One of the commitments I make with myself when coaching at Choices is to be present. To be in the moment and of it. And while it is a commitment I make with all of my life, I am more conscious of the imperative and beauty of living in that space when surrounded by hearts breaking open in love and joy and harmony.
And sometimes, I forget.
Sometimes, something I hear or see or feel will trigger my critter’s fear and I will find myself suddenly in tears, feeling confused, frightened or even separate from the rest of the group. I am always grateful when one of my fellow coaches catches me in the act of falling and reminds me that the critter’s words are not the truth about me; they are the lies I tell myself to keep myself feeling safe when being at large in the world is overwhelming me.
There was a moment when my critter leapt into the fray and I spun out of control. “Louise,” asked one of my fellow coaches as they saw the tears welling in my eyes, “what tape is firing?”
I was grateful for their voice. It broke my reverie with dancing with the false truths my critter whispers in an unending litany in its hopes to drown out the real truth of who I am.
“I feel helpless,” I told my friend.
“Go deeper,” they prompted me.
“I don’t know what to do and I should. that’s my job.”
“Deeper still,” they said.
I took a breath and spoke through my tears. “I’m a failure.”
“That’s a tape.” my friend replied. “Stop it.”
And I did. In that moment, I got present and made the choice to breathe deeply, open up to expansion and stop the tapes firing. I shut the door on my critter and opened my heart.
I cannot save the world. I cannot change anyone’s path. I can only stand on my path and shine my light. I can’t open anyone’s eyes to see it. I can’t open anyone’s ears or their heart. All I can do is be my true self, be authentic and real and honest and compassionate and most importantly, Loving.
I can give my best and my best is good enough.
It was a beautiful lesson in humility. A loving reminder of how powerless I am over anyone else, other than myself. And in that reminder I was also gifted with the opportunity to witness the power of Love to touch hearts, open minds and set spirits free. I was given the opportunity to witness someone, many someone’s, step through their fear and SHINE.
I am grateful.
The ego is a crafty devil. It likes to masquerade as many things — and one of the favourites of my ego’s critter is to act like it has all the answers. Like it has the power to break through walls, tear down fortresses and heal wounded hearts.
When I am acting out from my tapes, those repetitive messages my mind likes to fire at me to convince me I really am weak, stupid, not good enough, unwanted, unloveable, I am willfully holding onto untruths. I am making what other people are feeling, doing, saying, dealing with all about me. It’s not.
What is about me is how I respond. How I stand in my truth and stay present in the light of Love.
My critter acted out, as it likes to do, and tried to pull me off course. It wanted me to get down and dirty in the muck of its voice beating a fervent tattoo of lies that only I could hear.
I cratered for a moment. Broke my commitment to myself. Fortunately, a loving friend challenged me on my behaviour. A loving friend asked me to look in the mirror of the lies I was telling myself and speak the truth.
I am an alive and radiant woman.
In that place of truth, when I stand in the light and do not heed the seductive call of the darkness calling me under, I get to live my purpose to touch hearts, open minds and set spirits free. On purpose, I am the change I want to be in the world creating the more I want to have in my life — because in that place, I live my intention of creating an enlightened world of love, peace, harmony and joy.