I have hit a wall. Come up against myself backing away from… the brink. the edge. the precipice of the known. It is here that I find myself hesitating at the lip of speaking up, speaking out against the things that disturb my peace of mind, the things that create unease within my heart.
They are not worldly matters, these things against which I rail. But they are matters of the world. They are mirrors of what is happening on a grander scale in far points of the world. And they matter, to me.
And what matters to me is important because if I do not take care of what matters to me, if I do not acknowledge what causes me distress, I become distressed. And then, my ripple becomes uneasy. It becomes more seas tossing in fitful bursts of acting out than my desire of ripples gracefully moving out into the limitless possibility of life sailing along on calm waters creating the change I want to be in the world.
This wall I have hit, it is not of bricks and mortar. It is of the mind. It is found in that state of being where I am silent in the face of unfair treatment or injustice.
And, it is found in those spaces where I have let go of doing the things I know that center me, balance my energies and bring me calm. I have let go of my inner balance and allowed myself to slip into the ennui of telling myself, what difference does it make? Why does it matter if I don’t meditate this morning or don’t journal tonight? What difference does it make if I just let it go and be ‘normal’? Why can’t I just settle?
Don’t get me wrong. It is not one thing that has caused my ennui, it is many.
And here’s the thing. It is not the external factors that are contributing to my unease. It is my internal resistance to doing the things I know bring me peace of mind. It is my internal ‘brat’ acting out in ‘why bother’ land that is causing me unease.
The world is what the world is. And we are all the world.
In my world, what matters most for me, and to me, is that within me, within my internal world, I am turning up without giving into tuning out.
And I have been tuning out. I have been willfully disregarding the voice of reason, the voice that would have me believe I am capable of creating peace in my world. In my tuned out state I have been making room for the voice of doubt. The voice that would have me believe that doing nothing is more powerful than staying balanced, present and conscious.
Sometimes, I need to give way to believing there’s nothing I can do to find myself awakening again to the truth. Everything I do matters. Even in the not doing I am making a choice to either create more, or less of what I want in the world.
In my remembering of the power of my choices, I am reminded once again of the power I possess to make love, not war. To create harmony not discord. And it is in the taking action FOR my choices that I create the ripple I desire in the world.
I have been giving into my disordered thinking, my out of balance perspective that I am but a drop of water in the ocean.
As Mother Teresa once said, We ourselves feel that what we are doing is just a drop in the ocean. But the ocean would be less because of that missing drop.
Thing is, when we are on this earth, we are all drops of water in the ocean. When I am letting my drop be one of discord, or inertia, or ennui, I am not missing from the ocean, I am creating a ripple of unease that can become a wave of discord in a world of disharmony all around me.
This morning, I let go of resistance and begin again.
Always begin again.