On May 21st, I made a commitment to myself to explore the unknown of all I think I know about surrender, hope, faith, mystery, loss, God, and the power of love. I felt these words were all inclusive of my seeker’s journey and declared that I would dive deeper into clarity by exploring each word without expectation of an outcome, recognizing that staying unattached to my need for an outcome is a challenge for me.
I began on the Friday with five days of meditation and musing on the word surrender, moved on to hope the following Friday and because of coaching at Choices, carried my exploration of hope into this week.
Today, I begin the journey into faith.
Five letters and still, it is a word of deep meaning, conflict, confusion.
To have complete trust or confidence in someone or something.
Does it not begin with me? Does having faith in myself not mean trusting myself implicitly?
I trust myself to turn up. How I turn up is another matter. There are times I can trust myself to completely turn up, pay attention, speak my truth and stay unattached to the outcome.
And then there are those times when my ego overrides self-trust, self-knowing, eagerly clawing back what it perceives to be the lost ground of my ignoring its entreaties to listen up and take heed of its advice.
Leaning into the unknown, leaning beyond what I know to be true, I find this shimmering along the edge of reason:
I can’t trust my ego.
I can trust my heart.
The ego. It would pummel and push, prod and probe to get me to submit to its will, to give into its cries of “I know best what is right for you. Trust me. Don’t let go of all that I am because I am all that matters to you.”
Faith is to not submit to ego. Faith is to trust my heart.
It is to allow, to accept, to trust in the still, quiet voice deep within that rises up as softly and mystically as mist in the early morning rising from the valley bottom. It is the cool, damp softness of dew lying on a leaf. The gentle flutter of butterfly wings caressing the air.
There is much about faith I do not know. I must trust in the process of discernment and allow what is not known to appear. I must trust in the still, quiet voice within to rise up and open my heart to its teachings. I must trust in my heart to show me the path to have faith in its teachings.