I have been exploring open eye meditation. Stepping into the sacred silence with my eyes wide-open.
It is challenging. Being in this place where I am not at ease. Staying in this space where my mind, intent on its mission to see what is beyond, wants to wander away from finding peace.
Like anything new, it takes practice. Patience. Persistence.
Ugh. I’d rather just close my eyes and tune my eyes looking out, inward.
And I prevail.
This morning, as I meditated, a thought went scampering through my mind. Well, actually… truth is, many thoughts scampered through my mind, it’s just this one took hold and begged a question be asked!
Yesterday, C.C. was in Vancouver on business. When he is engaged in working, he is extremely single-minded on what he is doing. Taking time to check-in is not high on his agenda. Yesterday was no exception.
In meditation this morning, that little vignette skittered through my mind. I noticed how I am not holding onto resentment or anger over what in the past I have judged as lack of consideration, thoughtlessness, or awareness of my presence in his life. I did notice however that my awareness of its happening was still with me. I noticed that underneath the situation, there is a current, a thread, a belief that is unrelated to what is happening now.
“What about this situation is connecting to something from the past?”, my curious mind asked.
A feeling arose from within me. It had no name, no label. All it had was tears.
Ahh, my heart whispered. You are remembering feeling invisible, unseen, unimportant.
My tears whispered back a quiet, ‘yes’.
Are you invisible? my heart gently asked.
No, my tears responded.
So you know the truth, my heart stated. You are not invisible. Unseen. Unimportant.
Awoken to the truth, my mind had no problem responding. Yes. That is true.
What is underneath the lie? my heart prodded.
The answer slipped in with the ease of an autumn leaf falling to the ground. Sadness.
Slip into it, my heart urged. Wear it. Embrace it. Become this sadness. Explore it. How deep is it? What colour? Texture? Can you see in it? Through it? Over it?
And I slipped quietly into the sea of sadness that lay calmly beneath the surface of my awareness. It did not flow. It simply held space. Warm. Serene. A misty blue, it felt silky against my skin. It was not deep. I could easily slip through it to the other side where sunshine flooded a field of wildflowers gently swaying in the breeze.
Knowing its limits, I rested silently in its presence, breathing into its essence within me.
Is it all of you? my heart asked.
I smiled. No. It is simply a presence. An element of my being that sometimes surfaces to remind me that within me is a sea of memory that holds sway when I let go of what is true for me today.
And what is true for you today? my heart asked.
And I breathed deeply, a sigh of relief flooding my body in the remembering of my truth.
I am loved. I am loving. I am Love.
And my heart skipped a beat and leapt for joy.
Not bad for a girl who was resisting meditating with her eyes wide-open!