In response to my blog post Friday on forgiveness, a reader commented, “I will never let a man make me feel this way again. It was a game changer. I don’t think I’ll let a man get that close again.”
I like that kind of ‘never’.
I too will never allow myself to get so lost in a relationship I feel like nothing again. I will never allow myself to become so immersed in another, I lose all sense of direction, all knowing of who I am and what I’m worth and allow myself to be abused, controlled, erased.
It was a game changer.
For me, however, the game changer isn’t in never letting a man get that close again. It is in my awareness of who I am and understanding the value I bring to the relationship exactly as I am.
It’s in knowing, the strength of my vulnerability when I allow another close-in is not measured in how much of myself I give up. It’s found in how much of me I bring to the relationship without warping, shifting, and submerging my true self to be with another.
I am done with warping, shifting and submerging my true self.
Which is a good thing! I never felt all that comfortable trying to fit into someone else’s skin, no matter how hard I tried to make myself fit just right.
And here’s the thing about the ‘game changer’ part for me.
In the journey of learning to love myself exactly the way I am, beauty and the beast, I have discovered the true value of being me. Where once I believed I needed a man to feel completely me, I love and like me with, or without, a man in my life.
What I value in my intimate relationship is its capacity to feed my heart what it needs — connection.
The heart is a connector.
My heart is a connector. It not only keeps the blood flowing throughout my body, carrying vital oxygen and nutrients to every cell, it is continually teaching me how to be in this world by the connections it makes in relationship with others.
I am learning to think with my heart and feel with my mind.
I am learning to trust my heart and question my mind’s demands that I fear, avoid, and sometimes destroy relationships because of the past.
It has been an amazing journey.
To go from broken to pieces, to broken open, to feeling whole in this lifetime!
A broken heart is an open heart and an open heart is a loving heart.
I love my heart for its capacity to feel, to know, to teach and guide me in being connected to the world around me.
And I love my mind’s capacity to take all that information the heart feeds it, and sift through it and measure it and give me feedback on how I’m doing, and feeling, in Love.
When I listen to my heart and keep my mind free of fear, I am free to be me completely, no matter where I am or how close-in another gets.
We are all relational beings.
One of the questions I was asked in the aftermath of the relationship that almost killed me was, “How will you ever trust a man again.”
My response came from the depth of my heart’s knowing what is best for me. “It is not about trusting another. It’s about trusting myself enough to not give up all of me to another. It’s about knowing who I am is not based on who is in my life. Who I am is a reflection of how I am turning up for me in relationship with myself and others.”
Through relationship with my beloved I have been able to embrace being me. I have learned to trust myself in relationship without fearing losing myself all over again.
What a beautiful gift.
Thank you C.C. for being my teacher, my lover, my partner, my heart connector.
Thanks KW for your comment. I appreciate you and the inspiration you bring to my world.