For much of my life, I have not been at comfort with speaking my truth. Getting better, but it’s still not a comfortable place for me to stand.
Which is why, whenever I’m faced with the opportunity to speak up, I do my best to do it.
Which is why, whenever I’m faced with the opportunity to speak up, and don’t, the angst of the lost opportunity to be fearless sticks deep within me, rubbing against my peace of mind, creating angst in my inner world.
Thankfully, I have friends like Kerry Parsons who, when I reach out for guidance, reach back with kindness and love, illuminating the path for me to see into the darkness of my fears.
Yesterday, as I drove Ellie to the park for her walk, tears started flowing from my eyes. Unbidden, they blurred my vision and, let’s be truthful here, made me a tad dangerous on the road. Now, I am not prone to driving and crying so when the tears started, I got a wee bit anxious about their presence. But, since the flood, I have been noticing a tendency to be teary, for no apparent reason, enveloping me.
I put it down to the connection between the aftermath of that relationship that was killing me and the angst of people losing so many things.
But I knew it went deeper. I just didn’t now how deep she’d go.
Thank goodness for my friend Kerry. One call and I was welcomed into her cozy living room where I spent an enlightening hour seated in my favourite comfy love-seat, chatting about ‘What’s going on with Louise.”
In her deep-hearted listening, I found my answers.
I was moving through a trigger point. A deeply seated space of learning from the past that was triggered even before the floods. In our exploration of what was going on, I discovered the trigger point began earlier in June when I stood in front of a crowd of angry community members — and fell under the spell of their onslaught. I didn’t realize it at the time, in fact, I thought I’d handled it all pretty well. And I had. But, the aftershock of those events left me reeling in the muck of a childhood belief that would have me believe, I am helpless in the face of chaos. In my childhood adapted responses to anger and fear and confusion, I believed I had few possibilities to affect change, to be heard, to be seen. I either had to: 1) protect myself, or 2) fix everything around me. And, if all else failed, run away and hide.
I am an intuitive being. I listen and watch and feel from deep within me the energies around me. When I am aligned, when I am moving and being from my essential self, my world moves in harmony with me. When I run into fear, when I allow myself to fall into confusion and helplessness, my world tilts off-kilter, my peace of mind spins out of control and I become despondent and disconnected.
In my altered state, it doesn’t matter what peppy talk I give myself about “getting over it”, I can’t hear the voice of reason, I only hear the voices of the past, whispering that I must run to safe ground, get away from what I’m feeling to wallow in the sands of time drifting through my mind.
I am blessed.
I know me. And I have people in my life who are willing to know me too. And in their knowing ‘of me’, they don’t offer advice and pithy comments about what to do to get over myself, they offer a safe and courageous space for me to explore my demons, for me to walk fearlessly into ‘what’s going on within me’, so that I can once again get out of my own way and live from that place of authenticity and powerfulness that resides in each and every one of us, but too often gets over-shadowed by the past masquerading as the present.
I found myself running from the darkness yesterday. I found myself careening out of control in the byways and alleyways of the past where once upon a time, I felt helpless. In my finding myself there, I found the light I need to move through my angst and carry on, bravely, peacefully and lovingly into the present.
In every situation there are gifts. The gift I found yesterday is that where once I believed I must either protect, fix or runaway, I know the truth of who I am is not in fixing or disappearing. The truth is, there is nothing to fear. There is nothing to defend against, hide from or run away from. I do not have to stand against anything to know peace. All I have to do is turn up, pay attention, speak my truth and stay unattached to the outcome.
When I stand up, speak up and make space for all truth to be known, I create a world of wonder, a world of possibility, a world where no matter what is going on, I matter enough to me to stay true to who I am without fearing that who I am is helpless.
I’m not helpless. I am powerful beyond my wildest imaginings. I am free. And I am grateful.