I can feel them. The critter’s claws scratching at the back of my mind, hissing at me to STOP! STOP what you’re doing and return to safety.
I sigh. I want to give into his sinister voice but know it’s not the Truth. Safety lives in doing the things that soothe me, nurture me, and create peace of mind and inner balance.
The critter has a different opinion.
“Those things you do that you think are good for you? They’re not! They expose you. Leave you vulnerable. Leave you open to being seen. And it’s best to hide. No one can hurt you that way.”
And I smile.
The critter and I are old… companions. I’ve walked with his sibilant hissing in my mind most of my life.
Most days, I use my tools to quieten, soothe, and reassure him that what I’m doing isn’t unsafe. It’s healthy.
And then, in moments of weakness, in those times when the road is rough and unsteady, he likes to find purchase in the silty muds of confusion and invade my calm thinking. It’s in those times I need to be most aware.
Alas, it is in those times I am sometimes my most unaware as I deal with whatever life has put in front of me.
Like life since my beloved’s first bout of pneumonia in January. It was followed by fractured ribs and most recently, another bout of pneumonia. Along with my daughter’s miscarriage, my dear friend Andrew passing, a war in Ukraine, more school shootings and a busy work-life…
Well, let’s just say I’ve been heeding the critter without even realizing I was heeding the critter.
Like this morning when I sat at my computer, opened it up and pulled up my blog. ‘Time to get back to my healthy routine of blogging every morning,’ I told myself.
“STOP!” hissed the critter, his superfine danger antennae fluttering and springing out of control. “You don’t want to do that! You don’t have the energy and you definitely don’t have the time. Why don’t you go back to bed?”
Ummm… well… I’m fully dressed. Latte steaming beside me. Rain drizzling down outside. River flowing fast. Beaumont the Sheepadoodle lying on the floor under my desk looking out the window. ‘It’s time I got back to my daily blogging. I miss it,’ I calmly reply.
“No you don’t!” hisses the critter some more. “It’s a habit you need to break.”
That one got me. A habit I need to break? Why?
Because it takes time and you’re tired and you need to sleep more and… The critter’s list of reasons drones on and on.
I pause. Close my eyes. Let my body relax.
I hear you Critter. I see you. I know you think you’re telling me truth. I know you feel you need to protect me. I honour your presence. I also honour my need to be present every day to LIFE.
And writing here every morning is part of my life. Has been since 2007. It has strengthened me, supported me, and encouraged me to keep writing. Heck, it’s even improved my writing by writing every day. Writing every morning is good for my body, mind, spirit and heart. So, while I appreciate your concerns, I know in my heart what I need to do.
And so I do.
Put the critter back to bed and come back to the page.
About the Painting
Something else I did this weekend was…. clean up my studio. It was a mess. Like. I mean. A mess.
About the only time I’d been in it for the past few months was to make name tags for dinner guests.
I didn’t clean up after each session.
It was depressing me.
This weekend. I took action.
And then, I moved a table outside and painted one sunny afternoon. It was… reviving.