I had let my morning meditation practice slip until a few weeks ago. Even though I knew my mornings flowed more smoothly after dipping into the quiet, my “critter mind” was urging me to practice avoidance, not meditation. And I’m well practiced in avoidance.

This morning, as I breathed and worked hard on letting my thoughts dissolve, they drifted in effortlessly, like clouds on a blue sky day. Pushing them away? Nope. Cajoling them into quiet? Ineffective. Corraling them into good behavior? Useless. I simply had to allow. To let go and let be.

Isn’t meditation supposed to be effortless? Isn’t it supposed to be refreshing? Why then is it so hard to simply allow? To let go and let be? Why does “the quiet” feel so elusive when it’s all I’m seeking?

Wikipedia defines meditation as “a practice in which an individual uses a technique to train attention and awareness and detach from reflexive, ‘discursive thinking,’ achieving a mentally clear and emotionally calm and stable state, while not judging the meditation process itself.”

Not judging is even harder sometimes than meditating! My “critter mind” likes to disrupt my attempts at sitting in the silence with its litany of reasons why sitting in the silence is nothing to achieve. A busy mind keeps you safe, it seems to say. And I wonder, when did running around in circles ever get anyone anywhere? (Besides maybe dizzy.)

Prayer is defined as “an invocation or act that seeks to activate a rapport with a deity, an object of worship, or a spiritual entity through deliberate communication.”

And my facile mind immediately jumps to, “For what purpose?” Why pray if it’s only to activate a connection with something or someone I cannot see? Isn’t the whole purpose of meditation to make it possible for me to live in the reality of now so that I don’t spin my wheels in the unknown?

And my awakened mind responds, “Release your judgments. Trust the process. Be still.”

And so my meditation goes. Seldom easy. Always enlightening. Stretching me beyond my thoughts into wonderment and awe at our human capacity to think, and outthink, our own thinking.

Meditation

Unbidden, thoughts drift in,
filling the mind's vastness,
a cornucopia of ideas
dancing like sunlight
on rippling water.

Prayer

Focused, thoughts ascend,
filling the universe
with yearning pleas,
seeking grace
in a world of pain and shadow.

Awake

Released, thoughts gather,
filling my being
with hopeful whispers,
calling me to presence,
to let go,
to simply be.