COPD: Stealer of Breath and Peace of Mind

Posted on by

When my beloved was diagnosed with Chronic Obstructive Pulmonary Disease (COPD), I was initially clueless—about the disease itself, and more importantly, about the profound impact it would have on our shared existence.

Fast forward a few years, and the ripples of COPD are unmistakably felt in C.C.’s daily life. While the overt signs of COPD are clearly visible in the laboured steps and shortness of breaths, the repercussions on a caregiver, such as myself, are far more nuanced. These repercussions aren’t so much physical, but mental. They emerge subtly, like fog rolling in off the river, clouding my thoughts with layers of anxiety, trepidation, and dread. Left unchecked, I feel at times like an emotional mist is threatening to overwhelm me with resentment, sadness, and a mélange of feelings that blur my peace of mind and clarity of thought and action.

I confess, I’m struggling—struggling with the omnipresence of this disease and its ramifications on our lives. In my confusion and fear, I am reminded of my Auntie Maggie, who left us last year shortly after her 92nd birthday. When faced with life’s dilemmas she would often ponder, “What to do? What to do?”

The fact is, the paths to ‘What to do?’ are many, and I have investigated few of them. This digital age offers countless resources and communities extending support and guidance. Physical and virtual support groups, practical advice for managing COPD’s challenges—not just for the one gasping for breath but also for caregivers like me, who watch as the disease stealthily alters the one they love and the dynamics of their shared existence.

I think it’s the haunting specter of the ‘used to be’ that keeps me trapped in inertia. I’ve long recognized the burden of undigested worries and fears. Yet, mirroring the ostrich, I’ve buried my apprehensions, yearning for them to dissipate.

This tactic isn’t working for me anymore. Does it ever?.

We both need proactive measures to restore balance in our lives—measures that will usher in joy and harmony amidst the ambient tumult, both external and from within C.C.’s laboring lungs.

Reflecting upon the years, as COPD both subtly and overtly stripped away facets of C.C.’s identity—especially his image as an energetic athlete and man of action—I can’t help but wonder. Did he feel isolated in his silent battle? Did our single-minded concentration on the physical toll unwittingly reinforce his solitude, especially as we sidestepped the emotional cost the disease exacted on us?

Were we both embodying the proverbial ostrich?

But there’s hope, and there’s promise. For every question I’ve left unasked, for every emotion I’ve sidestepped, there’s an opportunity to bridge the gaps, to heal, and to grow stronger.

Starting today, I’m done being the ostrich and am donning my lionness’ robe to recommit myself: to open dialogue, to seeking understanding, and to rediscovering joy amidst adversity. Starting today, I am choosing to pull my head out of the sand, face reality, and actively seek ways to better navigate our shared journey.

Starting today, three things I can do are:

  • educate myself further
  • seek support when needed
  • initiate those challenging yet crucial conversations with my beloved.

The disease may be in his body, but we are one body in this union.

And on my path forward I will also remember to take care of myself. To continue to live my life fiercely, daring boldly to be loving, kind, compassionate and true to myself and our love.

The road ahead might be challenging, but I’m determined to walk it with clarity, purpose, and love.

Namaste

14 thoughts on “COPD: Stealer of Breath and Peace of Mind”

  1. I was extremely short of breath and constantly tired due to my Emphysema. I was advised to take Montair plus one tablet every night which would give me temporary relief and help my sleep. But I didn’t want to depend on tablet fully which only offers relief not cure. I slowly started Ayurveda, and was introduced to Natural Herbs Centre and their COPD Ayurveda Programme, my symptoms gradually diminished including my shortness of breath, wheezing and fatigue. Reach them at natural herbs centre com. I know I’ll get negative comments but I’m sharing this perhaps someone is also looking at genuine alternative treatment. I can vouch for this Ayurvedic treatments but you still need to decide what works best for you. Sending prayers

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply ↓

    • Thank you Katherine — I appreciate your taking the time to post, and the sentiment behind your desire to post. It is an insidious disease and exploring alternative methods is as important as working with the medical system.

      Much gratitude for your insights. I’ll check out the link. ❤

      Like

      Reply ↓

  3. Dear Louise.
    Been there, done that and learned the hard way. COPD is there, for good. Learning to live with it, treat it as that unwanted guest, whatever it takes, will simplify your lives. Your first step was taken by writing today’s blog. You shared your concerns in an “open book” format. Time to be a tad more assertive (are you listening C.C.) go to those appointments. Don’t be afraid to ask questions that will give you advice and guidance. We all know someone who did not allow the spouse “in”, outcomes may have been different.
    Folks, enjoy this wonderful weather that most of Canada has been blessed with this autumn. Me fears that it may be a harbinger of a harsher winter. The mild one was last year!

