Coming Back To The Page

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A Cosmic Event – acrylic on canvas – 40 x 46″

I can feel them. The critter’s claws scratching at the back of my mind, hissing at me to STOP! STOP what you’re doing and return to safety.

I sigh. I want to give into his sinister voice but know it’s not the Truth. Safety lives in doing the things that soothe me, nurture me, and create peace of mind and inner balance.

The critter has a different opinion.

“Those things you do that you think are good for you? They’re not! They expose you. Leave you vulnerable. Leave you open to being seen. And it’s best to hide. No one can hurt you that way.”

And I smile.

The critter and I are old… companions. I’ve walked with his sibilant hissing in my mind most of my life.

Most days, I use my tools to quieten, soothe, and reassure him that what I’m doing isn’t unsafe. It’s healthy.

And then, in moments of weakness, in those times when the road is rough and unsteady, he likes to find purchase in the silty muds of confusion and invade my calm thinking. It’s in those times I need to be most aware.

Alas, it is in those times I am sometimes my most unaware as I deal with whatever life has put in front of me.

Like life since my beloved’s first bout of pneumonia in January. It was followed by fractured ribs and most recently, another bout of pneumonia. Along with my daughter’s miscarriage, my dear friend Andrew passing, a war in Ukraine, more school shootings and a busy work-life…

Well, let’s just say I’ve been heeding the critter without even realizing I was heeding the critter.

Like this morning when I sat at my computer, opened it up and pulled up my blog. ‘Time to get back to my healthy routine of blogging every morning,’ I told myself.

“STOP!” hissed the critter, his superfine danger antennae fluttering and springing out of control. “You don’t want to do that! You don’t have the energy and you definitely don’t have the time. Why don’t you go back to bed?”

Ummm… well… I’m fully dressed. Latte steaming beside me. Rain drizzling down outside. River flowing fast. Beaumont the Sheepadoodle lying on the floor under my desk looking out the window. ‘It’s time I got back to my daily blogging. I miss it,’ I calmly reply.

“No you don’t!” hisses the critter some more. “It’s a habit you need to break.”

That one got me. A habit I need to break? Why?

Because it takes time and you’re tired and you need to sleep more and… The critter’s list of reasons drones on and on.

I breathe.

Deep.

I pause. Close my eyes. Let my body relax.

I hear you Critter. I see you. I know you think you’re telling me truth. I know you feel you need to protect me. I honour your presence. I also honour my need to be present every day to LIFE.

And writing here every morning is part of my life. Has been since 2007. It has strengthened me, supported me, and encouraged me to keep writing. Heck, it’s even improved my writing by writing every day. Writing every morning is good for my body, mind, spirit and heart. So, while I appreciate your concerns, I know in my heart what I need to do.

And so I do.

Put the critter back to bed and come back to the page.

Namaste

About the Painting

Something else I did this weekend was…. clean up my studio. It was a mess. Like. I mean. A mess.

About the only time I’d been in it for the past few months was to make name tags for dinner guests.

I didn’t clean up after each session.

It was depressing me.

This weekend. I took action.

And then, I moved a table outside and painted one sunny afternoon. It was… reviving.

16 thoughts on “Coming Back To The Page”

    • Thank you Lisa! He is healing. It is slow — I think the hardest part is that the COPD means his breathing is as good as it’s going to get. And that’s not great. He’s in a clinical trial right now for a new drug — hopefully that makes a difference. ❤ ❤ ❤

      And thank you for saying that — about my art. Your words heal. ❤

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  2. There are times in our life where we think, what did I do to so anger the Universe that she dumps one thing after another onto me? And then we realise that no, it is just life and sometimes the ebbs and flows are less soothing. Sometimes they are so rough they knock us over and sometimes they knock sense into us. It’s up to us to interpret, I guess.
    I see that you have done what you needed to do. Take care of your loved ones. Now, a little self-care is in order. Hope everyone has recovered from their rough waters.

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  3. welcome back to the keyboard

    as for the critter, that might be a mis-diagnosis

    I’ve had some new learning lately – I’ll write to you directly because it’s not for widespread conversation

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  5. So nice to have received your blog this morning. My morning coffees were definitely missing something lately. There are moments in our lives when what seems to be the norm just needs a break. Your recent months have been chaotic and not by choice. Therefore to take a self-imposed was perfectly okay with this reader. You can slowly ease back into writing, painting, blogging, etc. And moi, a reader can slowly ease back into sipping her morning coffee by the window overlooking a vista of fir trees, honey locust in its full prime, and watch the bunnies hip hop all over the lawn as they make their way to neighbours all around whose gardens provide a delectable array of multi-coloured blooms for a morning snack. Oh, did I mention the black squirrel with a bushy red, yes red tail. Now that is one of nature’s quirky conundrums that has our ‘hood a’buzzing!

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