Dare boldly

A blog by Louise Gallagher

The Victim’s Story

11 Comments

Later, after I have climbed down from my high horse, he will tell me that he didn’t like the ride either. But, while I’m on it, while I am riding high and feeling mighty, I convince myself he’s lovin’ it.

And it only makes me madder.

It had begun with a silly comment, an incident of not too big circumstances.

I decided to take umbrage. To pick up the gritty remains and devour the bitter after taste of disagreement. To make it mine. To make it all about me.

In the moment, it was not all about me. In fact, the critter was convinced it wasn’t all about me. “You can’t keep doing what you’ve always done, Louise and expect a different outcome,” he hissed. “It’s time he decided to change and you have to stand your ground so he will.”

He’d already convinced me that I was weak. Stupid to let it go. A patsy if I simply ‘rolled over’ once again and just took it.

“Fine!” I yelled at the critter who was leaping around like a banshee in front of me. “I’ll do it your way!” And the victim slid in, shoulders slumped, head slowly shaking side to side. “Good idea. Your way never works anyway and if you keep giving in, they’ll just keep walkin over you again and again.”

Talking it out is my game. But, when I’m emotionally charged, when I have donned the cloak of self-righteousness, my talking it out is more like the inquisition. Fires burning, hellfire awaiting if you don’t answer correctly — and the correct way is with the words I want to hear, not yours, btw!

Talking it out wasn’t working so, to prove my point, I slipped into silence.

Not the beautiful, graceful, silence of solitude and contemplation. I didn’t heed John Chryssavgis words to use my silence as “the pause that holds together … all the words, both spoken and unspoken.”  I didn’t allow silence to be “the glue that connects our attitudes and our actions.”

I let it become my weapon. My burden. My guilt.

I don’t do angry silence well. (Does anyone?)

In fact, in playing the silence game I can make myself sick. Physically. Emotionally. Spiritually. Because, when emotionally charged, what I’m really hearing is not reason, but rather the critter’s call to ‘teach ’em a lesson’ and not be the first to get accountable for my own actions.

The critter isn’t interested in my emotional well-being or ensuring I am living up to my higher good or for being accountable — it’s not my fault anyway, remember?

The critter only wants to protect. To stave off change so it can maintain status quo.

The critter likes discord. In discord, the critter doesn’t need to yell, he simply needs to hold his ground and let my victim story have its way with me.

We all have a victim story. That story that we repeat in times of distress that tells of all the wrongs, all the sorrows, all the woes we’ve experienced — and how they were not, “all my fault”, but rather someone else’s.

The victim likes to lay blame, as long as it doesn’t land at our own doorstep.

The victim likes to be right, as long as it’s about how everyone else has hurt us, lied to us, abused us, brought us down, been mean, stupid, blind…

The victim cares only about survival, and, as long as it doesn’t have to give up its protective veneer of innocence and being unjustly treated, the victim will do anything to appear like it is strong and knows the way out of the darkness. Problem is, in the darkness, the victim can’t see because its back is turned to the light of truth — there is only one way to peace and that is through Love.

I fell into the critter’s discord and awoke to the victim’s convincing litany of reason’s why it wasn’t my job to step out of it.

It had nothing to do with what someone else had said or done.

It had everything to do with my decision to hold onto what was causing me distress and not give into reason calling me to let it go.

Fortunately, I learned a valuable lesson through discord.

I learned that I do not serve myself, or anyone else, well when I play down to my lesser self urging me to DIVE! Take cover. Man the parapets and get ready to battle.

Battle never has to happen if I choose to lay down my guns and open my arms up to peace.

I don’t have to forge into the wilds of despair if I choose instead to do the right thing and take the loving path to peace, harmony and joy.

Namaste.

 

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Author: Louise Gallagher

I believe we each have the capacity to be the change we want to see in the world, to make a world of difference. I believe we are creative beings on the journey of our lifetimes. It's up to each of us to Live It Up and SHINE!

11 thoughts on “The Victim’s Story

  1. There is a difference in whether you are talking about something that happened in the past or something that is currently happening. For things that have happened in the past, then I agree that making the decision to let go of whatever is causing distress is up to me and no-one else and I should stop listening to those voices inside keeping me down in victim-hood. It is SO much harder for things or people in the present. I admire your strength of character in not only wanting to open your arms in peace and love and harmony; but also in acting that way and achieving it. Sometimes, (to me) that is simply not achievable with particular people – no matter how hard I try – and then comes the very hard and painful decision, of letting them go.

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    • Elizabeth, I’d like to add a recent insight of mine here. The past may be in the past … but the unhealed wound can be very much alive in the present moment. When it shows itself its time to give it room and allow it to be, rather than dismissing it back into the attic where we think it belongs…. That’s the only way we will become free of the cycle of pain.
      hugs
      Val

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      • Thanks Val. What I was actually referring to was an event as opposed to a person, and what to do if the event is in the past but the person is still very much in the present. When the memories of the trauma of the event raises its head, one can deal with it by either dismissing it or letting it be. When the person surfaces, it is more difficult. Working through the techniques from Louise, inspiring and admirable though they be, I have found just simply do not work for some people and the action of trying does set me up for further trauma and being dragged down to the pits of victim-hood (again and again). So I have decided that it will not be possible to deal with the event by either letting it ‘go’ or ‘be’ until I let that person ‘go’. The harder approach of letting that person ‘be’ and still be in my life is not only not good for me, it is destructive for me (and other people).
        Thanks for commenting. I really appreciate it.

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      • Hello Val and Elizabeth — so… first off, I thought I had replied to your comments!

        Elizabeth — there are people no longer in my life because I know that having them actively in my life is not healthy for me. Has nothing to do with judgement of them and everything to do with knowing that I trigger when around them and my number one priority is to create a safe and courageous environment for me to be authentic, real and completely me — on the odd occasion where I may run into them, I breathe deeply and quietly repeat to myself before anything I say or do…. I love you……

        Now, it may seem outrageous to even think to say, I love you, to someone who has hurt or harmed or abused me, but I know that for me to be authentic, I must come from a place of love — and love does not judge, is not conditional and it definitely doesn’t come from a place of fear — and it is my fear that I will react in ways that are not my higher good that hinders my being able to be in their presence without triggering.

        It isn’t easy — and sometimes, I truly do fail miserably, but my intention is to be of kind and loving heart, and when I fall, I begin again, always begin again.

        love and light to you both.

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  2. Inner struggles are the worst kind. So painful Louise. I feel your anguish.
    May you find a way to let this battle be over, and find compassion and love for the wounded child…. who had a critter as her companion so she could survive.
    (Tears and gentle holding for you)
    Val

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    • you are so right Val — it is my wounded child who fell into despair and climbed onto my adult’s high horse to get her out of there — as fast as she could, except…. I got stuck. 🙂 I begin again. to forgive. To live. To love. Blessings my friend. thank you for your love.

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  3. Hey Louise….I have a feeling that your critter, and my critter, must be twins separated at birth!!! Much love to you….I know how strong you are and every time you face the critter and learn another beautiful part of yourself I think the critter must shrink!!! At least that is my intent!!! ❤

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  4. Yes yes yes I so liked this

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