I lay in bed this morning, in that space between drifting and awake, my mind rootless, unfocussed.
Images floated through like the chunks of ice that keep floating past on the river’s surface, eventually drifting out of sight, disappearing into an unseen future, perhaps melting or getting stuck in an ice block somewhere upriver.
Like my thoughts. Drifting aimlessly until one comes into view and gets stuck in mental gymnastics.
“You can never begin at the beginning again.”
My mind jumped into alertness. “Of course you can,” it insisted.
The thought had other ideas. “Every beginning drifts into the ending becoming a new beginning. The beginning is gone, changed, morphed into something else. To begin at the beginning again, you must wind back all of time, all of what has transpired between the beginning and the moment you decide to begin again. And you cannot wind back time to make everything exactly as it was when you began. You have changed. The air around you has changed. Life has changed. That’s what life does.”
Seriously? Sometimes the thoughts in my mind are a bit too heady for my heart.
At that moment, Beaumont the Sheepadoodle decided he needed to go out and came and stuck his wet nose in my face.
I got up and left the heady thoughts on my pillow.
At least, that’s what I imagined I did.
Until I sat down at my computer and started to type and the thoughts from when I first began to awaken came hurtling back into my mind.
I can’t quite grasp them the way they appeared earlier. I tried. To go back to the beginning of the thought. But time, and awakening, going outside into the cold winter air while the sky was still dark and the air was filled with sounds of the river passing by changed the beginning, making it impossible to rewind my thinking back to the precise space where the thoughts began.
It’s a grey on grey kind of morning. Dark river flowing between white earth. Withered trunks of winter bare trees standing against a bleak tone-on-tone landscape, their leafless limbs extended up into a bleached sky. The delicate fronds of their outer limbs interlace with one another like the filigree of a necklace my mother gave me long ago. It was from India. A gold slipper of exquisitely interwoven strands of gold.
I no longer have that slipper. It was lost to a time when my world crashed into chaos I feared would never end.
The chaos ended but I could never go back to the beginning to unwind the devastation and pain of those years of terror and abuse.
I could only go forward, gently weaving the many strands of that story into The Story of My Life – one where I live fearlessly and authentically in the beauty of my heart beating fiercely in Love with all of me, my life and everyone and everything in it.
Yesterday, I saw a meme on Instagram that asked, “What’s one thing from your past you wish you’d never done?”
My answer is, ‘Nothing.’
I can’t change the things I’ve done. Nor do I want to. Everything in my life has served its purpose of bringing me here, to this place. I am not powerful enouh to unwind time back to a given point where I can weave a different story of my life. This story. This one I live today was created through all the strands, all the darkness and light, the pain and joy, the hardship and ease I’ve experienced.
I love the story of my life today. It’s the only one I’ve got. It is a story of Love.
And so, I do what I can do, must do, to keep Love flowing freely throughout my world and my being present, in this moment right now, connected through and in Love with all the world around and within me. I weave beauty out of what was and what is, letting Love be the warp and weave of all I create, all I do, all I am.
About the Zine - Created with one sheet of 9 x 12 mixed media paper, the backgrounds were monoprinted with acrylic paint. I used acrylic inks and gold pen along with gold foil to create the hearts. The story grew out of the paintings. The video was a 'just for fun' way to stretch my creative muscles.