I have been struggling with my lower back. Struggling to sit, to walk, to feel comfortable without its aching reminder, I am out of balance.
It is getting better, but sitting is still the thing that makes it cringe.
So I have been honouring its call to be quiet, to relax, to lay low and let it heal — with the help of my chiro and massage therapist of course!
It was a great reminder.
Recent developments at work left me with a greater than normal workload.
They also gave me an opportunity to step into a greater role, should I choose.
And therein lay my dilemma.
My ego danced its little mincing waltz, singing gleefully as it spun out of control, “Oh goodie! Oh goodie! Recognition and fame. A chance for everyone to know my name.”
My voice of reason, my heart song knew, as it always does, the truth. “Been there. Done that. This is not what I want in my life. It is not what gives me joy and makes my heart sing.”
And still, for all the voice of reason’s sound reasons, my ego mind laughed at it and attempted, as it always does, to drown out what my heart knows. In fact, I could almost hear it stomping its little crittery feet in its demands to hold reign over my thinking. “You listen to me girlie O. You think your heart knows best. You’re wrong! Listen to me. I won’t lead you astray. My beat is greater than any ole’ heart calling you to be free! Listen to me… or else!”
It was the ‘or else’ that almost got me.
I know the ‘or else’ well. It’s how I’ve talked myself into, and out of, the places I don’t want to be and the places I need to be!
If you don’t do this or that….. you might….. regret, fall, be mistaken, be fooled or be mislead into believing….. this or that was real, or unreal, or untrue…
Ah yes, the ‘or else’ is kinda deadly.
But this time, I was prepared.
I acknowledged the ego’s calling me to take on the mantle of the bigger title with the bigger profile with the bigger everything and I lovingly embraced it as what it is — a grand seduction of my child’s need to be seen, known, heard and listened to, or else…
And in my acknowledgement, I was able to reassure it that it is still important to me, still a part of me, it’s just not the whole of me.
And in the whole of me, there is a need to continue to breathe into the work I am doing without taking on more and more responsibility. Without being ‘in charge’ of the world.
I am okay doing what I do, the way I do it.
It provides me room for balance, for a sense of purpose in my ‘out there in the world’ work as well as room to explore my purpose of being elsewhere in the world work.
I almost don’t remember the month of October. It was so busy and so crazy with doing, doing, doing. And in the crazy, I got lost in the seduction of my own importance and fell out of balance. Out of sorts. Out of touch with my heart calling me to be at One with all that is emerging in my world when I let go of listening to my ego demands for attention, and give into my hearts calling me to Pay attention. Act with intention. Live with conviction.
And now, my body is telling me I’ve spent long enough sitting. Time to go lay down and stretch and give myself healing time.