Two sleeps. Yup. Just two sleeps before the Christmas at the Madison Benefit Concert.
No more sleeps before my eldest daughter and her boyfriend arrive this evening. And only one sleep before my birthday party. Well, not just my party, C.C.’s too because his birthday is Sunday (isn’t that nice of me to put a concert on for his birthday? 🙂 ). Mine is Monday.
It’s a big one. Well, at least in numbers.
I think it might kinda be big in my head too. Not like, I’ve got a swelled head because it’s my birthday and I think the whole world should celebrate. No. More like. Seriously? That number, that big scary number is mine? What am I supposed to do with it? How am I supposed to be with it? In it? Of it?
It is just a number, but 60, well, it scares me.
60 means I’ve had a life. It means, I’ve still got one but a heck of a lot more of what I’ve had to live is gone than the what I have to live that remains.
And of course, the questions. What kind of life have I lived? What lessons have I learned and lived, or learned and am still learning because I just can’t seem to grasp the meaning of the lesson and need to keep repeating the mistakes to get it?
What have I shared? What have I given? Contributed? Created?
Is anyone keeping track?
That’s really the big question isn’t it? Does anyone keep track of good deeds/missteps. Does anyone note in a big ledger somewhere, Actions Taken versus Misguided Steps and how they all add up to a some unknown Total in the Grand Scheme of All Things that Matter. And do I get points that offset misguided steps if I learn from my mistakes without repeating them?
And is there some big unseen hand that totals up all your points and says, ok, this one’s age equals points gained, she’s ready to go any time — but not just yet. She’s still striving to over-achieve, or is it just achieve the greatness she was put on earth to live?
I mean really? Is someone keeping score here or am I just…. whistling in the dark… cause turning 60 ain’t for babies! It takes a real grown-up to do it well.
And I think, it’s safe to say, I’m all grown up.
And that’s the challenge. I don’t feel all grown up. I feel like there’s so much more for me to learn, to explore, to achieve, to do and share and enlighten and illuminate and… well, you get the picture. The party ain’t over yet…
but I am ready to party!
And that’s what I plan on doing this weekend.
Party and celebrate and spend time with those I love and share in laughter and good conversation and quiet times and raucous moments and simple pleasures and delightful escapades as we come together to say, I’m glad we’re each and everyone of us alive. I am glad you’re in my life. I’m glad I’m in yours.
I am grateful for the day I was born. Grateful for these years that have taught me I hold the secret and the answers to my life — I am the keeper of my joy, the giver of my love. I am the Divine expression of amazing grace. I am my contract and my purpose — I am an alive and radiant woman touching hearts, opening minds to set spirits free.
I am grateful for these hands that type, these hands that can hold another’s in tender loving care, that can soothe fears and wipe away tears and paint a picture of life’s amazing rainbows of colour and pluck a flower and put it in your hair.
I am grateful for these eyes that can see into the dark and know the light is always shining. These eyes that can look into another’s and hold their gaze and say, I see you. My heart is beautiful for you.
I am grateful for these ears that can listen with such depth to someone else’s heart my own heart beats in time.
I am grateful for this voice that can speak up, call out, whisper, shout, laugh for joy and cry in sorrow for the losses of another. I am grateful for this voice that can be heard above the din of my inner chatter wooing me into silence and say, Now is not the time for silence. Now is the time to speak, cheer, yell, scream it from the rooftops, this is my one and only precious life. Let me live it in the rapture of now!
I am grateful for this life that has shown me all the joy and wonder of the world.
I am grateful for each day that reminds me to leap into the ocean of life teeming with people who love and care for me and for whom I love and care and to fill myself up on the deep abiding joy of all my relations.
I am grateful for each moment that showers me with possibility, opening my heart and mind and arms to the abundance of life shimmering all around.
I am grateful for each breath that fills me up with love and each breath that I send out into the world knowing, Love is carried on every breath because I have learned in all these years that Love is all there is to give and receive, have and to hold, be and to live.
My 60 years have taught me many things, and the greatest of them all is that Love is the answer. Always was. Always will be.
And just because I can… and because Memory Lane can be so beguiling (and amusing too!)…