It was a lesson in fear. A window into how fear motivates so much of what I’ve done in my life.
And it was heart-opening, consciousness raising.
I was sharing with Mary Davis, one of the facilitators at Choices Seminars, the story of C.C.’s marriage proposal. “I didn’t like the way I responded,” I told her. “It was a self-defeating game.”
What games did you play? she asked.
They were easy to name. They included. Get them before they get me. Be the problem. Hide behind confusion (and humour). Play small-Act out. And, one of my personal favourites (in a not so good way) when stuck in fear – Don’t think. React.
What do you want Big Picture with C.C.? she asked, gently.
I want an intimate relationship filled with romance and heart-sharing. I want to feel safe being vulnerable. I want to feel like we’re in this together. That we share the ups and downs, the excitements and the pains, the itty bitty moments and the big ones too. I want him to know me, see me, feel my heart beating. And to know him in the same way. And I want to feel safe.
It’s a big one for me. Feeling safe.
I haven’t known it much in my life. I haven’t given myself the opportunity.
Fear has been a big motivator and in my fear I have often run away, acted out, used humour to hide my heart, smiled to minimize my pain, walked away to avoid my sorrow.
It has been playing on my mind since my birthday party when C.C. got down on bended knee and proposed. There were a lot of things I could have done differently to honour his courage in asking me to marry him in front of a crowd of people. Instead, I dissed him. I took that precious moment and made less of it. Not because I ‘wanted to’. I did it because fear leapt up and screamed inside my head, like a siren warning of atomic fallout, “Take cover! Take cover! Hide! Run! Dive!”
Fear is a powerful motivator.
It’s time to let go of fear and choose Love.
It is time to honour C.C.’s love of romance, of surprise, of being spontaneous. Because, in my negative response is the germ of destruction. In my incapacity to move with grace and ease into the moment, I will eventually kill off one of the parts of him I love the most, his capacity to be romantic, full of surprises and spontaneous.
I have been wrestling for the past month to make sense of my response. What motivated me to call him an azzhole? What convinced me that it was okay to make light of such a beautiful and heartfelt moment.
It was fear.
Fear is the opportunity to be courageous.
When fear rises up, choose Love.
I have decided its time to get conscious of my fears and to rise up in Love.
I am choosing to look fear in the eyes, and the belly, so that I can be clear on what I want more of in my life. So that I can live in fearless joy of all that life has to offer when I stand in Love.
A beautiful man asked me to marry him.
There were a lot of things I could have done differently in the moment of his proposal.
That moment has passed but there are still many more to come as we journey together in Love.
And in each moment that arrives I can step out of my fear and open myself up to hope, joy, wonder and Love.
To have better I must do better at staying present, staying conscious, staying aware in the moment so that in everything I do I connect through the power and majesty of Love.
Because, no matter the question, the answer is always Love.
And when fear opens its maw to call me back, I have the power to choose Love.
My choice. My power. My Love.