In her Director’s Notes for the University of Calgary Drama Department’s production of The Love of the Nightingale, Alyssa Bradac writes that the use of violence to silence and control women in society over the centuries is unforgivable.
I disagree.
We must forgive if we are to stop it.
Now, before you leap on my words in protest, I don’t agree with violence. I am not saying what has happened is right. In fact, right and wrong cloud the truth of what is happening, right and wrong pushes the perpetrator into the darkness of shame, holding them in place through the very power and control they use to commit acts of violence.
If we carry the belief ‘it is unforgivable’, we limit our capacity to change it and stop it.
Forgiveness is not about excusing or accepting bad behaviour. It’s not about saying, ‘it’s okay that rape is used as a weapon of war’, that unspeakable acts are committed against women every day and there’s nothing we can do.
Like not being unforgivable, these acts of violence must not be relegated to ‘unspeakable’. They must be spoken about. Spoken of. Spoken aloud.
When we hold onto unforgiveness, or the belief that we can not speak of the horror of what happened, what happened holds onto us. It takes up residence in our minds and bodies, creating lasting wounds through the terror of our silence.
Silence is an act of violence when used to push down giving voice to what ails us. It becomes power and control in its ability to silence our speaking up about what has harmed us. It freezes us in the very acts that keep us from living free of the burdens of the past.
We must forgive what was to discover what can be when we break free.
Unforgiveness keeps us locked on the battlegrounds of ‘us and them’ . It keeps us separate, trapping one in shame and the other in the powerlessness of the victim state of being.
When the man who promised to love me ’til death do us part and then set about trying to put action to the death part was arrested, I knew, deep within my core, that to be free I had to forgive.
Forgiveness didn’t make what he did right, or acceptable, or justifiable. Forgiveness took the emotional charge out of what he had done and freed me to heal without carrying anger, pain, horror, revulsion. Forgiveness gave me the courage and strength to move into healing free of holding onto ‘what had happened’ to revel in the joy of my life free of ‘what had happened’.
Forgiveness set me free.
Whether it mattered to him or not, didn’t matter. What mattered to me was my choice to forgive. In that choice, I was freed of shame and blame. I was free.
I remember shortly after he was arrested wanting desperately for my daughters to forgive me for what I had done to hurt them. And yet, I told myself, I will never forgive myself for what I’d done to hurt them.
How could that be possible? To seek their forgiveness yet to hold myself in unforgiveness?
It wasn’t. To create space for their forgiveness, I needed to forgive myself. And in that act of choosing to forgive myself, I had to forgive my abuser to set myself free of the past. I had to soften my heart and become forgiving and forgiven. I had to believe I was worthy of forgiveness.
To stop abuse. To change the course of violence in our world, acts of violence cannot be unspeakable. They cannot be unforgivable. For in the ‘un’ state, they cast a long dark shadow that clouds our hearts and minds with memories of the very act we are attempting to let go of, to stop, to change.
Forgiveness is a powerful force.
In forgiveness, possibility of awakening to the essence of our humanity arises.
In forgiveness, our humanity awakens to the truth of our presence here on earth.
We are born to be brilliant. To shine. To create beauty, acts of grace, peace, love and joy.
We are born to Love one another as if of the same heart. For we are, of one heart — the heart of our humanity beating wildly in the rhythm of life.
Dare Boldly 
Love the Haiku Ian! We didn’t do our Haiku a week! I forgive me for forgetting. 🙂 And now, to make amends and… begin again to commit.
Grass sleeps in winter
Shadows lengthen toward the light
Spring waits forgotten.
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I recall speaking with a very wise person one time. Her comment was that it is a rare gift to be able to step INTO a conflict and work for resolution from there. If we think about it, might it be nearly impossible to resolve a conflict from outside of it? I also think that stepping into a conflict is about seeking to understand, which is an important, if not critical, component of forgiveness.
Seek to understand
So we can forgive and grow
Embrace harmony
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I loved this post Louise. It makes me think. I always say that I can’t forgive myself, but I am always unable to tell forgive myself what? I don’t know what. Forgiving is easy, and asking for forgiveness is easy too, but as long as we feel guilty, forgiveness is not valid.
