When I was a little girl I wanted to be like the sunshine. To shine and radiate and make everyone all around me feel warm and bright.
And then, I grew up.
In my growing up years I listened to what others had to say about me. The good and the bad, (mostly the bad) and I told myself not to be so silly. Egotistical. Ridiculous.
How could I be like the sunshine? I couldn’t even shine bright enough to see the light in my own heart, how was I going to shine so others could see into theirs?
We become what we tell ourselves. Our lives are a reflection of our inner-most thinking.
I lost my light and carried on with living.
When I met the man who wanted me to die for his love, I was just healing from the first relationship I had had since my daughters’ father and I had split up. Knowing I needed to give myself time to breathe after the break-up of my marriage, I didn’t date for a couple of years. And then, I met Sam (not his real name) and fell deeply, passionately in love.
He was perfect.
Except, he was also bi-polar, older than me, very religious and a recovering drug addict. Oh, and did I mention somewhat OCD?
I am creative, impetuous, spiritual but not a follower of one religion. I can be very scattered/cluttered in my own environment and, at the time, I was the mother of two not yet teenage daughters. His were in their 20s and living their own lives.
It was not a relationship built on similar goals and dreams and desires and ways of living.
Sam loved me as I was. He also wanted me to change to fit into his lifestyle. And truthfully, I wanted him to change too.
We struggled to make it work for 2 years until I could no longer deny we were not a match made in heaven, but we sure could make life hell for one another if we stayed together any longer.
I broke off the relationship and a few months later met the man who would promise to love me ’til death do us part, and then got really busy making the death part come true.
I was not ready for love, I told him.
If it is real now, it will be real in six months, a year, let’s take our time, I said.
I don’t have time, he told me. I am dying of a rare heart disease and will be dead by Christmas if I don’t get a transplant.
And I believed him and I kept falling. Hard.
I thought I was falling in love. I thought I was on the road to happily ever after.
I was lost.
Until that morning of May 21, 2003 when a miracle drove up in a blue and white police car and I was given the gift of my life; a gift I had to choose to honour, cherish, celebrate and love every single day if I was to heal and grow and reconnect with my daughters and help them heal from the pain and agony and turmoil I’d precipitated in their lives through that relationship.
I am blessed.
I have found myself on the other side of that darkness. Found my light shining brightly within.
I have learned the power and strength and endurance of my human spirit.
I have stepped off the edge of my disbelief that love is not true and discovered I have wings to fly free of darkness into the light of knowing, Love is all around. Love is always the answer.
This May 21st will be 12 years since that morning in May when I stood by a river and prayed for release, to end it all, to stop the pain and horror of my life. On that morning in May when I was given the miracle of my life, I had no idea how beautiful, wondrous, amazing life could be. I had no vision of the future.
Today, I do.
My dream has come true.
Today, I know that when I shine a light on the love that flows continuously within and through and all around me, I create a world of loving kindness all around me. I become the mirror of my thoughts and actions.
Today, I know that I am a wondrous woman of worth, a beautiful human being of light and love. Just like you. Because, I am you, you are me and when we shine, we shine so bright all the world can see our magnificence reflected in their eyes!