You don’t know until you do.

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He’s Home!

I am always amazed at how easy it is to not see the impact of ‘the stress’ I’m carrying on my body until after I’ve turned a corner and found a new perspective. From the luxury of looking back, I can see how much all that I was carrying, unbeknownst to myself, was weighing me down and clouding my vision!

It’s how I feel today.

C.C. came home from hospital yesterday and suddenly, I felt lighter, freer, more optimistic and…. less stressed.

I’m pretty sure if I’d taken a before and after photo of myself, my face would have told the whole story.

I look back on these past two years under Covid’s thrall and wonder how long will it take the world to let go of the fear and uncertainty of these times.

And do we actually know how challenging these times are on psyches?

For example, this week I made the difficult decision to postpone the art journalling workshops I was to have taught at Kensington Art Supplies this month and next. My beloved’s health, Omicron and the stress I was feeling just thinking about walking amidst a group of strangers for 3 hours not fully confident every one of them was ‘Covid-free’ was almost debilitating.

When I sent off my email to the store to say I had to postpone, I felt an immediate sense of relief. When I got an email back that was full of compassion and understanding, I felt even more relief.

I dislike feeling like I’m letting people down or that I’m not following through on my commitments. Yet, my mental health and my beloved’s health are my priority. I know it was the right decision — it doesn’t mean it was an easy one to make.

And maybe that’s the thing. No matter how much I know it’s the right thing, I don’t know how it will impact others — and that’s what I was worrying about.

And so, I smile, raise my arms and throw my arms up in the air and exclaim, “How fascinating!”

I was worried about what others would think.

An old habit.

One I didn’t know was still hanging around, messing with my peace of mind until I came face to face with my own hubris!

We don’t know, until we do.

And sometimes, we discover what we don’t know is actually what we’ve known all along. We are so very human and so very fascinating in all our human conditions.

Old habits die hard. Sometimes, they don’t actually die, they just go underground waiting until an opportune moment to test the foundational strength of our commitment to being true to ourselves.

I didn’t know some of the stress I was carrying had more to do with other people’s opinions of me until I chose to do the right thing and discovered it was an old acquaintance causing me my distress.

In that knowing, I am once again free to travel lightly and joyfully on this road of life.

I can also be confident that I will probably meet up with this acquaintance again (he has deep roots) and when I do, I will have another opportunity to grow through that encounter.

And truly, isn’t that the most fascinating thing ever?

Namaste.

And PS — having C.C. home lifts a whole boatload of stress off my shoulders! Who knew I could carry so much? 🙂

25 thoughts on “You don’t know until you do.”

  1. Fabulous news! So glad to know that C.C. is home, safe in the warmth and comfort of your love, and yes, Beaumont’s too.
    Please, do not feel any guilt or stress over your decision to postpone the art journaling courses.
    You are not letting anyone down. The workshop participants will understand. If anything, this “pandemonium” will have helped us to prioritize what is important. Namaste!

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  3. Growth into ever more love, acceptance, compassion for ourselves and others is what our journey seems to be all about. I feel deeply that life continues to throw lessons at us until we ‘get’ that. Happy for you Louise, as you release the stress and settle back in with Charles home now. Much love to you both, Seija

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  5. So happy that your hubby is safely home and that you have advocated for your own health and safety (and that of your husband,too). I’m sure that everyone in your class understands your decision (and wouldn’t be surprised if some were themselves relieved to have the encounter postponed). Can’t be too careful these days….❤️

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    • It is so true Lori — we can’t be too careful these days. Especially as here in Alberta the latest statistic I read said that 1 in 8 people have Omicron! which means, out of a class size of ten at least one would have it!

      And with my husband home, we’re not going far these days! 🙂 ❤

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  6. Smiiiles from my heart to you :)))) I am very happy for you and could feel the lightness in energy even as I began reading your post. Totally understand the difference of relief you describe. Yet all you shared before today too had such beauty and softness of gratitude.
    I too cancelled a 6 week group class that would have started this month end. I have struggled with such decisions before this time for the same reasons you mention. I am enjoying now how it came with much more ease, and it gave immediate relief. Growing through encounters of distress are my least favorite and most favorite, for how much I do grow 🙂 Thank you for sharing with such sincerity and beautiful descriptions of our humanness, always so affirming for me.

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    • I’m so grateful you shared your process/journey too Pragalbha — it can feel so hard and then… once the decision is made, so easy! We are, in the end, human and full of mystery and foibles and contradictions and so much more! Much love and gratitude my friend. ❤

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  8. I am so glad CC is home with you, and additionally glad you took care of you Louise. You get to be a priority too. Sometimes we forget. I appreciate your approach to acknowledging your “old acquaintance”. My care to you. ❤

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