We are all human scientists, continually searching for evidence the lies we tell ourselves about ourselves are true.
Last week, an incident occurred that fired a deep-seated lie within me. The details of the incident are not all that important. What is important for me, is my response to what happened.
“See Louise,” the critter voice hissed. “You don’t belong. Nobody wants you. I told you not to trust them. I told you if you let down your guard you’d get hurt. Ha? See. You should’ve known better.”
I knew that my fear I did not belong or was not wanted was not real, but for a moment, it didn’t matter. These are toehold beliefs. I felt the old familiar ache in my heart. The tears gathering at the back of my eyes. The constriction of my throat.
For a moment, I couldn’t speak.
I swallowed hard and gave my automatic response in times of fear. I smiled and sat there and didn’t say a word.
The critter was on full alert, screaming at me to Dive! Take cover. And above all, “Don’t trust yourself to stay in this place. Don’t trust anyone or anything around you!”
The critter doesn’t believe he’s telling me lies. He sees his job as keeping me safe. Without a thought to the longterm consequences, or to the reality of where I’m at, he compares past events with current and determines the best and quickest route to safety. And then, he madly goes about trying to convince me to heed his advice.
The critter does not see into the future. He can only look back and back there, behind me, is a mess of times when I felt unprotected, unaware, unconscious of my own power.
This time, when the critter went into high gear, I slowed down.
I breathed and breathed again.
And here’s the deal.
This all happened in the passing of a few moments. It had little to do with the circumstances I encountered that triggered the critter’s cries to dive and take cover.
It had everything to do with my old path of believing the lies I tell myself when I feel unwanted, insecure, invisible or just simply take what someone else is doing as a measure of my worth.
When I spoke with the individual whose words/actions triggered my unease, they asked me a very important question.
“What’s it going to take for you to know you are loved here Louise?”
“I don’t know,” I replied.
And then, I got to thinking about their question.
What’s it going to take?
It’s going to take me making the decision that I am and then, acting as if I believe it’s true – no matter what.
See, that’s the thing about being a scientist. We get to prove what we believe, true or false.
I believe Love is always present.
Yet, in times of stress, my disbelief in Love overwhelms my belief and I become fixated on proving “I am not safe” true.
Most of us do that with our emotions. We find one that works, that seemingly keeps us safe, and then, we bring it out, again and again in similar situations hoping it works, again and again and again. We might have a set or series of different emotional responses to similar situations we incorporate into our being, but always we bring them out, again and again when faced with situations the critter determines are similar to past experiences. Unfortunately, when dealing with our hearts, we don’t tend to look for new ways to respond unless our health, relationships, life is compromised to a point, we have not other choice.
Change or be changed. Find a new path or stay stuck in the fear our deepest fear is true.
I am grateful. I was given the gift of seeing my deepest fear is just a reptilian response that does not serve me well.
Instead of giving into my fears, all I have to do in moments when my fear Love isn’t present is triggered, is to breathe and decide, I believe it is true — and then, spend my time proving myself right.