I know. I know. It’s January and Dear Santa letters are so last decade and all but… here’s the deal. You’re the Big Guy in Red in charge of the Polar Express and all that jazz so I’m writing to let you know there seems to have been a mix-up. You forgot to take the vortex back when you passed through just a few short weeks ago. Did you confuse the ‘express’ part of your journey with ‘vortex’? Because this Arctic chill seems to be a tad excessive.
I know. I know. Express. Vortex. They kind of sound the same. But believe me, they’re not!
I’m not sure if you think maybe we deserve a taste of what you live with 365 days of the year, but Santa, you’re magic. You can endure inhuman temperatures. We’re mere humans. This cold is rather inconsiderate of you.
Wait! You say you didn’t send it? Well, you’re in charge of the North Pole and the Polar Vortex comes from there so who else might have sent it?
What’s with them? Why would they want to inflict such nasty temps on a huge swathe of the land? What’s their problem?
Oh. They don’t have a problem, you say?
Well I think they do. ‘Cause Santa, you know there are a whole lot of little boys and girls counting on you come Christmas 2020 and a whole lot of adults who once believed and who keep the magic alive for you year after year.
So, Santa, listen up. Here’s the deal Santa.
Take it back. Make it stop. Make it go away.
‘Cause if you don’t, there may not be any cookies and milk for you and the reindeer come next December 25th.
Yup. That’s right. I’m threatening you with an extreme diet. Turnaround is fair game in extreme climes.
And believe me. This is rather extreme, even for the jolly old guy who sits up at the North Pole stirring the winds and sending them south!
Yeah. Yeah. You didn’t do it. The elves did.
But Santa. You’re the big boss. You need to take responsibility and get control of your elves.
You know, Beaumont the Sheepadoodle is rather displeased. His walks are mighty short and he’s blaming me. Dang it, Santa. Do you know what he’s like when he’s not happy with me? Yeah. Well. Remember the time Mrs. Claus caught you eating Christmas Cake in the back of the toy workshop and made you run laps around the benches? Yeah. That’s how displeased Beaumont is.
I can’t take much more of this Santa. The weather outside is frightful, the fire inside delightful and I’d rather be curled up into a ball and snuggled under the covers all day.
Unfortunately, Beaumont heeds the call of nature with predictable regularity. He seems impervious to the cold and insists running and chasing the ball is fun – Polar Vortex or not!
So Santa, here’s the deal. I promise, I mean really, really promise, to be a good girl all year! Now, a year’s a long-time Santa so can you please, please, please stop with the Vortexing and just focus on shining up your Express for Christmas 2020? And I promise, there’ll be cookies and milk on the hearth when you come down the chimney!
I know, I’m pushing the calendar but Santa Baby, it’s cold outside!
Hoping for a favourable forecast, yours in the nice kind of weather,
PS. For those in southern climes, here’s what the Polar Vortex means in Calgary today … -31C: -24F which with windchill feels like -38C: -36.4F (and yes that’s a negative sign in front of the numbers)