Last fall, when I created my art studio in our basement, I made a commitment to write in my art journal about what I learned and experienced with every session in the studio.
So, to get the confessions out-of-the-way first — I haven’t been consistent with writing everyday in my art journal. In fact, you could say I’ve failed miserably in my goal to write every time because since beginning in the studio on September 23rd, I’ve written 10 times in my art journal.
There is value in when I did, and didn’t, write. When I did write, I captured my feelings, thinkings, ideas, impressions. As I read back through what I wrote, there are ideas worth exploring, deepening, expanding upon. When I didn’t write, I find a great reminder about how easy it is to get ‘out of the moment’. Sitting down to write brings me into ‘the now’. Not writing lets me off the hook of my accountability.
There is value in all things and sometimes, the greater lesson is learned when I don’t do the things I’ve committed to do. In my not doing, I see where I trip myself up, keep myself playing small, or allow myself to be unaccountable for my journey. In the not doing, I have made a conscious decision to not be present. Which, given that this is my year of daring boldly, means I need to turn up, pay attention, speak (write) my truth and stay unattached to the outcome in all things I do. Getting conscious in all things is essential to my living life outside the lines.
In the past, when I have missed out on keeping my commitments with myself I have beat myself up, called myself down, let myself wallow in self-defeating mind-chatter that does not celebrate, nurture or support me.It doesn’t allow much room to grow and evolve and learn and create freely either!
The outcome of my not doing was always the same — I didn’t do. I felt badly about myself. I quit.
To not be attached to the outcome of my doing, and not doing, means to let go of self-defeating games. It means I must release my habit of self-denigration and set myself free to accept what is, as it is. I must learn from what is present now, and begin again from this place to be true to myself in all things I do, all ways I am.
What is true is that since last fall, I have worked in the studio more days than I’ve written in my art journal. The ratio of ‘days in studio/writing’ is irrelevant. The number is simply a fact I use to deflect the truth — I did not keep my commitment with myself to write in my art journal after every session in the studio. Whether or not I had anything worth writing, whether or not I felt inspired to write, whether or not I felt like it, is not the issue. The commitment I’ve made is with myself. The teaching is about discipline, keeping my commitments with myself and accepting that the objective isn’t ‘good writing’, it’s writing. Period. On the path the way appears.
What is true today is that yesterday I worked in the studio and wrote in my art journal. I will work in the studio again today and I will write again today. That is my intention and my commitment. To begin again. To dare boldly to keep my word with myself and stay true to my desire to celebrate life on the wild side of being my creative expression releasing itself to create a world of wonder and awe all around me. A world in which I bravely live the truth of who I am, the Divine expression of amazing grace.
Dare I say it? To live bravely I must dare boldly to express myself with love, joy and integrity in all my creations.