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I remember a time Nikky when I thought I needed to name all the things I needed to forgive myself for — and then, I realized that forgiveness is a state of being — it doesn’t need the names of my trangressions. It needs my willingness to be open to forgiveness and forgiving. Perhaps, forgiveness is always valid — it’s just we need to be willing to fogive — and I just relized you posted your comment in November 2014 — and here I am commenting back now! My apologies — and I choose to forgive myself for missing your comment back then! 🙂 Thank you Ian for your comment today — you brought me to awareness of Nikky’s.
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Thank you Louise. I think I still struggle with understanding forgiveness. I can give an example: If someone tells me you don’t need to feel guilty you have been abused. you are innocent. It wasn’t your fault, you have to forgive yourself. I find that contradictory. I don’t get it. If I am innocent, why should I forgive myself? When I’m told forgive yourself, it’s like telling me, yes you are guilty, but it’s ok.
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Forgiveness is for ourselves.
“Not forgiving is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die. ”
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So true Elizabeth — and I love that quote!
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So Julie — how cool is this? You’re at your computer on the other side of the world, on the other side of the equator as I’m sitting at mine!
Are you working on your novel? You go!
Hugs!
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I agree but it must be almost impossible for those who have been so hurt – you got me thinking as usual!
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LOL Julie — thinking is good! 🙂 I also believe that if I believe something is ‘impossible’, that belief will limit my capacity to know — all things are possible. 🙂
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You are such an inspiration Louise – Love it and you!
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Agreed! Forgiveness frees us, unforgiveness imprisons us and often neither has an affect on the abuser.
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So true Diana, in so many instances, the abuser doesn’t even know he/she has been forgiven, or not. Often they’re awareness does not include knowing what they’ve done means the other person needs to do the difficult thing of forgiving them in order to heal. Yet, in our healing, we create room for them to heal. Hugs my friend.
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Hugs back to you!
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I agree we need to be able to speak of these horrible things if we don’t nothing can change, in order to forgive we need to bring the unforgivable and unspeakable out into the open and say loud and clear this is wrong it will not be tolerated
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I like how you put that Joanne. It’s true — When I tolerate the unacceptable, I create it.
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A beautiful post, as usual. Personally I struggle with forgiveness – sometimes I even wonder if I truly know what it means to forgive. There is one experience in particular that I do not feel ready to forgive those who abused me. I think that is because I have not yet been able to forgive myself for not seeing the situation for what it was. I feel that I should have know better. Thank you for sharing Louise…
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Hi Katie, I appreciate your honesty. have you asked yourself — what’s in it for me to hold myself in unforgiveness? And then quietly sat and let the answer ‘visit’? Sometimes, practicing self-forgiveness is a good start… We can not know better until we know better. And often, we are blinded by our belief ‘people wouldn’t do that’. And in our disbelief, we tell ourselves, “I can’t believe.” For me, with Conrad, I had to go to that place where I accepted it wasn’t a choice of believe it or not, it was a choice of accepting — it was true. He did do that. And then, to give myself the gift I needed most — forgiveness — without questioning why did I need to forgive myself. I moved into acceptance — and practicing the art of acceptance really helped. Hugs.
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Thanks, Louise. Wise as always. xo
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i leap on your words
to embrace them
and soak in the wisdom
that I wish the world would hear
….a million sparkling yeses
and gratitude that you worked through
your own forgiveness process
so that your voice is now so strong
and pure.
-Jennifer
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Ah Jennifer. You are good for my heart.
Thank you! When we all leap into forgiveness,
we create a loving and accepting world all around.
blessings my friend. You inspire me.
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Interesting that we both wrote on this topic today. The article that inspired my poem really moved me, because the Iraqi family involved was destroyed and offered forgiveness to the soldier whose actions have haunted him since 2003. The soldier, too, was devastated, as were the other men in his company. He took the step to seek out the two women who survived, finding them via FaceBook, and the latter found a way to open their hearts to him. I don’t think I’ll forget the story for a long time.
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It is interesting Maureen — and your poem is beautiful and the story it’s based on stunning — if others reading this can — do visit Maureen today and read her poem and link — you’ll be inspired. http://writingwithoutpaper.blogspot.ca/2012/10/the-enemy-has-no-uniform-poem.html
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