often think there’s an equation for life’s journey. It’s not as simple as A (what we do) + B (what the world does) = C (the value of a life well-lived)
It’s more like,
[A + (Time/Events/Reactions/Unfinished business/Messy places/Wounds and Warts) + (Self-Awareness) + Self-Acceptance]
Temperment + Environment + Life Skills + Life Lessons + Life adaptations
the beauty experienced in all the moments adding up to a life well lived
Which is really just my very complicated way of saying, Life is messy. Humans are messier. Messes are inevitable. It’s our responsibility to clean up our own messes.
Which is why I had to apologize to my beloved last night for something I’d said that was not delivered with grace or kindness.
And here’s the messy part…
I’d really like to justify my actions with all sorts of caveats like, “But… you said/you did/you were…”
Fact is, regardless of what another person does, I am 100% accountable for my words and actions (thoughts too).
When I am out of line, it is not because of another person crossing the line. No matter how much I’d like to make them the problem, when I respond without integrity, I have crossed my own line of how to live my life. And making someone else’s stuff a reason for my bad behaviour is an excuse to not be accountable.
Ha. Says the critter. But you were in your rights…. You felt….. They did…
Yada. Yada. Yada.
And while all that may be true (the stories we tell on others are often a way to not have to tell the truth on ourselves) I am still and always… you guessed it… 100% responsible for how I respond.
No matter how heated the moment, or how hurt I am, or upset, or confused, or angry, or whatever else I may be feeling, I am 100% accountable for how I respond. And no matter how I’m feeling, I never have the right to be unkind or cruel or mean or dismissive of another or disrespectful or anything that would make another feel small or less than or dispirited or that we are not both fellow travellers worthy of respect and kindness on this messy journey of life.
I acted out of line last night.
This morning, nature beckoned me to fall with grace into the moment. Embraced in the beauty of my messy human nature, the sun shone bright, the trees whispered and the grasses swayed in harmony. And as I breathed into the delicate nature of the morning, I felt myself falling effortlessly into the beautiful messy of life flowing all around, lifted up by the beautiful grace of Love.
LG, I substantially agree with you on the 100% accountability thing – but I see it from a slightly different angle. The results might be the same, but I’ve found considerable comfort in the ‘alternate’ approach of Dr. Viktor Frankl ..
In his ‘Man’s Search For Meaning’, he uses this term which has become my mantra in these things, “I get to choose how I react to what is happening to me” … which is about both choices and accountability
Great piece .. nice to have you belly/brain combo taking over your writing again … I’ve missed it. While I realize the art-workshops are valuable to others, it’s when Louise digs into feelings and motivations that I pay attention most/best …
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Thank you Mark — yes. Choice is the deciding factor — Stephen Covey writes, “Between every action and reaction is a moment of choice.”
Choice is fundamental to being accountable.
Digging into the choice to find my joy and follow it wherever it leads often starts with…. you guessed it… studio time! 🙂
And I love your phrase, ‘the belly/brain combo’.
I really appreciate Mark’s comment above — and this post of yours, which spoke most magically indeed, as you found words to express, beyond your conscious ken whilst yet maintaining (a principle central to my own life’s work in the arts) pleasing coherency in direct perusal as well.
I’d like to add just a mention of the very real difference between fairly drawn, peacefully and consistently maintained boundaries and the behaviors you’ve described in this admirable post.
It’s a distinction I think needs to be made more often in the ascension community, and has been of late thrown very much into the insistent limelight of my own consciousness by present circumstance.
The latter are becoming actually unnatural to the evolving spirit, the former being, rather, entirely necessary to support that evolution.
For instance — I personally am, at this time in my life, absolutely correct on every level to deny casual friendly false public conversation as indication of submission to the man (using that term very loosely) who continues to attempt to terrorize me in my homeless encampments.
You’re a person with sufficient experience to grasp the situation, so here’s some information:
His name is Sean Powers, and if I suddenly stop posting without giving a reason first, he lives in McKinleyville, CA and would be the very first person to investigate.
Thanks for reading, bold and daring sister of mine. 🤗
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Oh Ana. I am so sorry to read you are living with this terror.
Sending you much love and protective light. Stay bold and daring and true and bright my friend. <3.
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Your love and light gratefully received here 🤗
I found this interesting and thought provoking and yeah I agree with you
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Thank you Joanne! ❤