How to love yourself first and still be in relationship with another

Once upon a time, I thought being in relationship meant I had to change who I am to fit who I was with.

I thought that loving another meant giving up all of me to serve love.

Life, and relationship has taught me otherwise.

One of the most important things I’ve learned along the way of being in relationship with another without losing myself first is to always, Love Myself First.

It’s a game changer.

For me, that means understanding and honouring who I am the value I bring to the relationship is found in being exactly as I am.

It’s in knowing, the strength of my vulnerability when I allow another close-in is not measured in how much of myself I give up. It’s found in how much of me I bring to the relationship without warping, shifting, and submerging my true self to be with another.

I am done with warping, shifting and submerging my true self.

Which is a good thing! I never felt all that comfortable trying to fit into someone else’s skin, no matter how hard I tried to make myself fit just right.

And here’s the thing about the ‘game changer’ part for me.

In the journey of learning to love myself first, exactly the way I am, beauty and the beast, I have discovered the true value of being me. Where once I believed I needed a man to complete me, today, I love and like me with, or without, a man in my life.

What I value most today is not my heart’s capacity to get all excited about being in relationship, it’s how relationship feeds my heart what it needs  — connection.

Think with your heart. Feel with your mind.

My heart is a connector. It not only keeps the blood flowing throughout my body, carrying vital oxygen and nutrients to every cell, it is continually teaching me how to be in this world by the connections it makes in relationship with others.

I am learning to think with my heart and feel with my mind.

I am learning to trust my heart and question my mind’s demands that I fear, avoid, and sometimes destroy relationships because of the past.

It has been an amazing journey.

To go from broken to pieces, to broken open, to feeling whole in this lifetime!

A broken heart is an open heart and an open heart is a loving heart.

I love my heart for its capacity to feel, to know, to teach and guide me in being connected to the world around me.

And I love my mind’s capacity to take all that information the heart feeds it, and sift through it and measure it and give me feedback on how I’m doing, and feeling, in Love.

When I listen to my heart and keep my mind free of fear, I am free to be me completely, no matter where I am or how close-in another gets.

We are all relational beings.

Once upon a time, I was in a relationship that almost killed me. That was many years ago now, but the lessons learned in having survived that painful journey continue to enrich my journey today. A question I was often asked in the aftermath of the relationship was, “How will you ever trust a man again.”

My response comes from the depth of my heart’s knowing what is best for me. “It is not about trusting another. It’s about trusting myself enough to not give up all of me to another. It’s about knowing who I am is not based on who is in my life. Who I am is a reflection of how I am turning up for me in relationship with myself and others.”

Through relationship with my beloved I continually learn to embrace being all of me. Every day I am given opportunities to expand my capacity to trust myself in relationship without fearing losing myself all over again.

What a beautiful gift.


15 thoughts on “How to love yourself first and still be in relationship with another

  1. Every single word you write helps me to be more me; your wisdom is a gift, Louise. Ming and I have been wrestling verbally with our different attitudes to Anthonys death – he is relieved whereas I am still so heartbroken. I am grateful to have you in my life x

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Pingback: How to love yourself first and still be in relationship with another – Timeless Wisdoms

  3. “To think with my heart, and feel with my mind.” – GOSH, I love that! Yes – all the yeses:)
    It’s been my journey, as well, to feel as if I could somehow be the chunk of something that would steady
    a table leg so that everyone at the table could feel the support and peaceable place of no wobble. Such a destructive fantasy.
    We were never meant to be the bit that kept a table of people from being unbalanced. Now I’m learning internal balance and
    it seems to be more positive for everyone around me. I needed this again so much, this reminder. THANK you, Louise:)
    You are pure gift:)

    Liked by 1 person

    • You have such an amazing way of putting the ineffable into a picture Jennifer — yes — being that chunk of something is what I’ve tried, and tired of. I must first be me so we can all sit at the same table bringing our individual and unique bests to every meal. ❤


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