Alexis, my eldest daughter, wrote on her blog yesterday about her struggle to come to grips with her inner voice mocking her for the fact that to heal from an eating disorder and depression she needed to use antidepressants.
And in the world millions and millions of voices rise up and say, Thank you. Thank you for the courage to speak up, speak out, speak of this thing so many do not acknowledge — that sometimes, to survive a day we need help. It is in our willingness to reach out that we find the courage to learn how to shine.
As I wrote on Alexis blog, it is the courage to surrender and let go that gives us the strength to get back up and fall in love. It isn’t how we get there, it is that we get there that makes the difference.
Years ago, when I was in therapy recovering from a relationship that almost cost me my life, I asked my psychiatrist what it was that kept driving me to take these big experiential steps to get to where I wanted to be in life. “I like where I’m at,” I told him. “But did I need such a big experience to get here?”
He laughed and told me that there were 1,000 paths to where I wanted to be. This was just the one I happened to take. It’s judging the path that was the problem. Not the route I’d taken.
That made sense to me. Especially because I was an expert self-judgment hurler. No matter the judgment others might throw at me, I always knew I could out-do them. I was my own worst enemy.
I had to give it up. Give up judging my path. It wasn’t the path I’d taken to get to where I wanted to be that made the difference, it was my acceptance of every part of my path that changed my direction and turned me around to face myself in Love. Because, in my acceptance of all of me, however I judged myself — good, bad or indifferent — I was making choices to love myself, or not.
And so, I chose to accept who I am and to let go of my judgements about how I got to be where I was at, or where I am. Here I am is what matters. Do I like where I’m at? Am I feeling grounded, centered, free? What choices am I making to love me as I am, where I am? Do my choices celebrate me and the world around me? Do they send out ripples of harmony and love, or discord and unrest?
I have spent much of my life fearing the beauty within me. Today, I know the truth. No matter the path I took to get here, I am magnificent. So are you. We all are — because that is our birthright. Magnificence. That is the gift of life we are given when we come into this world to celebrate every step of our journey.
In my journey, I have learned to dance with the sun and the moon. To dance at the edge of the waters of life ebbing and flowing upon the tides. I have learned to dance in the rain and under the blanket of night. For in my dance there are a thousand steps, and everyone of them is a dance of Love. In love, I have learned to express all of me — the joy and sadness, the laughter and tears, the love and sorrow I feel ebbing and flowing with every breath I take. for no matter how I dance, I am and always will be magnificent.
And I am grateful. In my daughter’s dance with darkness, she has found the light of Love shining ever brightly. And in her courage to reveal her path into the light, she shines magnificently for all to see their way through the darkness. How beautiful she is in her dance of life as she calls out to each of us….
Come, let’s dance!
Dare Boldly 
I haven’t been around to the SheWrites blogs in a while but I am so glad I happened on yours today. Your writing (and also your pretty portrait) exudes joy, self acceptance, and the excitement of being alive and on the exciting journey we are all on. I admire you and your daughter and all writers who are brave enough and willing to share with others their inner struggles. You make us all feel a little less alone.
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Liz — loving someone with an ED is not an easy path and yet, the path has much beauty. I’m so very glad your wife is reaching out and that Alexis words have brought you some comfort. Hugs.
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Beautiful post… from both you & your daughter! Thank you for sharing! My wife has just accepted meds as a necessary part of her treatment, and I can already see how it helps her balance things out a little bit so she will be able to focus on the deeper therapy and help she needs to begin her journey out of this disease. Your daughter’s words are almost exactly the words I have heard from my wife. Thank you so much! xo
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That rotten voice inside us lives in all of us and learning how to tell it to shut up and not pay any attention to it is the hard thing to do…………it has taken me a long time to learn to not listen to my rotten voice that says negative things about me……..
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So glad you’ve learned this Joanne — when I read your blog I always come away smiling and feeling refreshed. Your magnificence shows!
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Self-love…..the hardest of all.
thanks for the pep talk
much needed today
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And thank you Elizabeth for sharing your light here. I think sometimes, we need to see ourselves through another’s words to hear our spirit calling us to dance..
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Oh, awesome, Louise! I really identify with this. I’ve looked back so many times and felt angry, judgemental, and cynical about the path that has gotten me where I am, despite that I love where I am. Did all those crappy parts really need to happen to get me here? A difficult question. We don’t have to love the path, but we do have to make peace with it.
I am reminded of a great quote: “What lies behind us and what lies ahead of us are tiny matters compared to what lives within us.” -Henry David Thoreau
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And eventually katie…. we find the path that is less torturous….. 🙂 Looking back and judging only leaves us feeling lost and frightened. So glad you’re learning to turn around and love yourself here! YOu are beautiful and awesome and magnificent right here, right now! Hugs
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Oh Louise this is just lovely and I hear my own story in it.
Thank you 🙂
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Thank you Joelle — when our stories connect heart to heart, we create a world of healing.
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Ahh I love this. What does it truly matter how I got where I am as long as I love myself now. Very thought provoking.
xo
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Oh goodie Diana — glad it’s giving you food for thought 🙂 I know your thoughts turn to beauty every time!
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Amazing how ready we are to accept that sh*tty little voice inside us telling us we are not XX enough. (Strong enough, brave enough, smart enough, take your pick.)
Rather than THIS one: “no matter how I dance, I am and always will be magnificent.”
Magnificent. Sharing, and going to check out your daughter’s blog.
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Ah yes, Bev — that sh*tty little voice. LOL — let’s all dance and pretend we’re stomping grapes! Maybe that voice will turn into delicious wine 🙂
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For some reason… I felt this so comforting:
>>> there were 1,000 paths to where I wanted to be. This was just the one I happened to take. It’s judging the path that was the problem. Not the route I’d taken.<<<<
Thank you for sharing your blog! I need to go look up your daughter. Mine posted the other days as well and I just read it on my phone but there is something about sitting down at a full screen that helps us see it all more clearly. That is why I like this time of day when I have a minute to give posts like this better attention! I can read em all day long on my phone as they come thru but I like to read my handful of favs like yours just like this… as the sun rises… the perfect message to start my day!
xoxo
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I remember when I heard him say it and felt it resonate within me that it felt comforting too Diane. And in its comfort, I find myself free to breathe. So glad it resonated with you too! Have a beautiful day.
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