It is a conundrum I carry with me. It infiltrates my thoughts, creeping into every crevice creating ripples of fear that billow around my mind like smoke from a chimney, causing my breath to catch and me to gasp for air.
Which is where the conundrum lies.
Each breath is fear-laden yet, to dissipate fear, I must breathe. Slowly. Deeply. Steadily.
And I don’t want to. Breathe. At least not here, in a hospital where the air fellow humans have expelled could be laden with unwanted guests. Not in this place where my beloved has been resting and healing since New Year’s Day when a winter cold had turned to pneumonia necessitating medical intervention.
My mind scurries around ‘What if…?’ with the slithery adeptness of a fish moving through water.
What if that molecule of air I cannot see is rife with poisonous particles? What if my next breath draws in unwanted viral content eager to attach to my airways, its only mission to spread through my lungs?
What if…? I get infected and don’t know it and give it C.C. and… What if?
I imagine holding my breath. A long time. Like a looonnnnng time. And, even though I know it’s impossible and that in that one breath the undesirable is possible anyway, I catch myself standing outside the sliding doors of the hospital taking a deep, deep breath.
I hold it for as long as I can and exhale.
And take another, letting the power of breathing calm my jagged fears, soothe my worried mind.
And I walk in. Mask in place. Sanitizing my hands at every possible station. Keeping my distance from everyone I meet. As I step onto the elevator and use my elbow to press the button for his floor, I keep my mind busy with thoughts of well-being, chanting silently to myself words I learned years ago in a meditation class, “I walk in beauty now. Beauty lies before me. Beauty lives above me, behind and below me.”
And I walk into my husband’s room, calm of mind, gentle of heart, letting the smile behind my maskt be visible in my eyes. I greet him with a kiss blown from a safe distance and sit down at the edge of his bed for a leisurely visit.
Perhaps my fearless presence will remind this pernicious bacterial visitor who has taken up residence in C.C.s lungs that only love is welcome here.
Only Love.
Dare Boldly 
I walk the corridors of fear.
My mind races – what if?
My heart pulls me in.
His smile awaits, I enter.
All is well, he is better.
You are one with him, as he is one with you.
The home beckons, Beaumont is anxious.
Soon, very soon he will return.
Til then, take heart.
We are with you ❤️❤️❤️
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I am so grateful for you, your beautiful words, and loving ways and friendship. ❤
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Take care Louise – it is the waiting for the healing that makes us anxious. Sending you good karma my friend.
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Thank you June! He’s getting better.
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My heart is filled with positive energy and I’m sending it all to you and yours. Diana
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Thank you my friend. I am so grateful for you. ❤
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I’m so sorry, my friend. Sending prayers for healing and peace. Much love.
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Thank you dear Kelley. Your prayers are tender and so welcome!
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Hugs and prayers to you and your beloved for restored health and happiness for 2022 🙏💞🙏
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Thank you dearest Viv! ❤ And to you too! Much good health and happiness for 2022
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Oh friend. I felt this so viscerally when my husband was in hospital for days….. dizzied by holding my breath and then breathing to catch up. Oh breathe, friend. Squeezing your hand across the miles and breathing
deeply for the both of us. Big tall sky air to you and CC – may your lungs be filled with and healed by the sweetest air possible.
Much grace and peace to you,
Jennifer
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Thank you dear Jennifer. I feel your hands and understanding, your compassionate presence and am grateful and encouraged and strengthened. Much love and gratitude for you. ❤
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Don’t play the “What if” Game. You’ll make yourself crazy. Sending much love and strength to your CC and you.
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I know! It’s a horrible game! 🙂 Thank you for the love and strength my friend — and reminder! ❤
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It is. And of course. 💕
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Each breath is fear-laden yet, to dissipate fear, I must breathe – this drew me in deeply in the realm of your words. It is such true experience I could relate to. Your words ooze with beauty and humility, strength and tenderness. There is so much Love in each particle, molecule and moment around you and in your being. And so yes you get to say what you allow – Only Love.
And that’s what I wish for you and your husband – love, healing, complete recovery and the beauty of life – now and awaiting – with utmost ease possible.
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Your words fill my heart with a beautiful gauzy ethereal veil of joy and gratitude Pragalbha. Thank you!
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Much Love and Gratitude to you too.
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I’m so sorry Louise to hear your dear husband is in the hospital – sending love, healing thoughts and prayers to both of you.
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Thank you so much Val — he is improving! Maybe home tomorrow! ❤
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I expect many would get this, myself included,waiting is hard
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That it is dear JoAnne — made easier because of people like you. ❤
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Godspeed to you and CC Louise
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Thank you my friend. ❤
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I can feel the anxiety in every breath, Louise, and know the fear is real. Sending only good thoughts to you and your husband. Xoxo
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Thank you so much Lori — the fear recedes with every good thought I recieve. ❤
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