I am struggling.
Struggling with the sense of not having a purpose. Of not having ‘a job’, something that defines me, that acts like a pin on a map, showing people ‘this is where I fit in’.
It’s an odd place, this place of struggle. I know it’s been less than 3 months since I left the workplace, since I hung up my “I’m a leader, changing the world of homelessness” nameplate, and I know, that’s not a long timeframe.
But it still doesn’t make ‘the struggle’ any easier.
Oh, on the surface you can’t see it. I’m busy, doing things, organizing, clearing out rooms and garages and basements. Setting up my studio, riding my bicycle, walking my pooch, cooking and entertaining, painting and creating.
But I struggle with my sense of ‘meaning’, or lack thereof.
And I know me.
Yesterday I heard about an ED role in an organization that was interesting. And I thought… maybe I should apply! (Yes I know. Aren’t I fascinating! And amusing.) 🙂
See, when I find myself in the dissonance of my discomfort, I look for solutions out there. I seek soothing from external sources in a quick fix mindset that says, “Here honey. This external recognition/ occupation/activity will make you feel better real quick.”
Reality is — external gratification is fleeting. It seldom soothes the core of inner dissonance, offering up instead transitory mental, in-the-moment of the discord, appeasement.
And I breathe.
Struggle is part of the journey. It is not all of it. It is integral to it though as I learn new ways of being present in my life, new paths of travelling to find grace, patience, joy and wonder in my new world of possibility.
Struggle is good. As long as I don’t allow it to become a means to escape, or deny, or avoid or defend against growth.
Growth is part of living.
Growth is inevitable.
It’s up to me to determine how I grow. How much. In what direction. It’s my job to find its value, meaning, possibilities. I can let it drive me into withering, or propel me into creative expression I never before dreamed of as possible in my life.
I am standing in the dissonance of my discomfort, embracing my struggle and diving deep within to find my path through grace, joy and Love.
I am embracing growth and leaning beyond the creative edges of my knowing who I am today. I am allowing myself to feel and know this struggle as part of my journey and to celebrate its presence.
And for today, I’m into getting down and dirty with my ego as I learn to embrace all I need to learn and grow into so that I can grow lovingly and joyfully into this new way of being present in my world that I am not yet comfortable in.
I am pulling the pin of where I stand on the map of my life and setting myself free to gracefully freefloat in a sea of possibility.
I am struggling and celebrating my struggle. It means I’m growing.
And that is cause for celebration!