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply ↓

  4. This surprises me that you became an ostrich and didn’t address it directly. From your writings, I felt you would face the issues as they arise. Having written that sometimes we all take the easy way out and ignore what is hard. Trust me, I’ve done that. Good for you to step into the path and go forth with info, support, and directness. As an aside, my mom has had COPD for 30+ years, and she is 97 on Saturday.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply ↓

    • It surprised me too when I realized it Bernie! 🙂 And I do usually just deal with the issues so they don’t build into crises but I think in this case, it was so close to me but not of me, I didn’t even notice I wasn’t dealing. And thank you for the comment about your mother — wow! How wonderful! Happy 97th Birthday to her!

      Like

      Reply ↓

  5. Thanks for this disturbing, moving and inspirational message Louise. I am battling heart disease myself and I’m lucky to have a great team of people, my loving wife Joka, my amazing family, my cardiologist, the Cardiology Function Clinic replete with Nurse Practitioners and the Cardiac Rehab experts at Total Cardiology. All of these people have been hugely supportive and knowledgeable in helping me climb a high mountain. I salute you for working so hard to help CC in his mmassive struggle and I wish nothing but the best as you renew your quest to help your beloved in his great time of need.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply ↓

    • Thank you John — and I am sorry you are battling such an ugly disease but grateful you have such an amazing team to support you.

      Life is full of constant surprises and challenges. What was surprising for me was the realization, I wasn’t dealing with my own stuff as I focused on his physical challenges. ❤

      Like

      Reply ↓

  7. Elgie,

    During the last seven years of my mother’s life I learned quite a bit; those seven years on oxygen, which she lived at home except for the last four months, my dad was her caregiver – and she excluded him from her doctor’s appointments so there was probably more we could have done if we’ve been more aware. She had COPD and Emphysema. She got frail/unsteady, and afraid and found little calm in her life. I don’t know if that was the COPD or not, but the irrational thinking was beyond denial of her reality.

    My dad’s lungs recovered better (they both quit smoking in their late 40s) than hers even thought he’d smoked more than twice as much. In his last eight years he was in treatment with Dr. Greg Schnell at the Libin Clinic at the Rockyview. We met Greg when my dad was in hospital for a mild heart attack. We were impressed and immediately switched cardiologists and my dad became a dutiful patient, monitored by staff at the clinic, monthly visits and intense monitoring of his blood, his creatinin levels and we learned about the balancing act of COPD – it’s the trifecta of heart/lungs/kidneys which his compliance and Dr. Schnell’s team kept him alive and functioning well till his end at 91 1/2 …

    When we had the first in-depth visit to the clinic, I had an aside with Dr. Schnell to question what to expect because he told my dad to ‘get his affairs in order.’. I asked, realistically, how long he had. I was told 18 months to two years. He lived nearly eight years more.

    The causes of COPD are well known and there isn’t anything to be done about that, but my experiences with two patients I’ve known well tell me it’s ‘a great medical team + patient obedience’ … because the heart/lung/kidney relationship governs their health. My mother’s constant belief she was getting better, her denial, did nothing to extend her life. My dad’s lessons learned and trust in his team lengthened his.

    He died from sepsis – most likely caused by a badly installed catheter, so COPD had nothing to do with that.

    He had a good life, a long one, and many things limited his physical abilities in his later years (back surgeries, poor circulation in legs), and he did pretty well for being the 13th child in his family (his twin sister died at birth) and childhood polio.

    He often said, COPD isn’t killing me, life is killing me, and he had a good long run.

    Cheers,
    Mark

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply ↓

    • Like your mom, I have been mostly excluded from his appointments etc. And that needs to change if only so I too am informed and able to ask questions he might not think of!

      Reading your stories of your dad I was always impressed with his attitude and his verve. he sounded like a very wise and special man. I’m sure that’s where you get a lot of your wisdom from!

      Good for him for learning the lessons your mother taught him! ❤

      Thank you for your kind and supportive words.

      Like

      Reply ↓

Your comments create a beautiful circle of reciprocity. Please do comment.

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.