What if…?

She never imagined she could fly, until one day she dared to believe… in herself.

Where once I was counting down the weeks until my ‘last day’, I am now counting off the weeks of my ‘new way’.

Week 1. Done.  Check. Next.

It makes me smile, (satirically) at myself.

(I do find myself quite amusing sometimes, in a not so funny but oh so human way!)

I am always looking for ‘the next thing’ because being present in this moment, without anticipation of what the next will bring, can be challenging.

I want to know. To have clarity. Certainty.

Life, especially as an artist, is not about certainty and clarity. It is about doubt and uncertainty – and being okay with it.

Staring at a blank page or canvas is intimidating. Frightening.

What if’s abound.

What if…. I have nothing to write about? What if it’s no good? What if I look stupid? What if nothing comes out when I begin to type? What if my pen runs dry?

What if…. the ideas don’t flow?  What if the canvas is a mess? What if I have no talent? What if I can’t paint and am just fooling myself?

What if…. nobody likes what I create? Nobody reads my words. Nobody cares?

Ultimately, I have to care.

About me. My work. My creativity. My drive to express whatever is yearning to be expressed within me.

Yesterday, I wrote in my journal that one of the things I need to do is to respect ‘my work’ by treating it with the same professionalism, care and respect I treated working for others.

Now that was a bit of a surprise!

The thought that ‘my work’ was as valid and meaningful, and important, as the work I did out there, in the world, for others.

An interesting thought worth exploring.

What would happen if I did treat myself with the same respect? If I did turn up on time in my studio and worked like doing my work meant something? Was important to me. Vital even?

What would happen?

I don’t know what could/might/will happen if I do it that way. I do know, not doing it that way would be cheating myself of turning up for me. Not treating it that way would be a choice.

It’s a choice I’m not willing to take.

And so, while I am going unscripted for the next 3 months, I shall also be creating a new script for how I turn up for me, on the blank page and the canvas.

This morning, as I wrote my morning pages, ideas for a novel I didn’t know I was considering writing began to form.

Another bit of surprise on this rainy morning!

In my life I have written two complete novels.

I did little with both.

What if…. I decided to treat myself and my creative expressions with professionalism, care and respect.

What if… I decided my work matters?

Pondering as I begin again to create the mindfield of my next adventure in my life.

Namaste.

 

 

 

13 thoughts on “What if…?”

  1. I’m with Joyce // I feel like you wrote what I’ve been thinking about my writing. I’ve now researched and when the date arrives will be taking a historical fiction writing class and a memoir class. I’ve looked at what the Saskatoon writers Guild has to offer and checked out a few things on line. I’ve thought about that Nov novel with the weird acronym. I have a novel in me as well..thanks for articulating some of my inside thoughts. I wrote yesterday about the sum of me but need to revise it a little to include ME in the list.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. That is the beauty of connection BernieLynne, we read and hear what others say, and discover our own truths. I am so excited you are going to take that class — and I know the November project you mean! I too can’t remember the name — but I’ll sign up with you and we can be writing buddies if you’re interested! It would be fun to do it with someone. (I just looked it up — NaNoWriMo — for National Novel Writing Month) 🙂

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  2. LG,

    I offer you a thought on doing things more ‘by accident’ than ‘on purpose’; or, as Nora Ephron used to say, “everything is copy”. I was watching a YouTube video recently – Aaron Sorkin was being interviewed about writing and he went off on a a tangent about how wonderful William Goldman was and how much he learned from him, which led me to learning more about Goldman (Marathon Man, Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid, Princess Bride and many more) – I watched a video (93 minutes) that teaches so much about chance, accident and how little things become enormous things together with some great stories he tells about moving making, screenplay writing, Newman, Eastwood etc …. but mostly, it’s about the writing. You’ll love it: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nCs4gdt-mPY

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks Mark — I was coaching at Choices this weekend so missed getting online, and then yesterday, my sister from YVR was still here so we spent the day playing. 🙂 I’ll go watch it! ❤

      Like

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