Caregiving and the Illusion of Control

Dark green cedars stand silent, sentinels against the heaviness of the rain laden sky over Nanaimo harbor. Today, the water is a mirror, promising a smooth voyage to Vancouver. From there, we fly to Calgary, back to the muted tones of early spring still sleeping beneath winter’s blanket. 

I want to pull the blankets over my head and pretend the purpose of our visit is purely fun. The times insist I wake up. 

Reluctantly I accept the reality of this trip. My husband has a swathe of  medical appointments and I am essential to his ease and comfort while travelling. Wife, advocate, Sherpa, and now, caregiver; my role is to ensure any barriers to travel are removed from his path. It’s a role I navigate with a mix of love and reluctance. 

This is a journey far removed from the life we imagined when we said “I do.” Ten years ago. Back then, he was a force of vitality: golf, hockey, hiking, and the boundless joy of the Rockies.

Five years later, COPD, an incurable disease that is slowly stealing his breath, and reshaping our lives, changed everything.

I wrestle with those changes every day.  Like two opposing tug-a-war teams, I am constantly losing ground to the disease’s demands I give up control. I desperately try to dictate the terms of our uncomfortable co-existence yet know, this disease is the true master. In the starkness of its immutability, I am becoming a living contradiction and predestining myself to a tumultuous journey. 

Today’s calm waters offer a stark contrast to the turbulent emotional landscape of caregiving. I resist surrendering to vulnerability, dig my heels in like the proverbial horse being dragged to water when it comes to letting go of the illusion of control. How do you truly inhabit this role when the path is uncertain? How do you find strength when faced with unanswerable questions? 

The waters remain calm. Enigmatic. I stand and gaze out at the sea’s glassy surface. I cannot see into its depths yet still, I search for a deeper understanding, a way to find peace amidst the shifting tides. 

Perhaps, the true strength of a caregiver lies not in control, but in the quiet acceptance of what is and the certitude that all is as it is meant to be.