I love making decisions.
Okay. Maybe not the making, but I love that feeling a decision made creates within my psyche. That place where I can give a deep sigh of relief and contentment. That place where I give into the feeling of letting go that washes over me as the anxiety I’ve been holding in as I’ve deliberated over what to do, what to do becomes, I know what I want, need and will do settles in. With my maserations over what to do or not to do completed, I breathe into the space between what was and what will be. Like a trapeze artist mid arc of letting go of one bar, I hang effortlessly suspended in the wide open field of possibility between the known and the unknown. The other bar approaches. I do not yet need to reach out. I am trusting in gravity. The process. Life.
All is well with my heart. All is well in my world.
With the entering stage left of the new Exec. Director for the family homeless shelter where I work, I had two options: to stay or to go. To stay meant stepping back into my former role. To leave meant to face the great unknown, and to wrestle my psyche into accepting, everyone and everything will be okay.
I’ve chosen the ‘everyone and everything will be okay’ exit strategy. I’ve set a date. Connected with the new ED to let her know and will be informing theorganization this week of my timeline.
I feel calm. Centered. Confident.
On Friday, a woman I admire and respect in the sector came to visit and sat with me as we mulled over my transition plan. “You don’t owe anyone anything,” she said. “You’ve done an amazing job. Achieved things there no one else has ever been able to do, even though they tried. You deserve to enjoy the summer, spend time with your grandson and family. Time enough in the fall to determine what’s next.”
She was right. My ego wants me to believe I can’t leave. The gaps in the leadership team the new ED is facing are significant. I need to stay and help out. It will make it better for her.
But what is best for me?
The night I received the phone call advising me of the Board’s decision, C.C. and I had a long chat about next steps. What do you want to do? he asked.
I want to paint and write and create a world of possibility. And more than anything, I want to let go of the anxiety that comes with feeling I owe it to others to ‘do the right thing’ in a way that makes it easier for them.
See, that’s my game. I create value for myself in ‘the world out there’ by taking care of what I think others need to achieve their goals.
Did I mention it’s a self-defeating game? It is. Because in feeling like they need me to get the job done, I abdicate on my self-responsibility to live my own dreams. I put other’s dreams first because I do not take mine seriously.
My dreams have worth. Meaning. Significance for me. In telling myself my dreams can wait, beause my value comes when I am of value to others, is simply not true.
We are all of value. All of worth. Whatever we are doing, our value does not come from what we do or what others think of us. It is not found in the depth of our bank account or the horsepower under the hood of our newest vehicle or the title on our desk. Our value is derived from the very nature of our humaness; our being present in this world. A world where we must all be dreamers if we are to create a world worth living for.
In this hurting world, we need all need to believe in our dreams for better. We need to all dream big. To create possibility for better in a world where kindness and generosity of spirit ignite our collective action to change the course of anger, fear, war and hate that abounds in the world around us.
I have always wanted to make a difference in the world. Accepting I do and have is one of my life-long lessons. Believing in my dreams is my responsibility. Working to achieve them my right.
I am an experiential learner. Life is an experiential journey. I am learning to believe in my dreams and am so grateful life keeps serving up such amazing lessons for me to embrace its lessons and dive into living my best life ever, every day living my dreams come true!