I awoke yesterday from a dream-filled, chaos driven sleep, wondering where all the chaos came from. Guns and revolution. Standing on the ramparts and shaking things up amidst people fighting back, resisting.
My mind was disquieted by the activity of my dreams, by the lingering tendrils of unrest in a world all shook up by the need for peace and its resistance to creating it.
I needed physicality and decided to sweep out the garage. Off I went to the hardware store to pick up some ‘sweeping compound’ and, while I’m at it a couple of more plants for the deck and then, back home to get the work done.
Except, as I got back in my car and started to drive forward out of the spot I was in, because the one in front of me was empty, )(yeah! I don’t have to back out) as I was half way through it a car pulled into the spot I was driving through. The driver sat and waited for me to back up and exit via the spot I’d vacated.
Can’t he see I’m halfway through the spot he’s driving into?
What’s his problem?
I back up.
Rather than back out of my original spot, I decide to go pick up that one more plant I considered getting on my way out of the store, and chose not to simply because I didn’t feel like going back through the till.
Ha! Why let the other driver have my spot where he can simply pull out when he’s ready to go.
I’ll show him!
I pull back into the spot I was vacating, park my car and go back into the store to buy the extra plant (3 actually) and leave. Again.
Definitely not one of my more enlightened moments.
And that’s the thing.
I hope to behave with grace and ease throughout my day.
But, as yesterday morning showed so well, the chaos of my mind can eliminate all hope of my finding the grace in action I seek.
Rather than live my intention, I acted out from a place where all hope was lost of my behaving to my higher good.
Emily Dickinson wrote, “Hope is the thing with feathers that perches in the soul – and sings the tunes without the words – and never stops at all.”
I hope my soul is always singing a song of inner peace even when I’m acting out of mental chaos!
There I was, hoping to spend a productive day (it was a beautiful day outside btw) puttering in the back yard and accomplishing a task that needed doing and my head was all intent on teaching me a lesson.
I doubt I showed the other driver anything other than how unreasonable and childish I can be when I am not moving through my day with intention.
What I did learn though is that seeking peace of mind is not the same as hoping I find it.
I must be intentional and clear-headed in all my actions.
Hope may be a feather in my soul, but my actions are the wings upon which my spirit takes flight.
Acting out from my lesser goodness yesterday dampened my spirits for awhile, until I remembered to laugh at myself and say, “Bless him. Forgive me.”
I hope I remember to do it sooner next time I act out because, while I might hope they’ll never be a next time, I know my human condition. It’s always offering up opportunities for me to grow and learn from myself.
And I hope I never forget, the quality of my life and the peace of mind I have, is not based on what others are doing, it’s about what I am doing and how I respond to the world around me.